C'mere, I wanna tell you a little secret

My birth control was trying to kill me.

Since the birth of my children 5 years ago I've had many a birth control woe.
I've tried, or tried to try just about everything.

Mirena IUD. Nope not a candidate., I've tried the Nuva Ring (I was always conscious of it's existence). I've tried pills. All sorts of them,and while for the most part they've been the best solution they just don't seem to be as effective if you,uh, forget to take them every day.
So, short of sterilization, a plunge which I'm not quite ready to take (and neither is hubby) I've been at a loss as to what to do so as not to be a baby factory (you know because I like to have 'em two at a time and stuff).

Then came a pill. The pill. The pill that would free me from a monthly period and instead only make me have to experience that hell four times a year.
Mind you, this wasn't the first time I'd heard of this particular pill but this was the first time the generic became available and my insurance covered it at a normal copay as opposed to the $130 copay they tried to rob me of before .

So I began it and the first two months were lovely.

Then I started to experience what could only be described as a heart flutter. It felt almost as if my heart skipped a beat. This happened sporadically for about 2 days and when I'd finally decided to panic it stopped. But then the night sweats began.
I didn't associate one with the other. I assumed the night sweats were because it had gotten colder and I was wearing more pajamas and doubling up on blankets. But after a week of being disgusted with it happening every night I realized this was not ordinary for me. I've always bundled up during the winter months and never woke up swimming before.
Then the painful whitehead on my lip came.

Convinced I was dying I went on the internet to try and figure out what I'd be succumbing to and how much time I had.

In the process of trying to accept my fate, I was wracking my brain trying to think of any recent changes I'd made in my life which might lead to such odd symptoms. Then it hit me.
Maybe it's the hormones from the pill.

So I Googled "Jolessa side effects" and quickly found a multitude of sites where others have had those symptoms and more. Right along side those symptoms I found another common side effect...hair loss.

Can you imagine the walking beauty paegant I'd be then ? Mouth zits, night sweats and bald patches. Now, that's hawt.
Needless to say, I've discontinued the pill and will now be in search of something else.
Ideas anyone ?

So, I'd write a lot more if I wasn't buried under a foot of snow

I know I should be filled with Christmas cheer but really I feel like shoving my foot up someone's arse. Seriously, being trapped by the white stuff is driving me batty.
So until I can play nice I'm going to stay silent.

Until then,please talk amongst yourselves. Oh here's a fun topic... I might have a fun little giveaway for couples coming up soon...*wink*wink*...you know what I mean. Let me know how you'd feel about that. And for those of you that may be feeling a little dense, yes I'm talking about S-E-X and maybe giving away something to spice up your life in the boudoir.

Now then, I'll be back soon eventually.

Mwah,

WM

Seattle, we might have to break up.

Dear Seattle,

I do not have time for this identity crisis you are going through. You are not the Artic. So please quit acting like it. Frankly, the fact that you have subjected your inhabitants to below freezing temperatures and crazy ridiculous wind chill factors for the past several days makes me want to kick you in the balls, or spit in your eye.

Seriously. Enough already.

What's more,the fact that you're showing no signs of trying to change and have decided my neighborhood looks pretty disguised as an ice skating rink doesn't sit well with me. Particularly since I am a procrastinator and have yet to have the kids pictures taken with Santa and have yet to finish my Christmas shopping. When you do these kinds of things, I can't do what I need to do and that makes me dislike you immensely.

So for the sake of preserving our 12+ year relationship, stop the madness.

Love,
Me

I iz 36

Well not technically. Technically, I'm 36 tomorrow.

But I just happened to be online downloading software for my new Zune, courtesy of hubby (and yes that was shameless bragging),and I thought what the hell I'm going to start celebrating my birfday on my blog, early because I can.

I love birthdays...it's the one holiday that's all about me. The one day were I can pull a lot of shit and people will put up with it just because. The one day where my family has to wait on me hand and foot and not give me any lip. Yeah, birfdays rule.

So to kick off my 36th, I'm going to sing myself a little song.

Feel free to sing along if you know the words.

Happy birthday to you me
I live in a zoo zee
I smell like a monkey
and I look like one too tee.

(well it doesn't work if it doesn't rhyme)

Happy Birfday to me and all that jazz.

and

Hugs and kisses to you all, my cyber homies

Mwah,
WM

Too awesome not to post

I have no words. But seriously you have to head on over there and check it out for yourself.

Truly... better then anything I would have posted today

Oh mah gawd, my morning was so awesome.

I overslept which led to needing to run to catch the bus. But I made it. I was out of breath and near passing out when I boarded said bus but I'd make it to work on time and that was all that mattered.
Once we started our journey I heard all kinds of abnormal rattling and the bus engine seemed to be running rough but the bus driver wasn't making any announcements and continued to drive so I decided to just close my eyes , tune it out and not worry.

I was so delighted when about five miles later we had to pull over on the freeway, because: guess what "engine troubles".
After said announcement we all sat and waited for 15 minutes with no heat for more news. The news, when it finally came, was that we would all have to disembark, ON THE FREEWAY.

After managing to sidestep all the vehicles coming directly at me at warp speed I boarded a new bus ,found a seat and tried to get comfortable.

The woman that decided to sit next to me called whomever to tell them she was running late and I thought it ruled that she had stank mouth and every time she uttered a word I'd get a huge whiff of de funk.

It was also particularly pleasant that her conversation was long and she did most of the talking. I tried my best to turn my head and hold my breath without passing out.

In the end, I made it to work...late.


Awesome, I tell you, simply awesome.

Because if i gotta be grossed out , dammit you're going to be grossed out too

Sanity prevailed and I skipped Black Friday in favor of slumber. Slumber and a veterinary appointment for the newest member of our family, Casey, a golden retriever mix that has taken to trying to french kiss me every morning.

Minus the attempted tongue action, she's a cool little gal with a face that could melt Satan's heart and she seems to fit right into the WM family chaos.

The veterinary appointment went along with out incident until the vet brought up the heartworm test. I knew she was going to ask me to bring in a fecal sample... which frankly, I'm so not down. The vet suprised me when she said she could try and check for fecal matter when she took Casey in the back to "chip" her.

Sweet I thought. I don't have to go in the backyard and mine for turds. The vet will discreetly retrieve some.

This appointment was getting better and better.

The vet stepped out for a bit,then returned with the vet tech and gave Casey a quick rabies shot. Then before I could say "Boo", they molested my dog.
And retrieved the fecal matter right.in.front.of me.

And the highlight: are you ready ? when the doctor pulled out her gloved hand and showed me what she'd retrieved.

I'm pretty sure TomGirl threw up in her mouth a little

Yeah. Good times. It was a lovely topper to a fine Thankgsiving day.

And that is my story, and suprisingly I don't feel nearly as repulsed as I did prior to writing this post.

Aah,it's all about sharing the love, my friends.

You're welcome

Lawd help me I'm thinking about doing it again ***Updated

So last year proving that I am a certified freak I shopped Black Friday. And for no real reason you'll find if you actually read that post.

Sometimes I don't even get myself.

But lawd help me, I'm thinking of doing it again. I'm trying to justify it somehow saying that my $ will help the economy but you and I know that ain't the real truth. I'm just giddy over the fact that I can get something that's regularly priced at $200 for $88. Seriously, the thought of getting that kind of deal is darn near orgasmic.

So yeah, I'll probably be out there with all the other idjits throwing blows to get that one coveted item.

I probably won't post again until after the holiday so if you have any words of wisdom to talk me down off of the crazy ledge now would be a good time to share 'em.

Happy Turkey Day

&

Smooches,
WM

*************
Sanity prevailed...for once. That or my extreme need for sleep. At 4 a.m. when I could have been out with all the other fools I was not. I was loudly and very happily snoring under mounds of fluffy blankets as I rightfully should have been.

The end.

Ma vie dans les point de balle

So I could have just called this post "My life in bullet points" but it sounds much prettier en francais, don't you think ?

Besides, I like that it makes me seem cooler then I actually am.

Ahem, without further adieu, my life in bullet points for your viewing pleasure:

Doing better with the loss of our dog , thank you all so much for your kind words. Plan to adopt a new pet as soon as I can get beyond the fact that there was only one Buzz and that our new pet will not be the same but will be equally as loveable

Friday morning, TomGirl got caught smoking on school grounds and was suspended for five days. This was incredibly suprising for me and hubby as she has said time and time again how horrible smoking is and how she'd never do it and constantly nagged her dad to quit (which he has , Yay Chantix) . I listened to her excuses then promptly scooped her lungs out with an ice cream scoop, this was as much for punishment as it was letting her know that smoking will destroy them anyway

Youngest daughter, J, is going in to have two baby teeth removed under general anesthesia tomorrow. I believe I will take a shot of something 180 proof before this visit. Kids and general anesthesia scare me.

I spent Saturday at the Casino helping my mom celebrate her 62nd birthday. Realized I need to stay away from casinos because for as much as I wanted to make fun of every crazed person in there I realized that I too was mesmerized by the lights and colors of the slots and was quickly becoming one of them. Damn those Milk Money cows and their "let her win a little just when she's ready to quit" ways.

Freaked that the Christmas season is almost upon us. Not ready for the throwdown that is about to happen so that I can get my daughter that damn Barbie 3 story dreamhouse. You know it's gonna be bad when at 11:00 a.m. you read an email sent at 9:00 a.m. telling you said Dreamhouse is back in stock. Upon actually accessing the site you find that in two hours it has gone back out of stock. I think I may not shower for 6 days prior to going shopping. That way people will be forced to move out of my way.

Work continues to be busy and forces me not to be able to blog as much as I'd like. I suppose I should be happy for the job security but sometimes I'm just an ungrateful heifer.

New cool Pillsbury giveaway at ye old review blog . While there is free stuff to be had, Pillsbury is also doing some cool stuff to feed the homeless, so check it out.

Mwah,
WM

Letting Go

As I sat outside that room, I tried not to perform a mental play by play of what was actually happening behind that door.

Even though I knew exactly what was happening, I didn't know the precise moment it would occur and I preferred to keep it that way.

Moments later, my husband appeared from behind that door and said "he's gone".

We locked eyes and the tears just began to flow. We embraced each other tightly in the middle of that veterinary office not caring what anyone else thought, just wanting to comfort one another.

When we were finally able to speak we couldn't bring ourselves to leave.
Although we knew going in that this particular veterinary appointment would be his last, leaving without our beloved friend was still hard.

Suprising both myself and my husband I made a decision at that moment to see him.

As I walked in to the room and saw him lying there I was shocked at how much he looked like he was sleeping. I wasn't horrified like I originally thought I might be. I was heartbroken but also admittedly relieved. He was finally at peace.

We said our final goodbyes and walked out of the office minus our beloved pet.

If felt odd and sad and unfair and I wanted so much to be someone else at that moment. Someone that didn't just lose their pet of nine years.

That day will probably be one of the hardest I will endure, but I weathered it. I am weathering it.

I'm simply trying to take comfort in the fact that our dog is no longer in pain and that it was the right thing to do.

Chris Brown for President

Let me first say that while I don't normally talk politics on my blog as I don't want to alienate anyone who doesn't share my political views (unless your views are really f'd up...then I don't care. Ahem, I digress), I am today.

Just a bit anyway because I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yes, I am an Obama supporter. I truly believe he can heal our ailing country. In fact, I was a fan prior to him throwing his hat into the presidential race. I respect him as an individual for his honesty, the life he's led, the odds he's risen above , his family values. There are so many things I could go on and on but I won't. You get the point.

That said as we all waited in my living room anxiously , nervously listening for those all too important states that we desperately hoped would turn blue we asked the kids briefly "Who do you want to be president ?"

Of course we knew they really didn't have any earthly idea of who the candidates really were and what they stood for but we asked simply for our own amusement expecting them to parrot the decision they'd heard from us.

"Barack Obama" my daughter J says.


"You know who I want to win ?" my son B says wide-eyed and full of excitement

"Who's that ?" we all asked in unison

Expecting to once again hear Barack Obama you can imagine the laughter that errupted when he said Chris Brown

Out of the mouths of babes...

From the I'm so stupid I shouldn't be let loose in society files

Every week day I spend time in a large metropolitan area. I've seen it all from the smelly, the stinky and the crazy on down to the I'm-not-sure-what-the-hell-you-are-I-just-know-I-should-stay-away-from-you. And every week day I manage to sidestep most of these folks.

Except yesterday when I was cornered. Sort of.

No sooner had I crossed the street when Dude said "You are beautiful".

I wanted to ignore him, I really did. But I did just get my hair done and it had been a long taxing day and frankly a compliment, regardless of the source it came from, was right on time. So I spoke and said simply "thank you" and tried to look away.

But then he kept repeating it, and when another pedestrian walked by he tried to stop him and say "Isn't she beautiful?". It had become comical at that point and I kinda let a smile slip and glanced over at him

Boots in good condition, nice jeans and nice flannel shirt paired with a parka type vest. That's odd. Why is he on this corner notorious for the skeezy, unkempt and batshit crazy I thought.
Then I looked at his face. Particularly his eyes. His red rimmed, faraway, I'm totally hammered eyes. And then I kinda got it. He's one of those i-don't-know-what-the-hell-you-are-but-i-just-know-I-need-to-stay-away types.

"I got a momma and a sister and you're beautiful" he said again.

Uh ok, I thought.

"What's your name?" he asked.

And in true non-quick thinking fashion I couldn't come up with anything.

"WM" I said meekly hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"Well mine's D and it's a pleasure to meet you" he said extending his hand.

And what did I do, but extend my very own hand. And then, before I could move away, run, hide and/or freak the fuck out he.kissed.my.hand.

Luckily the light turned in my favor and I booked it across the street.

Holy Hell did that really just happen I thought as I frantically looked for hand sanitizer in my bag. I.had.nothing.

I contemplated stopping somewhere ... anywhere to wash my tainted hand but there really wasn't anywhere. And so I waited until I got home, holding my hand far away from me much like one might hold a smelly diaper far from your nose.

The first thing I did when I arrived in my door was make a beeline for the bathroom to scrub my hand. As luck would have it I woke up this morning with my hand still attached to my wrist, bearing no funny marks and no sores so I think I'm ok. But dammit do I feel stupid.

So tell me, what thing have you done recently that was so stupid you wanted to kick your own ass ?

You're amongst friends now. Let it out. C'mon you know you wanna share...

When trying to be a bad ass bites me in the ass

If you've read this blog for any length of time you know how I feel about bedtime. If you have small children yourself you may feel much the same way in that getting your kids to bed is somewhere in between hell and ...hell.

Sure we have the whole routine and I get the kids in bed ok. They just don't stay that way. Each night after we've washed, brushed, flossed, jammied and read they lay down like sweet little angels. That is until I've left the room.

More often then not as soon as I pull the door closed they're out and in to something. Most of the time I'll call (read: yell) up to them "GET BACK IN BED".

On one particular night a few weeks back when I'd already gone through 12 rounds of threatening politely telling them to get back in bed I decided to sneak up on them and bust them in the act.

So I crept up the stairs, turned the knob ever so quietly and then flipped on the light and said loudly "WHATAREYOUDOING?"

It was at that moment my daughter fell to the floor, hugged her knees to her chest and screamed bloody murder. There were no toys in sight. Her brother was asleep in his top bunk and I had busted her...trying to get a drink of water from the water bottle I'd left for her.

She screamed and cried for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was probably about a minute.

Initially,part of me wanted to laugh because my daughter does have a flair for the dramatic. That was until I saw that her lips had a bluish tinge to them and she was crying so hard she couldn't breathe. The other part of me said You are for sure going to hell for wanting to laugh. You almost caused your kid to have a coronary. That's some fine parenting there.

Aah, these are the moments I cherish.

Moments which will surely propel me in to the parenting hall of fame. I'm good like that.

*******
And for you spa and chocolate lovers I bring you a new giveaway. Enjoy!

Oh...the guilt

Damn every one of you that has emailed or commented or anything to that effect about my lack of content.

Ok, not really. I love that you care and it does make me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside but you must know it's a time issue not a content issue.

Believe me I fully intend to tell you about my 5 year old son's foot fetish, and the time when I thought I was funny and scared the bejesus out of my daughter to the point where she couldn't breathe (I know I'm a good mom). I might even tell you about how I had to sit by a guy on the bus that smelled like Shrimp Top Ramen. Or I could tell you about how I'm in the process of planning a Halloween party for 15 five year olds. Yes, I know I'm not sane.
Or I could tell you about...well you get the hint. I got lots to say. Just not the time to say it. But I will. In good time. I promise. I, for once, am choosing work over blogging. Kind of. Really work is making me choose it. Ahem, moving right along.

So you have something to gnaw on for a bit, I'm doing a 6 random facts meme that my bloggy friend who became my real life friend Mrs. Tantrum tagged me for.

You'll note that this blog has remained meme free for more then a year because I'm usually too lazy to do them or just plain don't want to because they might bore the shit out of my readers. But for quick content and an award. Here you go:

1)If you were to see me during the week at work you'd be appalled at my appearance. Lately I've taken to not wearing make-up. It's not because I don't like make-up. I love it and it loves me. It's because I'm lazy and I get up too early. Any other time, I'll slap on the warpaint so as not to scare anyone

2)I do not have an Ipod. I think I am the only living adult that does not possess one. I hope to change that this Chrismas (are you listening hubby ?)

3)I'm double jointed in both thumbs. This is not useful at all. But it's a random fact so there

4)Barring Canada, I have never traveled outside of the U.S. This is something I intend to change as soon as I win the lottery or a free trip.

5)H&M has finally made it's way to the Pacific Northwest and this will most certainly cause me to have to live in a cardboard box

6)I have Diet Coke pumped intravenously in to my blood stream. Ok, not really but I might as well for the ungodly amount I drink per day.

Now then...I'll take my award Mrs. T.



Thank you and you're welcome (for the stimulating blog content and not tagging anyone for this meme of course)

Mwah,
WM

Don't you hate it when people post about not posting? ***Updated

Yeah me too but I'm doing it anyway. In order not to post sheer crap (which is all I could muster if I were forced)

I'm just saying No. No to posting for the next week or maybe two.

It's the time of year at work when my life becomes hellish and no amount of kicking and screaming makes that change. So I'll be around sporadically...probably doing a lot more reading then posting.

Having said that, I do have a cool giveaway that I hope to have posted tomorrow over at my review blog that involves OMG... appetizers and wine. Couldja just die or what ?


Mwah,

WM

********** Ok, go on head over. The giveaway is now posted. C'mon you know you wanna!

The Comeback

Oh Dear sweet perfect comeback where were you when I needed you ? Why must you be so elusive ?

Better yet, why do you present yourself to me hours after you are needed for maximum effectiveness ?

Last week, I sat in traffic irritable and beyond ready to be home after a 9 hour day. Although the light was green I didn't go because the light at the intersection just ahead was red and the last thing I wanted to do was get stuck in the middle of an intersection.
You remember that right? Yeah, I'm sure it's coming back to you now.

Then thinking the light up ahead was about to turn green I inched up a bit when all of a sudden my light turned red. So there I sat stopped. All up in the crosswalk. Oops. Not my intention but shit happens,right?

So when dude in wranglers and leather vest crossed in front of me and then turned around glared at me and shouted " THIS IS A CROSSWALK, Y'KNOW ?" all you gave me the brilliance to come up with is "DUH".

"DUH" !? Are you for freakin' real ? "DUH"!? Who says that in those situations?

So I stewed on this silly situation for no real reason other then the fact that I was already irritable and being yelled at and not having the appropriate comeback was just one more thing to annoy me.
Then, well after dude had gone you helped me come up with all kinds of good stuff like my personal fave: "What...are your little weeny-ass legs too delicate to walk the fraction of an inch around my car?"
That little gem would have packed more punch than..."Duh" don't you think?

So Mr. Comeback help a sista out and work on your timing,'mkay ?

It's for the best.

Boobies, hooters, ta-tas,breasts

Ahem, now that I've hopefully gotten your attention: it doesn't matter what you call them. What matters most is that you get them checked. Regularly.

I'm sure we've all heard the statistics but they bear repeating: every three minutes a woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer. Astounding figure isn't it ?
Approximately two years ago, one of those women was my mother. She was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in October of 2006. We were fortunate in that it was detected early enough.

And one year post treatment my mother is doing wonderfully.

That said, I can't stress enough how important it is to do whatever you can to maintain your breast health. Now I don't usually stand here atop this soapbox but this is something I feel rather passionately about.

I hope you'll stand on this soapbox with me for a bit and get the word out. Self exams and mammograms are key! And if you don't feel entirely comfortable getting the word out to friends and family Ellen to the rescue.

Ellen too is the child of a breast cancer survivor and she wants to help get the word out. She's teamed up with One-a-Day vitamins to record a wake-up-call to encourage women to get checked. Simply click here to send a personalized message to your loved ones from Ellen. The goal is to have one million calls sent by the end of October (Breast Cancer Awareness month). It's doable right ? Good.

So I've said my piece and will step down off the soapbox. But don't you forget what I've said.

Check you boobies! You'll be glad you did!

Ramblings from a very, very tired woman

It's a Monday morning not unlike the 2476 Mondays that have come before it. I'm at work and I'd rather be just about anywhere else. I'm incredibly exhausted and if you saw me now you'd probably be downright scared. The bags under my eyes and my lack of attention given to my coif this morning make it hard to tell me apart from this guy

Actually, my weekend was good. The weather was brilliant and the fam and I discovered a delightful new italian restaurant. It's the same old story though, just when I start to get really into relaxation mode I find myself back at work. May I make a recommendation to whoever controls the days of the week. Might I suggest a two day work week and a five day weekend. I'll just let you chew on that for a while... mmkay.

Oh and my apologies to anyone I may have bothered Friday night whilst 'tipsy texting'. I was drowning my sorrows about my pooch in a bottle of chardonnay and well my phone was nearby so..yeah if I had your number you were most likely a lucky recipient. Good times.

Oh my pooch, my poor pooch. He has cancer. We're exploring treatment options but unfortunately none of them are that great. Surgery may not get all of his small nerf football sized tumor. Chemo and radiation are pricey and may be too taxing for him at his advanced age. It sucks. Fucking cancer.

But the hubs is good (and has quit smoking!! Praise the lord for Chantix even if it does make you have crazy ass dreams), the kids are good (more stories on their craziness later on) and I'm tired but good.

So there you have it. I'm back .

Missed you my little lovelies!

p.s: I also come bearing gifts for you yogurt fans, check out my latest review and giveaway

The furry member of our family

He's the one on the right and he's not doing so great. He's 12 and he was my baby before my babies, so you'll excuse me if I'm not around much this week while I tend to his needs.

Smooches,
WM

In search of the butt bra

Lets just say I have an ample backside. It's not quite a shelf booty but let's say I identify with the term "bootylicious".

Most of the time I'm ok with it. It's my lot in life. Hell, I'd much rather have some then none. In fact, some days if you get me in the right jeans I'm rather likin' what I was given. But that's in heavy denim. Denim that holds and lifts and shapes.

Lightweight cotton culottes do not. But I wore them anyway last week as it was due to be a scorching day and anything else just seemed...well... hot.

That happened to be the day I needed to run Downtown to the Post Office and overnight a package. I knew it would be a zoo there and I knew I only had a half an hour so I jog-walked the seven or so blocks from my work.

And as I did. I felt. The jiggle.

I do not like to jiggle. It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world for me and probably accounts for the reason I don't like Jello. But I digress.

Ask my hubby. He knows I have jiggle issues. If he playful slaps my behind and it jiggles, well I stop feeling playful and the claws come out.

"DID YOU JUST MAKE ME JIGGLE ?" I'll screech in a voice he's come to know as the if- you-do-it-again-I'm-going-to-go-all-medieval-on-your-ass-voice.

"Uh, sorry" he'll say cowering in fear.

Yep,I'm like that. It's not pretty.

So I got to thinking as I unhappily jiggled down the hill. We have bras so that our boobies don't jiggle with reckless abandon as we lead our active lifestyles.

Why not a bra for those of us with badonk-a-donks ? I picture something very closely resembling a bra with two cups but rather then shoulder straps having a waist strap.

What? If someone is making raincoats for purses then dammit someone can make a bra for the behind.

Maybe that's my golden ticket

Now, a name. A name. What would I call this stroke of genius ?

Hmm...the jiggleliminator ? the brass ?

Well something will come to me...sooner or later. There has just got to be a public need for this kind of thing.

Umm,right ?

A little linky love is all you need

Recently, I've noticed some blogger folk have taken to spreading the love.

Linky style.

Not for any particular reason. Just because (thanks for the idea'r Jennifer).

And I think it's high time I showed folks some love. Not because I'm a follower(well not most of the time anyway...ahem) but because who doesn't like a little love, a little shout out, a little affirmation ?

So without further adieu:

I'm giving love to Elisa,the Unlikely Housewife . She bestowed upon me this lurvely award and I have finally stopped slacking long enough to tell her she's the ketchup on my burger, the Splenda in my tea...thanks, my friend

And Biddy, dear sweet Biddy. Believe it or not this bad ass diva brought Jenny the Bloggess to my blog. I already dug me some Biddy but now I'm convinced she positively rulz. Please, go squeeze the bejesus out of Biddy as she's been in a funk and could use the extra love.

Finally,

To newly married Amy of Butrfly Garden . Congrats, love . I wish you all the happiness in the world.

And to those I didn't single out, you know I love you. Believe that. But, if you really feel like you need something extra special from me...well head on over to the review blog. I'm giving away free cereal and it's chocolatey ...mmm


Happy Weekends my friends, Happy Weekends.

Mwah,

WM

Things that are making my week

In bullet points for your viewing pleasure:

Seeing the ultra-conservative CEO of our parent company try and dance at a staff block party celebrating construction of a new wing. If only I'd had a mini video camera I could have shared his super spaz-ticity with you. Picture a "suit" walking over hot coals with ants in his pants. It looked something like that. And I experienced pure joy when he turned three shades of red as he danced. Because I knew he was highly embarassed at his lack of skills and probably forced in to shaming himself by his staff who I'm sure were trying to make him appear less stuffy . Yep watching him squirm was fun. Literally and figuratively.

my son's comment after his grandma tried to clean his nose and came across a particular little stubborn boog she couldn't get. "I don't know Grandma, maybe it's backed up to my brain"

my son at the dentist last night, thinking up every excuse he could not to have to get in to the chair "If you make me do this, I swear I'm going to cuss, dammit". Proof he is my child

and this. I freakin love this commercial...

For maximum entertainment stick close to home

I did very little this weekend.

It wasn't intentional. I had all kinds of plans. Movies, shopping, lunch out at a restaurant. Things of that nature. But those plans never came to fruition.

My plans went south Saturday, when a neighbor girl I'd seen only once before rode down from her cul de sac to ours and struck up a conversation. She was sweet and mentioned that she had a younger brother and sister that might like to play with the twins.

It was a beautiful day, the twins wanted to ride their bikes, I was ready for a short walk so I headed down with the kids to check out the neighbors. The mother Misty seemed quiet and mousy but incredibly nice so I engaged in polite conversation with her while B played with her 6 year old son and J played with her 5 year old daughter. She and I were both so pleased to see our sons playing so well together we continued to let them play for some time.

As time wore on the small talk had all but ceased so I asked if she'd be ok with me returning home and the kids continuing to play. I pointed to my house and indicated I was within eyesight. She was fine with that and I turned to leave.

That was until her hot-ass-twenty-something next door neighbor came outside to chat with her hubby. I found I no longer needed to drum up small talk; that I was quite content to just drool.

Why hadn't I ventured to this area of my neighborhood before?

I sat back down in their driveway pretending to be looking at the kids riding bikes but really positioning myself so I had an optimal view of Hawt Neighbor and found something to continue to talk to Misty about.

Hawtie McHawterson left after a bit and I successful picked my tongue up off the ground.

Turning to leave again, I heard Misty say "I'm suprised we're actually here today."

"Huh?" I inquired.

She then told me she actually had 5 kids. The four I'd seen and a 3 month old that was in the hospital.

"We're hopeful he'll come home soon" she said. He's had 3 surgeries for a heart defect."

Whoa I thought. How awful! They'd all seemed so together and complete until that point but I quickly found out this mother was not. And was heartbroken she didn't have her baby boy with her. It was sad, but the prognosis seemed good so I lamely offered support and wished her the best.

Transitioning the conversation back to small talk at that point would have been incredibly awkward so I decided I'd let her get back to cleaning her garage and let her know I'd be hanging out reading on my front porch when the kids were ready to come home.

On my short walk home I ran in to another little neighbor girl,Shauna, and her parents Tom & Trystan. Tom has three kids from a prior marriage and Shauna is Trystan's child from a prior relationship. Knowing the other three had gone to visit their mom I good-naturedly said "Wow it must be pretty quiet for you all what with only one this weekend"

"Yep" Trystan said with a sigh of relief "you wouldn't believe it"

She then launched in to stories about the kids and their emotional problems, including one's call to Child Protective Services (CPS) about only being given raw food and made to cook it herself on a lightbulb.
What tha?? This was a child I'd seen quite a bit. A child that had played with my kids quite a bit and seemed so... so...well... normal.
Trystan told me tales of the little girl peeing outside (she's 9), lying, and numerous back and forth calls to CPS between her and the kids "dysfunctional" mom.

I was suprised and shocked that I'd gotten all this information from one simple statement.

I headed home, my head spinning.

Right around this time I realized how much of the day had passed and was going to start dinner when TomGirl, my 15 year old, almost knocked me over heading outside to play basketball. Our other neighbors were having a BBQ and I noticed their son and some of his friends had gone outside to play basketball. Teenage boys. Boys that would probably take off their shirts.

"Since you'll be outside, TomGirl, do you mind keeping an eye on your little brother and sister" I asked

"Sure," she said

Even so, I put dinner on pause and plopped myself on the couch where I could look out the window and spy watch the teens play ball. B-ball quickly turned in to love connection as I saw cell phones being pulled out and numbers being keyed in. Damn, teenagers worked fast.

Minutes later, I went to go retrieve B & J after realizing their sister wouldn't actually be watching them.

As I headed to the neighbor's, they saw me coming and had plates full of food ready for me to take home. Amazing smelling food. I loaded everything up and headed back in for the day. Ecstatic I no longer had to cook, I went into the kitchen poured myself a glass of wine and thought back on the day.

Sexy neighbors, heartbreak, wayward kids, horny teenagers... Hell who needs to go anywhere. I've got a soap opera right in my very own backyard.

What not to do when asking for important things from your boss

Kindergarten being the new first grade, I thought it best to adjust my schedule in order to be home earlier in the afternoon to help the twins with the mounds and mounds of homework I'm assured they'll get (and still find time to cook, clean, wash etc).

After much thought, I decided upon 6:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m which would effectively start and end my work day one and a half hours earlier then present day. Yes, that is ridiculously early and no I'm not a morning person but working 30 miles from home it would be necessary to end my work day that early just to get home by 4ish.

My supervisor was on vacation last week which was the week before school started, the week in which I wanted to begin my new hours. I drafted what I thought was a thoughtful email with the request to alter my ongoing schedule. As I pushed send it was as if a weight had been lifted. I just knew she'd agree. After 6 years of loyal service and the way I'd handled things in her absence why would she not? We share a close working relationship , she has a young child of her own. What really was there to think about ?

I left that week assuming I'd start my new schedule the following week but called Bosslady Tuesday afternoon (the twins first day of school) to confirm I could begin my new schedule Wednesday morning.

To my utter suprise I was met with resistance. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement but I sucked it up and agreed to let her think about it more and proceeded to enjoy the remainer of the day.

The following day I arrived at work at 8 a.m. disgruntled but desperately trying to suppress the rage. About an hour after I arrived, Bosslady asked me if I had time to talk about my schedule.

She stepped into my office and closed the door behind her, which I assumed couldn't be good. I was determined to be stone faced and plead my case in such a way that she couldn't do anything but agree to my demands.

She first asked why I wanted to start so early. She then admitted she was worried that me not being available for the customer service aspect of my job in the afternoon might lead more traffic to her door. I said I understood but as I saw it staff didn't tend to need as much service later in the day... and then it happened.

The water works. I begin to bawl.

I was horrified at myself but couldn't stop. "Blah , blah , blah my babies" I whined and "blah, blah they need me".

Lord, what had happened to me to turn me into this pathetic pile of goo?

Damn my hormones.

I apologized. She said not to worry and that she understood.

But I was still embarassed and ready for her to leave my office and hinted as much.

In the end, she offered a compromise. It was for me to start and end one half hour earlier. Not exactly what I wanted but she agreed to revisit it in a few months.

Damn, I thought... there went my dignity and my new schedule in one fell swoop.

And this...this is the reality that is my life. *sigh*

Signs my children watch too much tv when I'm not around

We're tv people. There I said it.

We have four *cringes* televisions in our house.

One in the family room, one in my bedroom and one set in each of my stepdaughter's rooms.

I know, I know, what can I say? I grew up watching a lot of the tube and really never grew out of it.

I suppose it's because of this that I'm probably overly anal (if that's possible) about the twins' tv watching habits. I've always limited the amount of television they could watch focusing on doing activities with them instead.
Which frankly has backfired because now even when I want that electronic babysitter they typically aren't havin' it. And while I complain, secretly that does make me happy because I feel like I've done at least one thing right.

Until last night, when I asked my daughter what she thought she might wear for her first day of kindergarten next week.

"You know what I think would be cute? " I asked "Your new pink and black shirt with the leggings"

"Yeah" said J " but you know what might even be cuter, my new blue shirt with those leggings"

Overjoyed that my daughter had successfuly matched pieces from two outfits not purchased as matching sets I exclaimed "Yeah I think you're right. Let's go get them and see"

I dashed upstairs to grab the two outfits to have her try them on.

"Aww and cute" I cooed as she tried on the various combinations.

Just then my husband walked in the room.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked

"Playing Projick Runway" J says without missing a beat.

Well... I guess I now know what she does with Grandma while I'm at work.

*** Oh and for those of you with multi-racial kids, like me, check out my latest giveaway for some super cool haircare products

[Insert best joke here]

My sister came to visit and all she brought me was this awesomely named soup..(boring, but true)

Or then there's:

I'm not gonna try it, you try it, lets get Mikey...

Or
.
.
.

wait for it:

This would be the perfect opportunity to debut that new twat flavored cracker recipe you've been dying to try but just didn't know what to pair it with

(ok yeah I know that was gross...but you know you laughed)

I'm back my friends and busier then ever but couldn't resist sharing this with you. I know you've got some zingers of your own so lay 'em on me.

On Vacation

Oooh, I almost forgot to tell you: I'm taking a well deserved (and hopefully restful) vacation for the week.

See you next week.

Guessing Game Part II

Ahh, my daughter J. The budding artiste. First it's pictures of Dr. Phil and now this.

The first person to tell me what's going on in this scene wins...



Well you win nothing really but you can feel good about yourself knowing that you are good at interpreting 5 year old art.

Oh and I really, really hope you don't guess because I'm kinda dying to give you the clue she gave me when I initially couldn't guess.

I'm excited about some things. Other things...meh (or the ramblings of a neurotic mom about to send her kids to kindergarten)

In less than 3 weeks my babies will be entering kindergarten and I am freaking the eff out.

That's like real school, y'all. Not the protected environment of co-op preschool where the ratio was 1 adult for every three kids.

I can't help but worry.

How will my kids handle their first day? I take a bit of comfort in that they have one another but what if some bigger kid tries to bully the both of them.
How will they measure up ? Do they know as much as they're supposed to know ? Will they sit and listen or will they want to play rather then learn. Will they make lots of friends? Gawd, I can't take it. My head is exploding. Excuse me while I go pop some valium.

Cue soothing music...

What was I saying? Was something actually bothering me ? Eh, couldn't have been that important.

Ahem...

I'm looking so forward to shopping for school clothes. My daughter has inherited my love of clothes and shopping and we've both seen some of the most adorably hip clothes . I get excited just thinking about us strolling down the racks not realizing we've just picked up the same thing and showing it to each other while exclaiming "I know, it's sooo cute isn't it?".

My son takes after his dad in that he'd rather watch paint dry then shop for or try on clothes but that just means I can adorn my boy in whatever I want and he could care less. Does anyone know if Armani makes clothes for the kindergarten set ?
Buying school supplies is also doing it for me. I loved getting them as a little girl, and something about doing it for my own children now just makes me positively giddy. Oh what fun it will be to pack all their little stuff in their little backpacks the night before and then take tons of pictures the day of.

Uggh but then I, like, actually have to send them... to school.

Will they get lost ? Will they miss me? Will they cry? Will they like their teacher? Will they be overwhelmed in their new environment ?

*big, deep, long, sigh*

Ok commencing drawing knees into chest and rocking back and forth

Pissy

I've got a case of the "Mondays". It started when I discovered I'd most likely locked my keys in my car which is parked at the park and ride about 20 miles away. Or I might have even been fortunate enough to have left them on the bus or at the bus stop.
Either way it's left me just plain pissy...so please come back tomorrow.

I'll be able to play nice then (and will have a real post up. I promise)

Hugs and kisses,

WM

P.S - If you've got extra time and are so inclined head on over to my review blog and check out what my kids and I think is probably one of the coolest foods ever

Ok lets just clear this up right now...

Shortly after I entered the blogging world I did one of those crazy search posts. As it turns out, "spanked hubby" was leading quite a few folks to my blog.

At that time I commented that I didn't believe there to actually be a spanked hubby blog but if one did exist " I'm dying to get over there now and check out the posts." I guess I really asked for it there because a few weeks ago I got a comment on that year old post from the owner of the actual spanked hubby blog with a link to his site.

First let me say to each his (or her) own. I'm not one to judge what grown folks do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, or kitchens or living rooms or wherever you choose to get freaky but lord have mercy I did not need to see dude in full backal (you know the opposite of frontal ) nudity with fresh red spanking marks on his pasty heiney.

I think I need to scrub my retinas with bleach.

That's an image I could have gone my whole life with out seeing and been fine. But apparently there are tons of you out there looking for him because those searches continue to bring folks here on what seems like a daily basis.

So while I'm nothing if not a gracious host , if kink is what you want I can't deliver. Dude said he welcomes any and all comments. So head on over there and get your horn on. Nothing to see here.

Mwah,

or as dude says "bottoms up" (which you gotta admit is kind of funny)

WM

Ta-Da!

Hi there, welcome, glad you stopped by. But really I must tell you to leave. Because you must head over to my new review and giveaway blog. When I do decide to do reviews and/or hold giveaways you'll find them there.
Now then isn't that neat and tidy? It keeps this space free for... for ... well for everything else embarassing I choose to reveal about my life.

Are you still here ? Go already.

Belli Skin Care just launched their new site and it's all about the par-tay! You're sure to find some suprises and maybe even a giveaway.

Speaking of parties, if you see my hubby, you know what he looks like right ? Be sure to tell him Happy Birthday. It's his 37th and he's freaking out. He hasn't gotten that age ain't nothing but a number concept down yet. Happy Birthday, hubs! Love you!

The P.I.M.P

At the request of a friend, I'd allowed the twins to be part of a photo shoot for an upcoming campaign at the local university. When we first arrived the kids decided they didn't want any part of it, but after some bribing convincing they were in their sports gear and ready to go.

The photographer had a variety of shots she wanted to take of the 8 different children. As you can imagine it was quite chaotic at times. At one point while I was helping my daughter J, I noticed my son B had disappeared. I called to hubby to stay with J while I went to go find B. As it turns out, he was across the hall in a room with some of the student workers in the photography lab. Girl students.

I walked in and announced that he needed to come back in to the other room and stay with us. "In a minute mom. I'm just talking to my ladies" , he said

"Oh, I see" I said barely stifling laughter. "Well your,uh, friends are trying to work and we should probably not be disturbing them".

He left with me but both hubby and I had to pull him from that room many a time.

Later, when B was in a shoot in which he was flanked by two older girls dressed as cheerleaders the instant the camera stopped flashing he looked at each girl and said. "I like pretty girls".

Hubby and I just looked at each other. Everyone else laughed


When finally all the pictures had been taken and the kids were sufficiently worn out we got ready to go. As we headed toward the door, my son B turned around quickly and started to run.

"B, where are you going?" we both called out to him.

"I forgot to say goodbye to my ladies" he said.

Yep, that's my son. Mad pimp that he is at the ripe old age of 5

The Comment Whore in me just needs to hang up her stilettos. Alternative title: Bored? Wanna play a guessing Game ?

I know, I know it's not me it's you... You've found someone else. But I have to say I totally miss seeing you all around. I get sad when I get 3 comments. Not to take away from those of you that did comment, please know that you're the whip cream on my latte, but of late I just have not been able to feed my inner comment whore.

Gah, I know I'm pathetic. Or maybe lame. Or maybe patheti-lame.

Ahem,in keeping with the patheti-lameness I give you this drawing from my daughter J. The first one who guesses who it is gets a million dollars. Ha Ha fooled you I don't actually have a million dollars (didn't you read yesterday's post ?..Oh wait I forgot you fell out of love with me) but I will be so completely impressed with you that I'll bestow big cyber kisses on your cyber arse.

Without further adieu: I give you the mystery drawing (hint:he's a tv personality)

I ask ye, Why oh Why wasn't I born rich ?

Something in me tells me that I was supposed to be born in to wealth. That or I was supposed to marry in to it. Maybe I was even supposed to invent the ped egg or the larger then life remote control and make millions. I just know it was supposed to happen for me.

How do I know ?

Because I could seriously work that lifestyle.

I'm not a stellar housekeeper. Never have been. That must mean I need a maid. I don't have one now but if I was rich I would. I'm sure I'd probably just call her "maid" (a la Karen from Will & Grace) because I'm that rich that I don't need to know servants names.

I can shop like a beast. Sure now, it's to Tar-zhay, TJ Maxx and Ross Dress for Less but I'm quite confident I can very smoothly transition to Barney's and Saks.

My feet, you know the ones that hate me, I'm positive would cease any and all rebellion when slipped in some Manolo Blanics.

Oh and work. Need you even question me there ? I would have no problem whatsoever not working. I'm very good at it now. Very good.

So you can see that it's meant to be for me.

Any millionaires out there want to adopt a 35 year old? I'm kinda short. I could probably pass for your kid, that is if someone was about 100 feet away and squinted really,really hard on a day when the sun was blinding them. It could be semi- believable. Think about it. I'm toilet trained, I can dress myself. I don't talk back. It could be good

Ok then, why don't you think about it and get back to me. I'll wait.

We have our first blog baby!

The lovely Lollie, of online shower fame is now enjoying her role as a new mommy



Her adorable chubby cheeked little guy was born on July 24 at 12:46 p.m at 7lbs 9oz and 20 inches.
I wish Lollie all the best in the world as she falls in love day after day with her new little man.

And congratulations to Annie for correctly guessing the gender and coming closest to the actual birthdate. Annie will be thinking of you all as she enjoys her $15 ITunes card , I'm sure.

Control is Overrated

Most of the time I like to appear as if I'm in control of a situation. I'd like to think that I have the ability to maintain my composure in the most intimidating of circumstances. Levelheaded, cool as a cucumber. That's me.

Except for Saturday

As I sat at a new "shi shi" wine bar in town I felt like I was breaking out in a sweat. I got there half an hour early, which in and of it self is a rarity for me. Especially since I'm not really on time to anything.Ever. I'd taken the bus to Seattle as I knew I'd most likely drink my weight in wine so I arrived earlier then our scheduled meeting time.

I ordered my first glass and waited. She called to let me know she'd be a little late. I crossed and re-crossed my legs, I fixed my shirt and checked the bottom of my shoes and waited, my nervous anctipation at it's peak.

After my second trip to the bathroom I walked out and saw her sitting at the space I'd occupied just moments ago. I tried my hardest not to lose it. I wanted to run and jump on her. But I didn't. I'd like to think I was somewhat controlled when I grabbed her and squeezed her and shouted WM! From then on I'm sure I was a babbling mess.

LOVE.Her! It's taking every ounce of self control I have right now not to stalk her. Dammit why couldn't she have been ridiculously loud, or smelly or something ? Nothing. She's even cuter in person and funny and honest and well none of this did anything to help cure me of my platonic girl crush.

We drank, we talked , we ate, we cried, we sang...what can I say it was more fun then a barrel of monkeys.

And I love that she didn't run away screaming when I asked if I could lick her (thanks Mr. WM for allowing me to get a little frisky with your wife). Yep my friends I was that outta control. Sure it was for a posed photo but that's some serious fabulousity on her part to put up with drunken, crazy me . Particularly when at the end of the night I repeatedly asked her to go dance with me. Repeatedly being the key word. Even after she told me "I don't dance."
Did I tell you I'm a good listener.

Lord help me.

So there you have it. The abridged version of the night. I loved Whiskeymarie as much as I thought I would, got to meet her super cool hubby and generally acted a fool. All that and no one got arrested (unless you count the almost riot on the bus in front of me as I left to go home).

Good times, my friends, good times.

I've loved her from afar now I can love her up close

There are a few bloggers that frankly I would just slobber all over myself if I got to meet.

Whiskeymarie is one of those bloggers.

I'm pretty sure she's funnier then sliced bread. Wait,how does that saying go ?

Well just know that she is the cleverest kind of funny that ever existed , she's totally cute, loves her some wine (we'll get along famously) and she has a way with food that will most likely make her the Next Food Network star.

So yes to say I'm a little excited to meet her tomorrow would be putting it mildly.
If I'm not back on Monday don't send help. I'm probably somewhere very hungover, yet very happy.

Happy weekends my friends, happy weekends.

*Note to WhiskeyMarie- I accept payment in the form of cash or drinks for all the gushing I did over you in this post.

Say bye bye to Worker Mommy

No I'm not stopping blogging. Lets be real here, that would be like asking me not to breathe. No just changing my "name"... a little.
If you've met me IRL one of the first things that you've heard out of my mouth is please whatever you do don't call me Worker Mommy.

I have a confession to make. I rather hate that name. Sure I created it, it was the first thing that popped into my mind when I started my blog. At the time I thought it was fitting. Now, I just think it's lame.

That said, I'm shortening it to WM. Simple, short and didn't require much thought to come up with. Me likey de easy.

Oh and I do have a funny story to share from yesterday but little time to share it. I hope to post it soon but lets just say my 5 year old son is a p.i.m.p.

Off to work I go.

Mwah,
WM

Why stores should just stick to playing Muzak

The day started off normally enough. I intended on making a quick stop off at the store to grab some breakfast and then be on my way.

I found the cereal aisle, grabbed some oatmeal and turned to leave. As I started to head toward the checkout counter I heard an old Stevie Wonder tune from back in my grade school days overhead on the store's sound system. It brought back a flood of memories.

Smiling to myself I decided to stay a bit longer and finish listening to the song. I walked up and down a few aisles singing along quietly to myself and well if you were the shelf stocker in the hair care aisle yes I did wiggle my arse a little. What can I say, I was really feelin it.

As I'm reliving the good old days leisurely strolling down aisles, lawd help me I spotted a 40% off sign in the clothing section and it was beckoning to me. I'd just begun perusing the sale racks when my song ended.
If you're wondering if I left like a responsible person would have done you'd be wrong. Way wrong. It was 40% off and well I my kids have to have clothes.
15 minutes and $42 worth of merchandise later I remembered that it was in fact a work day and I was supposed to be at work in half an hour (but was about 45 minutes away).
Damn that store and their tricky ways. I know they purposely turned that song on to keep me in there and cause me to spend more money.

It couldn't possibly be my fault.

Yes, I know I'm kind of disgusted with myself too.

What saved my life this weekend

Saturday hubby was gone all day. He covered for a co-worker's vacation and then went out with a longtime friend he rarely gets to see. That left me with the twins all day and all night. By myself.
Normally hangin' with the kiddos solo is not a big deal. Except the prior night my saint of a mother offered to keep the kids overnight. Which of course left only one thing for hubby and I to do. And that was to PAR-TAY!

Needless to say I was quite tired when Saturday night finally rolled around . I put the twins to bed and breathed a sigh of relief as I sank down on the couch. No sooner had I managed to get comfortable when I heard little footsteps .

"Who is it?" I called
"Me" my daughter J answered
"and you would be out of bed why?" I asked

Now I'll spare you all the back and forth but just know it took me another 15 minutes to get her back upstairs. She came up with the oldies but goodies such as "I'm thirsty and I'm hungry" and she even busted out with this new little gem "but I forgot how to fall asleep by myself'
until I wanted to rip all my freakin' hair out.

Then I remembered it. The Billy Brown Audio CD we'd been sent . Remember this post ? The one in which I (half in jest) said I could care less about national tv turnoff week. Well shortly thereafter the "Top Kid" at Giddio contacted me and asked if I'd be interested in trying out the Billy Brown audio adventures as an alternative to tv.

And let me tell you Billy Brown saved my life this weekend. Or really it was my daughters life that was saved because I was reaching that point.

Seriously though, the Billy Brown (a talking bear) adventures are fantastic for the 3-7 year old set.
They are unlike your typical monotone books on CD in that each adventure is acted out by professional voice actors . My daughter J totally digs them. And if the stamp of approval from my 5 year old isn't enough you can check it out for yourself via free download .

So there you have it, we survived the weekend virtually unscathed and I accomplished this review which has taken me forever and a day to do.

Yep, feeling pretty good about me right about now.

Uggh it's that time again

No I'm not referring to Aunt Flo (although it is that time too but I'm quite sure that's TMI ) I'm referring to Blogher.

And no I'm not there. Again. Which is particularly irritating because this year it's being held just a stones throw away in Cali. Right near my in-laws. Hell I could have made it a family trip (not that my kids or hubby would have seen me much because I'd be too busy stalking my favorite bloggers partying learning )
I swear I'm going next year regardless of where it's held. I'm making it my mission in life and until that time I think I may stick my head in the sand because the last thing I want to do is read about it from those that are there.

I wear bitter well don't you think.


Happy weekends my friends!

Mwah,
WM

Abuse me ? Oh it's nice to finally know what that sign on my forehead says

Two weeks ago on the train in to work I got socked in the face by the woman next to me.

She'd been a great neighbor up until that point in that she'd slept the whole way. Once we arrived at our stop she turned on me. She woke up confused and not paying attention to what she was doing while trying to untuck her arms from her shirt. Arm number one made contact with my cheek. There wasn't much power behind her punch and she apologized profusely but yes that was definitely a first for me.

Incident number two was on the bus last week, on the way to the train. I decided to sit in the front knowing that my stop was coming soon. A woman with an ass the size of a small country decided to sit next to me and promptly sat on half of me. Now normally I'd be completely empathetic, what with an ass the size of two ,large medium hams I get it. But this chick didn't even say sorry. She simply looked over at me as if to say "move the hell out of my way" and then proceeded to get out her book and read. I wanted to throw down I was so incensed by her rudeness. But I doubt I could have taken her.

This morning a woman fell on me as the train came to a sudden stop.

As if that wasn't enough, my co-worker is at it again. She's overwhelmed and is giving me the shittiest of her tasks to help out with.
I've asked what it is that is causing her to be so overwhelmed and still don't get it. Before she did her job, I did her job. Why she's not a fast working,multi tasking superstar like me I'll never know.
But I digress. Ahem, the point is that...
Well now that I think about it a bit more, the point is probably that it's karma. And I'm probably being paid back for some evilshitthatididbutcan'trememberanymore.

Uh yeah ...ceasing whining now.

Teenagers are nutjobs, this and other fascinating nuggets of knowledge learned from the weekend

I don't know who to blame, Hubby or TomGirl. But all I know is somebody asked and somebody relented and my 15 year old stepdaughter polished off a 72 ounce Big Gulp in less then an hour. When she walked in the door Friday evening it was as if she'd just come straight from the crack house. Or Speed house, rather, that is if Speed houses actually exist. She was pacing , walking around in circles, jumping up and down and telling me about her week at warp speed. Hubby and I kept looking at each other in a "stop-the-ride-I-wanna-get-off" kind of way until we could finally take no more and sent her spastic ass to her room to sleep it off.

Never in my life have I seen caffeine affect someone in that manner. And believe me I would know. I have a Diet Coke habit that takes me through a 12 pack and a 1/2 in one week.... sometimes more.

The following day when TomGirl had returned to her normal self the fam headed to a local fair at which she begged and begged for money for a henna tattoo. When again certain people relented TomGirl came back with a tattoo with her boyfriend's intitials. Her boyfriend she's been dating for ,oh, 2 days.

See, I told you teenagers are nutjobs and I suppose if I wasn't such a nutjob myself I'd have been much more annoyed.

My son,B, who recently realized that he was "older" then his twin sister by 2 minutes thinks it gives him license to do things older people do. "Mom," he said to me Saturday (and with a very serious face I might add)"since I'm 2 minutes older can I unplug the fan and plug it in in my tent". And with the strength of mule, I succeeded in not cracking a smile when I told him "Nope, nu-uh, no-way, you need to be a little bit older then 'two minutes' to be touching plugs". He also now refers to his twin sister as his little sister. Hmm, maybe 5 year olds are nutjobs too.

Breyers, Fat Free, Double Churn Caramel Swirl ice cream rules the world. And yes I did say fat free...which in effect would seem to defeat the purpose of eating ice cream but mamas gotta try and keep her girlish figure (or get it back anyway) and so I bought it. And well, after Gmail, I might marry it. Either that or just lay nekkid in it for a while. Yep it's that good.

And that, mah friends is the wisdom I gained from my weekend.

I'm so glad we had this time together.

I'm not a writer, I don't even play one on TV * Updated

I've been wanting to write this post for some time after a discussion I had with another blogger about why we blog. With Blogher fast approaching now seemed a fitting time.

As I get out in to the blogosphere more and more I've noticed that many bloggers aspire to be published writers (outside of what they publish on their blogs of course)and I respect and admire that. But me, not so much. I have no desire whatsoever to publish anything. Ever. Besides the fact that I can't punctuate worth a damn I just don't think I possess that creative talent and frankly even if I did I don't think I have the wherewithal to take the time required to actually pen a full length book.

I blog because it's fun (most of the time anyway). It's also,as many of you can attest to quite cathartic. As my subtitle suggests, this is my attempt to preserve my sanity one post at a time. I love that on this blog, I can be real, I can let it all hang out, I don't have to be some professional, stuffy workplace version of me. I can just be me. What you see on this blog is what you get. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not.

In blogging, I've also found a great sense of community. Sure there are cliques which I don't get. I thought we'd all left that kind of thing back in high school but ultimately, I think we're all there to support one another. Some of the most amazing words of encouragement I've received when in need have been from individuals I've never met IRL. That to me is incredible and wonderful and crazy all at the same time. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I love blogging, just to blog, not as a means to anything else. That's not to say if I was propelled in to bloglebrity status and was then able to quit my job and blog full time I wouldn't jump at the chance. But I'm quite alright knowing that the chances of that are infinitesimal.

So what was my point you might ask ? It's not to insult or demean anyone who blogs as a means to acheiving a larger writing goal it was merely to state that I am not one of them.

I blog for fun and nothing more.

Tell me something why do you do it ?

*Updated to add- If you are a blogger that aspires to be a published author do you think that those of us that aren't writers cause you to not be taken seriously. Do tell. I wanna know! Oh and feel free to go anonymous if it means you'll be truthful.

Some things are better left Unworn

When contemplating whether or not to wear that claw clip I have but two words - eh eh.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, who's she to criticize anyone?... Like she's all that.

Well I might tend to agree with you. I am after all just your average female. On most days I can barely get it together enough to slap on make-up before work and some days I might even fall victim to my inner frump. But having said that, let me say now that I know better then to ever wear a claw clip anywhere on my head. They served their purpose back in 1983 and I thought had been buried in a time capsule somewhere for our great grandkids to laugh hysterically at while exclaiming "What was that old bat thinking?"

But in a crazy turn of events I spotted one today. And I'll be durned if it was not perched atop the head of someone who- well poor thing just didn't have a clue.
In her defense though the bright yellow clip did match nicely with the bright yellow cloud shapes on her dress. A dress which I can only liken to an explosion in a crayon factory. Damn me for not having a camera phone.

I know, I know I'm horrible. I'm going right straight to hell. I'm not passing GO, I'm not collecting $200 . I'm just going.

But I'll be damned if I'm not taking all yellow claw hair clips with me.

And so as not to make me feel like the overly hormonal,snarky be-atch that I've portrayed in this post it's your turn...what clothing item or accessory gives you the absolute heebeejeebees ?

Woo Hoo! Lookit Me

I'm over here today.

Stop on by if you care to read about keeping little germies at bay during travel and if you want to know the grossest little fact about swimming pools. Ever.

Mwah,
WM

When marrying web based email programs becomes legal, Gmail, I'm getting down on one knee

Sure Gmail is efficient, has humongous storage capacity and lets me chat as much as I want but no that's not why I want to make Gmail my betrothed.

It's because Gmail is so "intuitive". When I send an email about baby showers you offer me little nuggets of goodness by way of sponsored links that tell me where I can find baby shower games online, or just the perfect shower gift. Oh how I love how you love to make my life easier. You understand that I'm a busy woman, you get me. And that is important in a relationship.

I'm sorry to have tested you earlier, but sometimes I worry that you are too good to be true. So no, I don't really want to be a stripper . But hey thanks for the link to the stripper clothing sale. If I do reconsider my career, I may look in to the dis-robing arts because hell, I might actually look halfway decent in those patent leather, thigh-high platform stilletto lace up boots and at 40% off - how could I resist! ?

And I'm ecstatic that when I asked if I had a big arse you effectively dodged that question instead pointing me in the direction of a website in which I can make custom jeans that will flatter my butt. Good lookin out, G!


And most importantly , I'm happy to know you will not cheat on me, all I need to do is head over and purchase some of that monitoring software you hipped me to and I'm golden.

Gmail , you rule , you rule like no other has ever ruled before. I now know we were meant for each other

But I do have one small request and please don't interpret this as disrespect because obviously I'm smitten w/you.

But please, enough of the spam recipes already ! Sure I may have eaten spam as a kid (In fact more times then I care to mention). But I think you get a sense of who I am and that's certainly not a woman that wants to make spam hashbrown bake or spam and spinach tortillas.

So you work on that little, itty bitty teensy weensy thing and I promise we're headed down the aisle tomorrow (sorry hubby, bigamy be damned)

Presenting the Mother of all Online Showers:Hosted by the two WMs

The lovely Lollie (who I hope doesn't kill me for posting this particular picture ) is expecting her first little wee-nut August 7th!

As much as we wanted to hop on the first plane headed to sunny Fl to celebrate with her in person,sadly, that wasn’t to be.

So we,the two WMs: Worker Mommy & WhiskeyMarie are throwing her one helluva of a cyber shower and you’re all invited!


We’ve got presents from some terrific sponsors and games so grab a drink,sit back, relax and we’ll tell you how you can join in the festivities and possibly take home some goodies of your own.

The Gifts
Happy Panda Baby,whom we love and you will too, graciously offered to sponsor this shindig and will be sending their super hip "Flawless" sleep set for the baby to be - because we know that any baby of Lollie’s will be just that - flawless.

The folks at Belli Skin Care, who make the most divine natural and safe products have offered up some amazing items for mom (to die for body firming serum ,eye brightening cream and other such goodies) and baby like their baby gift set

and finally

What’s a party with out cake? Mommysbabycakes is donating the fabulous three tiered diaper cake and matching diaper bassinet pictured here for mom and baby.

The cool thing about this cake is that all items are 100 % reusable and this cake will not make you gain extra lbs! Mommy's new online but she's got the cutest stuff and incredibly reasonable prices!

And you …just how do you fit in? Well, we want you to share the love.


The Games:
Create a post in honor of Lollie and her baby using the following 20 words : nursery, diaper, bottle, onesie, crib, stroller, binky, booties, blankie, baby powder, magician , practical , fedora, cinema, petunia, bison, airplane , organic , computerized, gesture.

Easy right? Now go forth and create.

And please be sure to come back here and sign Mr. Linky once you’ve posted your masterpiece. You have until July 11th at which time WM, Lollie and I will select 2 winners to receive their choice of a $25 Visa Gift Card or I-Tunes Gift Card.

Ooh and if you want a chance to win a $15 I-Tunes Card:

Lollie’s due date is 8/7 but we all know babies typically come when they want to. In true baby shower game style, leave a comment guessing the gender, the birthdate and the weight(if it helps any Lollie was 8lbs 4oz and her guy was 5lbs 6oz). The closest guess wins (but don’t expect to see this particular prize until August)

Congratulations Lollie, we heart you so !

and to all the rest of y’all “game on!”

XO
Your hosts,
The WMs

Because I'm a Tease

Make absolutely sure that you bring your hind parts back here Monday. Special things will be happenin'.

and that

is all I'm sayin.

Mwah,

WM

I met bloggers and you-u didn't...neener neener

What... like you come here for my incredible sense of maturity ? Pul-ease

Saturday night I met up with Annie, Mommastrantrum and Mamakazie for dinner and drinks. It was the first meeting for all of us and believe it or not they did not run away screaming when they met me. They may have even liked me a little. Or at least were good at pretending.
The conversation flowed as did the wine and we had a fabulous time the ladies and I. And well they'll always be special to me because when I mistook the coffee flavors that sat out on the counter in Dilettante for lotion and promptly pumped it on my hand they laughed their asses off. Much like I would have done had the tables been turned. What can I say it was in a lotion-esque kind of bottle and uh well I guess I kind of thought they were trying out new Amaretto scented lotion. It could happen right?
So there you go, neener neener. You wish you were me don't you ?

Oh and on a totally,completely,unrelated note my 5 year old daughter,J after learning that we were not going to the park immediately upon my arrival home from a long day at work glared at me and said "Mom, you're fired".
And no we don't watch The Apprentice in this house...thank you. So I'm really perplexed as to where she got that little gem. Yep folks , she'll be here all week.

When being the "cool" parent isn't so cool

Even before I had kids I knew that I wanted to be the "cool" parent.

My children would be the envy of all of their friends, what with a hip mom and dad that were down with all the latest fads and fashions and able to hang with the best of them.

And for the most part hubby and I have lived up to that. There's a reason TomGirl's BFF told her "your stepmom and dad are so cool". We were the only parents that started an impromptu volleyball game in the parking lot between actual games - running and diving for balls like olympians.

Because that is how we roll, hubby and I.

One particularly hot day I was out running errands when I got a call from hubby.

"Can you bring some change when you get home ?" he asked
"Sure, but why?" I asked
"The kids set up a lemonade stand and I don't have any change."

"Oh, ok,no problem" I said making sure to get a few quarters so that I could support our local business. As I pulled in to my driveway my kids came running along with a few of the neighbor kids.

"You wanna buy some lemondade?" they all shouted in unison. I purchased two glasses and set them aside as the first sip taught me that the sugar content was more then I could bear.

Ana a little 8 year old neighbor girl decided she'd wanted to have another drink stand.
"Um do you have some extra milk and some spoons ?" she asked as she talked my daughter J in to doing the stand with her.

"Sure" I said and produced the items. She and my daughter made some concoction and then asked me to purchase one which I did. Moments later Ana was asking if I wanted more.

"Uh no thanks" I said and busied myself with trying to inflate the
pool I'd purchased for the kids to play in.

Once Ana saw what I was doing she ran to get her swimsuit. When she came back she had her two brothers Chance and Stephen in tow. Chance wanted to play she said but he didn't have a swimsuit.I let him borrow some of my son's trunks.

Later when I brought a snack out for the kids, Chance finished his and decided he needed more. "Um we didn't have any breakfast" Ana spoke up.

"You didn't?" I asked knowing it was probably about 12:00 at that point.

"No our Daddy didn't fix anything for us" she said.

"Ok," I relented and went back in to the house for another bag. When I reappeared with the crackers there stood Stephen saying "I didn't get mine".

Before I could say anything Chance and Ana were asking for more. I suggested they head home and remind their Dad they hadn't had breakfast.

"But we can't" they whined "He's doing his work and we can't interrupt."

"Huh" I muttered and tried to ignore their cries for more. It went on like that for longer then I care to mention with this motley crew asking for everything in my kitchen when I'd finally had enough. I told them B & J needed to come in.

"Whew" I said to hubby. "That's nuts" I said "the manners on those kids."

Those kids the ones I thought I wanted to be down with. The ones that knock on my door every evening as soon as I arrive home wanting to chat with me and my kids about absolutely nothing, refusing to take subtle cues like "Ok we've got to go now I need to fix dinner"

Some nights,it's all I can do not to slam the door in their faces. Two nights ago Stephen came over and asked me if I wanted to buy some magazines. Mind you school is out and he had no order form resembling anything legitimate. He merely had a few very old National Geographics that he was thumbing through.

That took the cake. These kids don't think we're cool. They think we're suckers . Bump that, I thought and promptly kicked him off my porch and slammed the door in his 10 year old face for added effect.

The nerve!

Ok, not really

Uh, but I sure did think about it.

Suck It, right Foot

Remember this letter? The one in which I blasted my left foot for cursing me with the worst heel pain ever.

If you recall, I ended my letter asking that my right foot heed my warning and not pull any similar stunts. That tactic worked. For more then a year I had my right foot cowering in fear.

Until a few days ago, when I started to feel that familiar pain as I first stepped out of bed putting weight on my right foot. Pain that emits the kind of screams from me that only dogs can hear.

Oh woe is me!

On the bright side though since this condition is not unfamiliar to me I guess I know how to cure what ails me. Instead of revisiting the pervy doctor that caressed my ankle and slid off my sandal (rather then asking me to take my own sandal off) and talked to my cleavage the whole time - I'll simply freeze water in a coke bottle and roll it around on my heel, I'll do the exercises, I'll wear the splint and sport tennis shoes whenever possible (Oh if only my body understood what it's doing to a shoe fanatic like me).

*sigh*

On second thought,since we all know it's better to look good then to feel good just send me painkillers. Lots of them. The kind that'll make me feel gur-ooovy.

Yep and maybe some liquor too...

Or maybe, just maybe this is my body's way of telling me I've worked hard enough in my 35 years and that I need to plant my arse in a chair somewhere, relax my feet while 22 year old hard-bodied cabana boys fan me and feed me grapes.

Of course it is, I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out. I'm headed in to go talk to my boss now.

Uh, that was my head that just exploded

There was an 80's movie, the title of which I can't remember just now but I remember one line in particular.
"Sometimes you just gotta say... what the fuck"

Advice I need desperately to take.

I needn't stress out about the fact that my boss is stressed out and in turn trying to stress me the hell out. I needn't worry about the fact that my co-worker, whom I like, I really do, is not fully getting all aspects of her job even at 8 months in and thus wants to offload even more work to me (I'm struggling to figure out at what point I tell her enough is enough without looking like I'm failing to be "teamplayer").

I needn't worry that bossylady and co-worker are headed off to a conference next week leaving me to handle the work of three people.
Nope not going to worry about it at all.

In fact, with them out of the office I may blog more .

Yeah, things are looking up already!

Overheard

With gas now requiring a 2nd mortgage, I've begun taking the train to work religiously. In doing so, I've found that I really prefer it to driving or taking the bus.

I typically come in to work a bit more relaxed having used the ride to indulge in a little trashy novel reading. Comprised of professionals commuting to work, the train is much quicker than the alternative bus that stops at every third block and drives on the heavily trafficked freeways I'm trying to avoid. Plus, I'm no longer subjected to the obnoxious bus riding teens that want to ensure each passenger knows they can use the word fuck in every sentence , or smelly undesirables that have no knowledge they reek when sitting as close to me as possible.

That said, recently I've started to become disenchanted with the train. Particularly in the afternoon. When everyone on the train gets on their cell phones immediately upon taking a seat.
Granted, I understand the need to check in with family after work but that's not what I'm hearing. I'm hearing long drawn out conversations to switch insurance policies, then a subsequent call to significant other to let him know you've done so, then an argument with significant other because he did not want you to switch without consulting him.

Why, just the other day I had the pleasure of sitting across from a lady with a hideous cow print patent leather coat as she discussed her evening plans. "Well I was thinking of picking up a cake and bringing it to him along with a little sump'n sump'n. Then I have to head home and then take a shower and then..."

"LADY," I'm screaming inside my head "WHO FREAKIN CARES , besides if you didn't get the memo, it's no longer cool to say 'a little sump'n sump'n' or any variation of that phrase"

Oh and my personal fave, the exceptionally LOUD mom that was having a discussion with another mom about some neighborhood girl that comes to her house and eats everything. "I mean chips or pop is one thing but she's always in my pantry and its non stop" she bellowed.
When Loud Mom finally ended her call I was relieved , until she felt the need to relay the whole conversation to the passenger across from her. "Drama Mom" she said shaking her head in disbelief. "Soooo ridiculous", she exclaimed!

Her !?, I thought. How about you you ? You are louder than any human is supposed to be and you fail to realize that the rest of us just aren't interested.

Now don't get me wrong, I've taken a brief call on the train before. The key word being brief and even in urgent situations that required a bit more conversation I've lowered my voice.

What is it about the afternoon train that makes everyone turn in to those same obnoxious teenagers I stopped taking the bus to avoid ?

I just don't get it. It's incredibly frustrating!

Short of bitch slapping someone, though, I guess I have to deal with it as I can't think of any commuting alternatives.

But it is getting worse as the ridership increases.

I've actually eyed my kids scooters.

Don't laugh, it could be done. I swear if I have to hear one more time how you sent your outfit to the drycleaners 3 times and they still couldn't get the red wine stain out I'm headed there.

So if you see a little 5' 2" woman on a pink radio flyer scooter headed down I-5 don't laugh. Simply beep and wave and know that I finally reached my breaking point.

**************************

Now then, Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there and all that good stuff.

Mwah,
WM

Eff off Cancer, You weren't invited to this Party

Kay said something funny to me the other day.

It was as I was explaining something I'd written on my blog. "Have you been reading ?"I asked. "No", I just haven't had the time" she said quickly which would have been a perfectly acceptable answer as Kay works full time has two children and just experienced a messy divorce.
But then she added "You know why I don't read your blog ?"

"Why"

"Because it's not about me," she said, which at that moment if you knew Kay was probably the funniest thing she could have said. Kay is probably the least conceited person you could meet.

"Whatever" I said but secrectly vowed to share some of our escapades or put in more that a casual reference to her as "the bff" in a post

And now I'm writing about her twice in a row in fact, but this isn't really at all what I'd planned on writing.

I didn't want to write that her cancer has recurred and she's most likely going to have to endure high dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplantation- procedures that in addition to possibly making her incredibly weak and ill will take up to a year to recover from.

But I'm hopeful that these treatments will force this evil disease back in to the bowels of hell from which it came.

I've already threatened offered to bring the WM fam and set up shop at her house so that I can be there to hold her hair when she throws up in the middle of the night or make her laugh when she's at the point where she feels she can't take anymore.

The partners at her work are already making arrangements for her to telecommute and have asked that she not make any healthcare decisions based solely on insurance- that if need be they will pay for that which isn't covered.

So between her mom, her sister, her co-workers and I we've got it covered. We're prepared to be her support system.

We refuse to let this univited guest spoil our party.

And to you, my internet friends, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the thoughts ,prayers and well wishes on Kay's (and my) behalf.

You are my support and for that I am eternally grateful.