Hey you...yeah you with the big old Uterus

Because I totally heart Amy from Butrfly Garden&Brillig I’ve decided to show them some love by bringing you my very own gyno horror in honor of their one time only event

Beware, there is no telling what I may say as I’m currently under the influence of some pretty serious drugs of the cold medicine variety.

So here goes:

I’ve mentioned before that I think the sun rises and sets with my gynecologist. If I have to have someone all up in my lady bits I’d just as soon it be her. Wait that didn’t sound right...did I tell you I was in a cold medicine induced fog …ok good. So it's not my doc that's the problem here it was uh...well just keep reading.

After the birth of the twins I knew life would be chaotic and I wanted a form of birth control that I didn’t need to remember to take each day in order for it to work properly . A friend had just gotten the Mirena IUD and spoke highly of it. When I inquired about it with Dr. B she said yes it was becoming quite popular and just happened to be the choice of most of the female physicians in her practice (whom I love almost equally as much as Dr. B). I was overjoyed and made my appointment to get the IUD.

The day that worked best for me was a day Dr. B was unavailable, so I got on the schedule of a nurse practitioner I’d seen before.

When I arrived in the room I was given a pamphlet and told different risks like it might fall out (what tha ?), some men say they can feel it during intercourse (again, what tha), but that it was 99% effective and the hormone dosage was fairly low (ok, now you're talking). So I listened, signed the paper saying I understood and then prepared myself for the ,er, installation.

But before we could get started the nurse indicated she needed to measure my uterus as the Mirena was designed to fit uteri (yes, I know its not a word but doesn’t it just seem like it should be) 6 to 9cm.
Have you ever had your uterus measured? No? Well lets see…pull your top lip all the way over your computer monitor and then you’ll get the gist of what it feels like. It really hurts. While I can’t say I knew exactly what she was doing down there I know I felt lots of tugging and pulling kind of to the point where I wanted to kick her in the face. But I refrained…she was not the enemy. She was actually the one that was going to make it so that I could be more spontaneous with hubby and not have to worry about swallowing a pill each day on top of remembering everything that goes along with caring for newborn twins.
Be nice I tell myself.
Finally after what seemed like forever, she spoke
“11cm" she said "I just wanted to measure it twice to be sure. It looks like you’re not a candidate for the IUD.”

Damn, why didn't I kick her when I had the chance?

“Really?” was all I could muster.

“Yes,” she said. "Your uterus is just a little too big.”

“Darn twins” I mutter.

She proceeds to explain that it wasn’t necessarily because of the twins, that uterus size has nothing to do with the size of the woman. She says she sees women that are really large and have the smallest uteri (well I made it up, I gotta use it again) and woman that are petite with very large uteri. So there really isn’t any rhyme or reason.

Great ... wonderful I’m thinking. Can you please stop talking so I can put on my clothes and go down a bottle of painkillers for my whoo whoo .
When she began to talk other birth control methods with me, I tuned her out.

I’d.had.enough.

So with a quick, “Thanks, I’ll think about it and get back to you" I lugged my big ol uterus off the table, got dressed and went home.