Thursday, October 30, 2008

From the I'm so stupid I shouldn't be let loose in society files

Every week day I spend time in a large metropolitan area. I've seen it all from the smelly, the stinky and the crazy on down to the I'm-not-sure-what-the-hell-you-are-I-just-know-I-should-stay-away-from-you. And every week day I manage to sidestep most of these folks.

Except yesterday when I was cornered. Sort of.

No sooner had I crossed the street when Dude said "You are beautiful".

I wanted to ignore him, I really did. But I did just get my hair done and it had been a long taxing day and frankly a compliment, regardless of the source it came from, was right on time. So I spoke and said simply "thank you" and tried to look away.

But then he kept repeating it, and when another pedestrian walked by he tried to stop him and say "Isn't she beautiful?". It had become comical at that point and I kinda let a smile slip and glanced over at him

Boots in good condition, nice jeans and nice flannel shirt paired with a parka type vest. That's odd. Why is he on this corner notorious for the skeezy, unkempt and batshit crazy I thought.
Then I looked at his face. Particularly his eyes. His red rimmed, faraway, I'm totally hammered eyes. And then I kinda got it. He's one of those i-don't-know-what-the-hell-you-are-but-i-just-know-I-need-to-stay-away types.

"I got a momma and a sister and you're beautiful" he said again.

Uh ok, I thought.

"What's your name?" he asked.

And in true non-quick thinking fashion I couldn't come up with anything.

"WM" I said meekly hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"Well mine's D and it's a pleasure to meet you" he said extending his hand.

And what did I do, but extend my very own hand. And then, before I could move away, run, hide and/or freak the fuck out

Luckily the light turned in my favor and I booked it across the street.

Holy Hell did that really just happen I thought as I frantically looked for hand sanitizer in my bag. I.had.nothing.

I contemplated stopping somewhere ... anywhere to wash my tainted hand but there really wasn't anywhere. And so I waited until I got home, holding my hand far away from me much like one might hold a smelly diaper far from your nose.

The first thing I did when I arrived in my door was make a beeline for the bathroom to scrub my hand. As luck would have it I woke up this morning with my hand still attached to my wrist, bearing no funny marks and no sores so I think I'm ok. But dammit do I feel stupid.

So tell me, what thing have you done recently that was so stupid you wanted to kick your own ass ?

You're amongst friends now. Let it out. C'mon you know you wanna share...

Monday, October 27, 2008

When trying to be a bad ass bites me in the ass

If you've read this blog for any length of time you know how I feel about bedtime. If you have small children yourself you may feel much the same way in that getting your kids to bed is somewhere in between hell and ...hell.

Sure we have the whole routine and I get the kids in bed ok. They just don't stay that way. Each night after we've washed, brushed, flossed, jammied and read they lay down like sweet little angels. That is until I've left the room.

More often then not as soon as I pull the door closed they're out and in to something. Most of the time I'll call (read: yell) up to them "GET BACK IN BED".

On one particular night a few weeks back when I'd already gone through 12 rounds of threatening politely telling them to get back in bed I decided to sneak up on them and bust them in the act.

So I crept up the stairs, turned the knob ever so quietly and then flipped on the light and said loudly "WHATAREYOUDOING?"

It was at that moment my daughter fell to the floor, hugged her knees to her chest and screamed bloody murder. There were no toys in sight. Her brother was asleep in his top bunk and I had busted her...trying to get a drink of water from the water bottle I'd left for her.

She screamed and cried for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was probably about a minute.

Initially,part of me wanted to laugh because my daughter does have a flair for the dramatic. That was until I saw that her lips had a bluish tinge to them and she was crying so hard she couldn't breathe. The other part of me said You are for sure going to hell for wanting to laugh. You almost caused your kid to have a coronary. That's some fine parenting there.

Aah, these are the moments I cherish.

Moments which will surely propel me in to the parenting hall of fame. I'm good like that.

And for you spa and chocolate lovers I bring you a new giveaway. Enjoy!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Oh...the guilt

Damn every one of you that has emailed or commented or anything to that effect about my lack of content.

Ok, not really. I love that you care and it does make me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside but you must know it's a time issue not a content issue.

Believe me I fully intend to tell you about my 5 year old son's foot fetish, and the time when I thought I was funny and scared the bejesus out of my daughter to the point where she couldn't breathe (I know I'm a good mom). I might even tell you about how I had to sit by a guy on the bus that smelled like Shrimp Top Ramen. Or I could tell you about how I'm in the process of planning a Halloween party for 15 five year olds. Yes, I know I'm not sane.
Or I could tell you about...well you get the hint. I got lots to say. Just not the time to say it. But I will. In good time. I promise. I, for once, am choosing work over blogging. Kind of. Really work is making me choose it. Ahem, moving right along.

So you have something to gnaw on for a bit, I'm doing a 6 random facts meme that my bloggy friend who became my real life friend Mrs. Tantrum tagged me for.

You'll note that this blog has remained meme free for more then a year because I'm usually too lazy to do them or just plain don't want to because they might bore the shit out of my readers. But for quick content and an award. Here you go:

1)If you were to see me during the week at work you'd be appalled at my appearance. Lately I've taken to not wearing make-up. It's not because I don't like make-up. I love it and it loves me. It's because I'm lazy and I get up too early. Any other time, I'll slap on the warpaint so as not to scare anyone

2)I do not have an Ipod. I think I am the only living adult that does not possess one. I hope to change that this Chrismas (are you listening hubby ?)

3)I'm double jointed in both thumbs. This is not useful at all. But it's a random fact so there

4)Barring Canada, I have never traveled outside of the U.S. This is something I intend to change as soon as I win the lottery or a free trip.

5)H&M has finally made it's way to the Pacific Northwest and this will most certainly cause me to have to live in a cardboard box

6)I have Diet Coke pumped intravenously in to my blood stream. Ok, not really but I might as well for the ungodly amount I drink per day.

Now then...I'll take my award Mrs. T.

Thank you and you're welcome (for the stimulating blog content and not tagging anyone for this meme of course)


Monday, October 13, 2008

Don't you hate it when people post about not posting? ***Updated

Yeah me too but I'm doing it anyway. In order not to post sheer crap (which is all I could muster if I were forced)

I'm just saying No. No to posting for the next week or maybe two.

It's the time of year at work when my life becomes hellish and no amount of kicking and screaming makes that change. So I'll be around sporadically...probably doing a lot more reading then posting.

Having said that, I do have a cool giveaway that I hope to have posted tomorrow over at my review blog that involves OMG... appetizers and wine. Couldja just die or what ?



********** Ok, go on head over. The giveaway is now posted. C'mon you know you wanna!

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Comeback

Oh Dear sweet perfect comeback where were you when I needed you ? Why must you be so elusive ?

Better yet, why do you present yourself to me hours after you are needed for maximum effectiveness ?

Last week, I sat in traffic irritable and beyond ready to be home after a 9 hour day. Although the light was green I didn't go because the light at the intersection just ahead was red and the last thing I wanted to do was get stuck in the middle of an intersection.
You remember that right? Yeah, I'm sure it's coming back to you now.

Then thinking the light up ahead was about to turn green I inched up a bit when all of a sudden my light turned red. So there I sat stopped. All up in the crosswalk. Oops. Not my intention but shit happens,right?

So when dude in wranglers and leather vest crossed in front of me and then turned around glared at me and shouted " THIS IS A CROSSWALK, Y'KNOW ?" all you gave me the brilliance to come up with is "DUH".

"DUH" !? Are you for freakin' real ? "DUH"!? Who says that in those situations?

So I stewed on this silly situation for no real reason other then the fact that I was already irritable and being yelled at and not having the appropriate comeback was just one more thing to annoy me.
Then, well after dude had gone you helped me come up with all kinds of good stuff like my personal fave: "What...are your little weeny-ass legs too delicate to walk the fraction of an inch around my car?"
That little gem would have packed more punch than..."Duh" don't you think?

So Mr. Comeback help a sista out and work on your timing,'mkay ?

It's for the best.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Boobies, hooters, ta-tas,breasts

Ahem, now that I've hopefully gotten your attention: it doesn't matter what you call them. What matters most is that you get them checked. Regularly.

I'm sure we've all heard the statistics but they bear repeating: every three minutes a woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer. Astounding figure isn't it ?
Approximately two years ago, one of those women was my mother. She was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in October of 2006. We were fortunate in that it was detected early enough.

And one year post treatment my mother is doing wonderfully.

That said, I can't stress enough how important it is to do whatever you can to maintain your breast health. Now I don't usually stand here atop this soapbox but this is something I feel rather passionately about.

I hope you'll stand on this soapbox with me for a bit and get the word out. Self exams and mammograms are key! And if you don't feel entirely comfortable getting the word out to friends and family Ellen to the rescue.

Ellen too is the child of a breast cancer survivor and she wants to help get the word out. She's teamed up with One-a-Day vitamins to record a wake-up-call to encourage women to get checked. Simply click here to send a personalized message to your loved ones from Ellen. The goal is to have one million calls sent by the end of October (Breast Cancer Awareness month). It's doable right ? Good.

So I've said my piece and will step down off the soapbox. But don't you forget what I've said.

Check you boobies! You'll be glad you did!