Thursday, October 4, 2007

Hey you...yeah you with the big old Uterus

Because I totally heart Amy from Butrfly Garden&Brillig I’ve decided to show them some love by bringing you my very own gyno horror in honor of their one time only event

Beware, there is no telling what I may say as I’m currently under the influence of some pretty serious drugs of the cold medicine variety.

So here goes:

I’ve mentioned before that I think the sun rises and sets with my gynecologist. If I have to have someone all up in my lady bits I’d just as soon it be her. Wait that didn’t sound right...did I tell you I was in a cold medicine induced fog …ok good. So it's not my doc that's the problem here it was uh...well just keep reading.

After the birth of the twins I knew life would be chaotic and I wanted a form of birth control that I didn’t need to remember to take each day in order for it to work properly . A friend had just gotten the Mirena IUD and spoke highly of it. When I inquired about it with Dr. B she said yes it was becoming quite popular and just happened to be the choice of most of the female physicians in her practice (whom I love almost equally as much as Dr. B). I was overjoyed and made my appointment to get the IUD.

The day that worked best for me was a day Dr. B was unavailable, so I got on the schedule of a nurse practitioner I’d seen before.

When I arrived in the room I was given a pamphlet and told different risks like it might fall out (what tha ?), some men say they can feel it during intercourse (again, what tha), but that it was 99% effective and the hormone dosage was fairly low (ok, now you're talking). So I listened, signed the paper saying I understood and then prepared myself for the ,er, installation.

But before we could get started the nurse indicated she needed to measure my uterus as the Mirena was designed to fit uteri (yes, I know its not a word but doesn’t it just seem like it should be) 6 to 9cm.
Have you ever had your uterus measured? No? Well lets see…pull your top lip all the way over your computer monitor and then you’ll get the gist of what it feels like. It really hurts. While I can’t say I knew exactly what she was doing down there I know I felt lots of tugging and pulling kind of to the point where I wanted to kick her in the face. But I refrained…she was not the enemy. She was actually the one that was going to make it so that I could be more spontaneous with hubby and not have to worry about swallowing a pill each day on top of remembering everything that goes along with caring for newborn twins.
Be nice I tell myself.
Finally after what seemed like forever, she spoke
“11cm" she said "I just wanted to measure it twice to be sure. It looks like you’re not a candidate for the IUD.”

Damn, why didn't I kick her when I had the chance?

“Really?” was all I could muster.

“Yes,” she said. "Your uterus is just a little too big.”

“Darn twins” I mutter.

She proceeds to explain that it wasn’t necessarily because of the twins, that uterus size has nothing to do with the size of the woman. She says she sees women that are really large and have the smallest uteri (well I made it up, I gotta use it again) and woman that are petite with very large uteri. So there really isn’t any rhyme or reason.

Great ... wonderful I’m thinking. Can you please stop talking so I can put on my clothes and go down a bottle of painkillers for my whoo whoo .
When she began to talk other birth control methods with me, I tuned her out.

I’d.had.enough.

So with a quick, “Thanks, I’ll think about it and get back to you" I lugged my big ol uterus off the table, got dressed and went home.

14 comments:

Butrfly Garden said...

"Damn, why didn't I kick her when I had the chance?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I can't imagine. I don't want to. But I now know that if I am ever requested to measure my uterus, the answer will be "Not unless you'd like to be kicked in the face!"

Thanks for joining in, WM!

Rebecca said...

youch!

you may have a large uterus - but having gestated healthy twins it is also a very accomplished and clever uterus.

Brillig said...

Oh, WM!!! I know exactly the feeling of having your uterus measured. Oh, it's so not fun. I love your "stretch your lip over your monitor" example. Hahahaha. Awesome post, dear. Thanks for playing along! I heart you right back. :-D

www.nolanotes.com said...

Yeah, that sucks. And to not even qualify as able to use it. Sucky-suck-suck.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

ugh...that sounds awful. you definitely should have kicked the woman. i personally hate going to the gyno anyway, but this? yikes!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I would totally have the doc you love do the measurement again. Not that the NP didn't know what she was doing, but well--it sounds like she was having "difficulties". Sorry you had such a rough time with her.

~JJ! said...

Uteri.

Love it.

You ter I.

You ther I.

You the Ri.

You tha woman, for sharing that story.

Man, I have one too...I'll have to get on this.

And that photo..>Who wouldn't want that on their blog?

Maureen said...

Oh man... I am cramping up just reading that post. It reminds me too much of my very short IUD implant eons ago. I swear that thing was evil; I have never had so much pain in my life. I was begging for it to be taken out just weeks later. Maybe you're better off having a large uterus.

Misty said...

That is a beyond uncomfortable process! you are right... It's great that you like your regular dr. though. It is so hard to find a gyno that doesn't affect you in a completely negative way.

p.s. it is a great word! Couldn't you win money, or something, by making it official? I imagine professors of "womanhood" sciences use it all of the time!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

Perhaps she missed the day in medical school when they had the class on tact and diplomacy?

Virtualsprite said...

You know, for all the crap that doctors spew about penis size and "normal", I think her comments about uterus size were just insensitive.

Yep... definitely should have kicked when you got the chance.

Naarski (the Mrs.) said...

Omg! I got Mirena today! I had a weird experience! The nurse while prepping me told me a horrible story about her ex-husband and it totally was inappropriate. Anyway, I am still cramping from that thing being inserted into me.

Cherann said...

At least it's not your nose. What if your nose was huge? Everyone would be able to see how large your nose was... Your uterus is on the inside and no one would ever know from looking at you that your uterus is large.

Eve said...

Don't feel too bad. Once I laid down and prepared for an exam by a new Nurse Practitioner, she did her thing, and while she was in there she said..."wow, you must have had some big babies!"
Umm...excuse me? What is that supposed to mean exactly?