Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Freakish Tendencies - Part II

I'm thinking I may just do a weeklong series on the oddities that make me me (part I is here).

Mmm...on second thought maybe not. I like the fact that I have deluded myself in to thinking I'm normal. It works for me.

But, what I am going to do is a "part two" because well this one is just too odd not to share. And if you can't laugh at yourself well then who can you laugh at? Me!!! So here I am baring my soul for your amusement.

Here goes.

Remember that post, you know the one I wrote about the need to recognize the shoes of the person using the facilities next to you.
Yes, well in this particular instance at work several days ago I didn't even have to recognize any shoes.
As I stood at the bathroom sink washing my very own hands this bold , brazen, nasty hussy leaves the stalls and as I look up at her in an effort to be polite she looks at me glares and walks out. She didn't even try to hide the fact that she wasn't going to wash her hands. Uggh!! So what did I do ?

I shuddered and then...

wait for it...

No, no I didn't do as one may have thought and make a mental note to leave an anonymous note on her desk

I washed my hands again.

Here's where you laugh (as I did when I realized what I had just done).... As if at that moment my washing my hands a second time would compensate for this nasty stinky filthy non hand washing bimbo.


And there you have it. The end. Feel free to leave numbers for good therapists in the comments.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Proof of my freakish tendencies

Aahh, nothing like 4 consecutive days away from work to refresh and rejuvenate me.

My holiday was absolutely lovely with the exception of the twins getting nasty colds on Thanksgiving thus requiring they stay home with Dad while the older girls and I went to my Aunt's for the annual festivities. (Thank goodness for the tons of leftovers I grabbed before I left to enable us all to have Thanksgiving dinner together the next night.)

Oh yeah, and with the exception of when hubby and I got in to a "debate" about my blog.

It was at that time that I discovered hubby, who does not read my blog ,thinks that the bulk of what I do is bitch about him. He thinks that I have painted such a horrible picture of him that he wouldn't dare meet any of my blogosphere pals. I told him not to flatter himself and that I have better things to talk about then him. I merely invited him to read posts other than what I have shared with him to see that while there have been a few times in which he was depicted in a not so favorable light those types of posts are few and far between.

So in an effort to emphasize the fact that I do not constantly paint a poor picture of my husband I am shining the light on myself and blogging about what a weirdo I am.
Weeeell it's not so much that I am a weirdo as it is that I have the tendency to do weird things every now and then. Ok, yeah, I guess I am a weirdo.


Take for instance last Friday. Black Friday. The Friday in which people at a local mall were trampling one another to get to the good sales. Right. I joined in the madness.

No I didn't go to the mall.

But I did go to Wal-Mart. WAL MART.

If that isn't proof that I'm a freak then I don't know what is.

In my defense the Wal Mart in my neigborhood is only a few years old and hasn't yet turned in to crazy central. It's actually nice, clean and well staffed.

But still. What was I thinking ?

When my alarm went off at 4:15 I silently questioned my sanity but got up, got ready and headed out anyway.
And while I figured it would be madness I didn't count on seeing a line around the corner. A line that was not single file but quadruple file. After a few expletives and more sanity questioning I decided to take it as a personal challenge to brave the chaos. I found a spot to park and as it wasn't quite 5:00 when I arrived I stayed in the warmth of my car until I saw the line moving. And boy did it ever move. I didn't expect it to move so fast. I literally got out of my car and ran. Thank goodness it was still dark...because really I'm not sure why I was running. I mean even though the line was moving quickly there was still a buttload of people that had not yet been let in.

But, as luck would have it , the line went quickly and I was let in after only freezing one ass cheek off. And minus one or two traffic jams near electronics I quickly made my way to the toy aisle.

What was so important you might ask. Well believe it or not my 4 1/2 year olds have never had bicycles (they've had trikes and foot powered cars but no bikes) and I felt it was high time I stopped being a lamo and purchased them for my poor deprived children. So one Spiderman bike and one Disney Princess bike later, I left the madness. Sure, they had other great sale items but I could only take so much. And here's the funny thing. The bikes weren't even on sale. So yeah, I'm not sure why I needed to get to Wal-Mart at 5 am on the worst shopping day in the history of human beings ... It's a mystery...(cue twilight zone theme)

So there you have it. That's how I roll. I'm a freak, an oddity...uh me and all the other 4 gazillion weirdos who thought it was also a good idea to shop on Black Friday.

Monday, November 19, 2007

I am Thankful...

That last week ended without any casualties. Lets just say it was a hellish week at work - probably one of the most stressful times of year for me as far as my "job for pay" is concerned. It became even more stressful when my boss inadvertently added babysitting and hand holding to my job description. So yeah, I did a lot of hand holding for grown ass adults last week. People who knew they had to get information to me by a certain deadline but didn't and only wanted to bitch and moan about the deadline and how they couldn't meet it even though they were notified of it 3 weeks prior. Thus I'm thankful that I made it through the week with minimal hair loss, only broke out in hives once and only drank 5 nights out of 7. *ok,I could be exaggerating a bit here... maybe

I'm thankful that my hubby is so good with his hands. (Get your mind out of the gutter). Never having cut hair before in his life he purchased clippers and was able to cut my sons hair perfectly yesterday - even lining it up nicely around the hairline, neck and ears just like the professionals - effectively saving me $15 a month which results in about $180/year back in my pocket also known as a few super cool new pairs of shoes

And most importantly I'm thankful for a 3 day workweek! Oh yes and those people that took the entire week off making traffic today a breeze, finding parking effortless and my office nice and quiet which is a welcome change after last week.

Now then please, go forth and be thankful, be safe, have fun and don't expect to hear much outta me until next week.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

But He Only Cross Dresses On The Weekends

As hubby prepared to take his uniforms in to work for the weekly laundry service he commented “I better check and make sure none of your panties are in here”

My panties...Why would they be over there?” I asked referring to the dirty clothes hamper in which he keeps his uniforms prior to taking them back in to be cleaned each week.

"I don’t know but the laundry service guy sure did give me an odd look as he handed them back to me the other day." hubby remarked

“Really” I said through laughter “What did he say?”

“Well he just looked at me funny and said I don’t think I’ll be needing these and handed them back to me."

Oh what I wouldn't give to have been a mind reader that day.

Monday, November 12, 2007

In which I turn into a radio dj and just start announcing things

Like any good radio dj I must first start with a few shout outs (could I be any more "90s")

First to my beautiful and talented youngest stepdaughter GPT, who turned 13 on Saturday, Happy Birthday, Sweets. I shall now pull out the chastity belt and the padlocks for your bedroom door (uh and window too). Oh and I suppose I can no longer rightfully call you GPT (Girly Pre-teen) so from this point forward you shall be known as Girly-Teen . Love you GT

And another b'day shout out to my big sis, E, who turns 37 today. Happy Birthday baby. Take care of you today and not everyone else. Smooches and huge love to you.

Ooh and lest we not forget my mom. My amazing, selfless, funny, beautiful kick ass mom turns 61 tomorrow.

Now let us leave birthday central so that I may announce my proudest parenting moment yet. Really I wasn't in the room when it happened but hubby told me quickly after. So yeah, my four year old son called his sister bitch. According to hubby he'd heard it from the Batman movie and quickly parroted it . Let me tell you I'm oozing with pride.

And I'll leave you with that.

WM out

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Because I must Know

Because I must know...see what I did there ? It's a play on my blog title...clever, huh ? Uh right anyway before I get to the point of this post a quick update in which my last two posts tie in to one another.
Aunt Flo helped me grow a pair...wait that didn't sound right. I didn't actually grow a pair , but I did use Aunt Flo as my excuse for why I was unable to make it to the Mary Kay facial. So maybe AF is not such an evil whore after all - well yeah she really is...but I guess in this particular instance she was spot on with her timing.

Ahem, now that you've been properly updated... on to what I must know. Comedian Ralphie May whom I get a kick out of (what can I say I like a little crude humor) suggested that men don't actually like the gifts we (their significant others) give them. Frankly, he says our gifts suck and that really we could satisfy our men better with two gifts that are free. FREE, he says.
Can you guess what those two gifts are ? No... well let me just tell you: "oral" as he puts it and "silence".
Now I must know, ladies and especially any gentleman lurkers now is the time to speak up, is that really what men want ?
If I refrained from ever buying hubby a gift , ever again and simply "performed" and gave him a little more peace and quiet (hell, I'll admit it I like to talk) he'd be satisfied. Really ?
I have to wonder because my hubby sure in the hell wasn't complaining about how he'd wished he'd gotten a hummer instead of his prized VW , or his favorite cologne that he even went so far as to paste a magazine ad on the refrigerator to make sure I remembered the name , or his car stereo. Hmmm...puzzling to say the least.
Thus I must know...have I been fooling myself all these years thinking hubby enjoyed his gifts - could I realistically be thousands of dollars richer had I listened to good old Ralphie.
Because it that really is all hubby wants then dammit I'll be quiet for the rest of my life.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The curse on Halloween...why that should be Illegal

Oh, the amount of chocolate I consumed last night. Frankly, I'm suprised it's not coming out of my pores this morning. Why surely if somebody cut me today I'd bleed brown. I think the KitKat and Reeses folks may send me a cut for increasing their stocks.
So it is for that reason, my rebelling belly and I feel we need to, yet again, write a letter to Aunt Flo and her band of hellacious hormone co-horts.

Dear Ms. "I think I'm funny":

How dare you pay me a visit on a holiday that revolves around chocolate and candy ? Are you trying to ruin me ? I've already had to buy an uh "garment" to keep the jiggling to a minimum but please don't forever mess with my psyche and make me have to purchase a mumu.
In closing, your timing is just bad. Please for the sake of my sanity do not even think about visiting me at this time next year.

Your friend until I hit Menopause,