I'm sure that must have been what my little boy was thinking just before he ingested the smooth, shiny temptations.
I typed out the story of my son's ordeal and then deleted it.
I wanted to share it. In fact, I wanted to write it down in hopes that it would be therapeutic. In hopes that it would help me forgive myself for the fact that I let a nurse convince me that B hadn't swallowed quarters. You see he briefly mentioned something about a quarter to my mom when the original episode happened. Seconds later when she asked if he swallowed a quarter he said "No". Upon calling the Dr's office I was told "The fact that he's vomitting and able to speak tells me that he didn't swallow a quarter".
I regret trusting those words, I regret not trusting my little boy, I regret not immediately bringing him to the ER. I regret that he was miserable during those few days we thought that it was a stomach virus with sore throat as told to us by our pediatrician. I regret that I was on an airplane and not with my child when he had that scary procedure to retrieve the quarters. I regret so much.
I've re-lived the event in my head several times and all I see is my little boy miserable , unable to eat, speak or drink while the quarters were lodged in his throat and we didn't know.
But for as much as I've felt like a horrible parent over these last few days there's this little boy that still loves me, that has the most infectious laugh, brilliant smile ,sharp wit and he's healthy and I get the pleasure of being his mom.
So I know I have to focus on that and not would of , should've and could have. I have to focus on the present... but I can't forget the past.
I will be vigilant in his healthcare and I will listen to what he says and most importantly I won't automatically trust what a health care professional says just because he/she is a health care professional.
I'm sorry, B, mommy won't ever let you down like that again.
Can you tell I've been absolutely plagued with guilt ? I've been able to laugh a little and have certainly had the discussion with B about not putting anything in his mouth other than food. But deep down it makes me sad to think about the situation. So if anyone wants to share any horrible parenting moments with me so that I don't feel like at any second my parenting license should be revoked I'm all for it.
And with that, I'll return tomorrow less guilt ridden (hopefully) and out of the depths of despair and will treat you to a meme Badoozie tagged me for a while back in which I'll showcase all of the randomness that makes me fabulous.
And I might even share some of my Vegas escapades.
So...Y'all come back now y'hear!
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20 comments:
Oh, WM. I'm so sorry. We moms are plenty good at guilt, aren't we? It's okay, of course. None of it was your fault and it's all resolved now. Still, I know that it takes more than that to appease a momma's soul. Sigh. you poor thing.
Wow. That's horrible. Poor B (aka 50 cent), I hope he wasn't too upset about it. I can't believe the nurse said that. I hope you told the pediatrician what happened and what the nurse said.
Awwww, hugs to mama! This whole mom gig has to be so darn tough!
Horrible parenting stories: I lost my son at the park once. No, not like he's just disappeared for a minute, I'm talking an 8 mom search party helping me find him.
I went against my instincts that were screaming one time and let an ignorant ped mess with my 4 month old baby's foreskin. She made it get inflamed and swollen and very painful. And I didn't tell her to stop because "she's a doctor" and who am I to slap her hand away.
We all have doubts about our mad parenting skillz....
I am in the 'fitty cent' mode here...Desparately digging for a giggle from you!!!!
I hope you feel better and tell yourself you are a fantastic mamma...And B knows that!
It happens to the *best* parents...even those who seem to have it all together and always know what they're doing...even some things slip by them.
You have something to be thankful for in the end - your healthy B...and a lesson learned.
I'll come back when I can think of a really GOOD story to make you feel better! ;) I knw I have one!
I hate to break it to you, but it probably isn't the last time you'll let one of your kids down. I know that regret you wrote about, and as far as I can figure, there is no way to avoid doing regrettable things as a parent. This is the one area that it sucks most to not be perfect. But yes, if you do things right, not necessarily perfect, all the regrettable mistakes made while parenting are overshadowed by love, both given and received.
You are a GREAT mama!
Kids are so resilient...and now he has a really cool story to tell from now on. Your post shows just what an awesome mom you are!
I'm sorry you went through this. Thankfully it was a good lesson learned (for everyone) with a very good outcome.
Last year my 2 year old daughter cut my 6 month old baby's lip in half with craft scissors. It's a long, long story about how it came about, but he ended up getting stitched up by a plastic surgeon. I was interviewed by a CPS social worker. Enough said. I've had my parenting low moment and hope to never experience one as low again.
I feel your pain!
The day after I came home from the hospital with Junior Mayhem I rolled him off the couch onto the floor. I decided that I felt fine and needed to do some things around the house. All I remember was sitting down on the couch, holding him....then I woke up to him SCREAMING on the floor. All I could think was "shaken baby syndrome"....why...I am not quite sure..since I did not shake him...but I did roll my newborn off the couch! That's just good parenting!
Feel better?
Yes, we all kick ourselves for not being advocates for our children with the folks in white coats. Here in the Netherlands they are reluctant to give antibiotics to treat ear infections in children. So I had to deal with a toddler with a burst eardrum. I cannot imagine the pain she went through, though I have tortured myself many times with the thought of it. And later when we discovered she had some loss of hearing in one ear, I knew it was my fault for not fighting harder. (Sigh) I hope there is no lasting damage to "50 cent" and that your soul recovers soon from the ordeal.
I obviously have no stories of my own kids, but once, when I was about 5- me and a couple of neighbor kids took one of the wheels off of the neighbor kid's wagon- just to be mean. One of the bigger bullies then threw it into the busy street in front of our house.
The little boy who's wagon it was started crying and I felt bad.
My mom had gone into the house for a few minutes, so I saw my chance to redeem myself. I ran into the street without looking and proceeded to nearly get hit by 3 cars. My Mom walked outside just in time to see a big sedan come to a screeching halt about a foot from me.
She cried all day because she blamed herself.
It wasn't her fault.
Quit beating yourself up. Kids do stuff like this.
I'm sure you're a fabulous mom.
I can't find your email, so I have to paste in the ebay link
((WM)) Being a mom is tough..the toughest job we will ever have.
Don't beat yourself up! Think about how less exciting life would be if our kids didn't swallow quarters, get lost in parks, and all of the other crazy things that will happen. ;)
The important thing is that he is ok and healthy.
Glad you are back! Missed ya! *mwuah*
No one mentioned all the guilt that comes with motherhood when we signed up. Hugs to you.
Mother Guilt is a bitch, isn't she? I suffer from it plenty myself.
Thank you all so much. Especially those that shared their stories.
I can't tell you how much your support means. I have the best bloggy pals ever!
All right, I just wrote a post about the lip-cutting incident, the memories of which were triggered by your own little fitty cent.
I just found you through Jennifer (aka Binky Bitch) So sorry about your son! At least all is well now!!! Great blog!
I watched as my son fell off a bed onto his head (on a wood floor) once- I couldn't get there fast enough. He was/is fine. We were at a wedding.... the scream DID draw a crowd. :)
Ally- I'm headed over to read it now.
Jennie - Thanks, glad you stopped by - glad both our sons are doing better !
Cherann- No ,I haven't said anything to our Pediatrician. I been toying with that quite a bit. I can't remember the nurse's name that I talked to on the phone but perhaps it will be in my sons chart. Our pediatrician missed the quarters in the throat to when I took him Saturday morning. The whole thing kind of makes me want to switch providers. :(
Mama guilt is hard to overcome. We've all be there.
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