I'm sure that must have been what my little boy was thinking just before he ingested the smooth, shiny temptations.
I typed out the story of my son's ordeal and then deleted it.
I wanted to share it. In fact, I wanted to write it down in hopes that it would be therapeutic. In hopes that it would help me forgive myself for the fact that I let a nurse convince me that B hadn't swallowed quarters. You see he briefly mentioned something about a quarter to my mom when the original episode happened. Seconds later when she asked if he swallowed a quarter he said "No". Upon calling the Dr's office I was told "The fact that he's vomitting and able to speak tells me that he didn't swallow a quarter".
I regret trusting those words, I regret not trusting my little boy, I regret not immediately bringing him to the ER. I regret that he was miserable during those few days we thought that it was a stomach virus with sore throat as told to us by our pediatrician. I regret that I was on an airplane and not with my child when he had that scary procedure to retrieve the quarters. I regret so much.
I've re-lived the event in my head several times and all I see is my little boy miserable , unable to eat, speak or drink while the quarters were lodged in his throat and we didn't know.
But for as much as I've felt like a horrible parent over these last few days there's this little boy that still loves me, that has the most infectious laugh, brilliant smile ,sharp wit and he's healthy and I get the pleasure of being his mom.
So I know I have to focus on that and not would of , should've and could have. I have to focus on the present... but I can't forget the past.
I will be vigilant in his healthcare and I will listen to what he says and most importantly I won't automatically trust what a health care professional says just because he/she is a health care professional.
I'm sorry, B, mommy won't ever let you down like that again.
Can you tell I've been absolutely plagued with guilt ? I've been able to laugh a little and have certainly had the discussion with B about not putting anything in his mouth other than food. But deep down it makes me sad to think about the situation. So if anyone wants to share any horrible parenting moments with me so that I don't feel like at any second my parenting license should be revoked I'm all for it.
And with that, I'll return tomorrow less guilt ridden (hopefully) and out of the depths of despair and will treat you to a meme Badoozie tagged me for a while back in which I'll showcase all of the randomness that makes me fabulous.
And I might even share some of my Vegas escapades.
So...Y'all come back now y'hear!