The Reality is that I'm getting Old

Sadly, I can't party like I use to. Life is different now.

In my early 20's I was in better physical shape, I had no kids, a job that I didn't care much about and a small apartment that I lived in by myself so who cared if clothes were strewn everywhere.

Now I have a husband, 4 kids, a career, a house to maintain and a crazy schizophrenic mutt - all things that require full Worker Mommy attention.

But try as I must, I just can't turn down girls night.

One of my best girlfriends emailed a week or so ago and said her hubby was going out of town. She invited me and a few of the gals over for dinner and maybe a cocktail or two at her 5 zillion square foot house right on a golf course.

Seriously, who in their right mind would decline that invite ?

I was excited and readily agreed and told hubby well in advance that he'd be on twin detail by himself that night.

I had a bit of trouble getting out of the house because B & J of course wanted to come with, hubby couldn't figure out what to cook for dinner so I had to do it but once I escaped it was like The Gods started singing.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah.

Let me tell you I had the best time - good girl talk, good food , good times.

Only I think I let the good times roll a little bit too much.

Several glasses of champagne (yes we were seriously celebrating)and multiple rounds of Taboo later I realized I was quite tipsy.

Oops!

We all stayed very late to sober our asses up ensure we all got home safely but here's the thing : the next day I was no good to anyone.

At 21, I would have been ready for a little of the "hair of the dog that bit ya" medicine and then been raring to go.

Not now. I was a useless lump on Sunday.

Well, I did manage to get up and fix breakfast. But it was cereal.

I did manage to entertain the kids (with a dvd while I laid on the couch).

and I did manage to cook dinner ( it was Hamburger Helper).

So what did I learn from all of this ?

I just can't hang.

I need to realize that I ain't the party gal I used to be.

Maybe "girls night" finally needs to cease. Maybe the 34 year old me just needs to hang it up. Maybe its the end of an era.

Well, either that

or

Next time, I need to send the kids to Grandma's for the day so that I can properly nurse my hangover.

Yeah, thats the ticket !

This Parenting thing is kinda' hard sometimes

I think one of my favorite places to cuss like a sailor is in the car. Its not that I get in the car and just start letting the expletives fly but it just so happens that nothing pisses me off more than people who can't drive, drive way too fast in a residential area and just generally jeopardize mine and my families safety with their lack of driving prowess.

This morning as we headed to FMCP's house this car pulled out in front of me, travelled for about a milimeter and then slammed on the brakes because the driver decided he/she needed to make an immediate left turn. That slick move forced me to slam on my brakes( Although this time the kids were sufficiently buckled in and we didn't have any mishaps.)

I think "son-of a bitch" were the choice words I used this morning.

"What did you say,Mom?" B & J stopped talking with one another to ask in unison.

Now I wasn't necessarily loud with my exclamation but for some reason regardless of how much talking and giggling is going on in the backseat they manage to hear whatever potty mouthed thing I might say.

I try really hard not to cuss in front of the twins and have been relatively successful but this morning the words just tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Nothing, guys" I say in hopes that they didn't hear me.

"Did you say son-of-a bitch?"

So I had to tell them that mommy said something she shouldn't have because the car in front of us did something not so smart and that I was sorry for saying a bad word.

"Well that's ok, Mommy" J said.

But here's the thing, I know that she wasn't just assuaging my guilt she in essence was "ok'ing" the use of the word for herself.

She may not use it today or tomorrow or even a week from now but she or her brother will use it.

A little background: On TomGirl's birthday a friend of mine bought her an explicit lyric CD on accident. My friend's husband put the CD in before I got wind of it and next thing I know Akon (who I don't particularly care for anyway but that's not the point) is singing loudly "I want to F*ck you" instead of "I want to love you".
I couldn't get to the CD player fast enough to rip that cd out of there.

This incident happened back in early March mind you but last night when I was putting the twins to bed J started singing "I want to fuff you".
Thank the Lord she hadn't heard the "real" word - but seriously any tween, teen or adult would know what she was trying to say.

And if she says it in front of somebody I'm done for.

I had to think quickly and say that the song was about fluffing pillows and changed the lyrics to I want to fluff the pillows and that seemed to satisfy her.

For now.

One day I know I'll hear something like I wanna fuff you son-of-a bitch and then I might as well hang it up.

They'll probably put me under the jail.

Really, I can't say I'd blame them.

The Name of the Game - To Change or Not to Change?

Sorry for the terribly long post yesterday folks. I'll try and keep it brief today so as not to be all long winded and windbaggy and scare you in to never coming back.

Because I'd certainly miss you so!

So stick with me for a little bit, this could be interesting.

I work in an environment with many individuals with advanced degrees; many of whom are published. Most of the married females published before they were married and are recognized in their field under their maiden names. Thus they have chosen not to take their husbands last name.

Or maybe it goes deeper than that.

In talking with a male co-worker yesterday that was recently married to a recently divorced woman (did you get all that?) he mentioned that she needed to change her last name. I assumed that he meant to his last name but he said no he really didn't care whether she assumed his surname or not but that she absolutely could not have another man's name. He said in fact that he'd rather her change back to her maiden name. I understand the reasoning behind not wanting a wife with another man's name but because she has kids with that last name she is hesitant to change her name at all. When I asked him how he felt about that he made it clear that he has issues with women changing their last names at all.

He and I have had this debate before "Why do you do it?" He asks " I think its an antiquated, outdated practice and there really isn't any reason for it"

By "you" , he's not only referring to me specifically but all women...as if I could answer that.

I didn't have any hard and fast belief that I had to take hubby's last name. In fact I rather liked my maiden name. After all I'd had it for 28 years prior to marrying him but because I loved him and because it meant something to him that I take his name I did so.

Beyond that I know my name does not define me thus whether I chose to keep my maiden name or change it ultimately did not matter.

So what about you ? How'd you play "the game" ? Where do you stand ?

Girl Meets Boy

Because I briefly mentioned TomGirl and her boyfriend yesterday, I feel I must tell you how it all went down - you know how I found out the dirt on the bf.

I knew it was bound to happen. She'd already began to physically mature and as I began to hear the signs - referring to every young male celebrity as "hot" over the last several months - I knew it wouldn't be long before she'd find someone a little bit more local to crush on or worse yet get in to a relationship with.

So each weekend when I'd see her I'd ask the question. "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" to which she'd always reply "No" or "Whatever".

After getting the same response time after time I had to get a little more clever in how I asked the question. Like, "So what's your boyfriend up to this weekend?"

Now I know my stepdaughter's not stupid and clearly rephrasing the question won't all of the sudden confuse her so much that she'd spill the beans on whether or not she actually had a boyfriend. But I figured by changing it up a bit - the question might be unexpected and thus catch her off guard.

And as luck would have it - this weekend it did.

"Where did you get that?" I asked when I spied a bracelet sticking out from under her John Cena sweatbands .

"I don't know where I got this"

"Did your boyfriend get it for you?"

"Whatever" she began to say but then she turned her head and laughed and I knew it.

"I knew it," I said "Spill it, who is he , how old is he, who does he hang out with ".... the questions just flew.

Suprisingly she answered every question and after I got the important questions answered like "Is he cute?" I asked it. You know, the question.

"So have you guys kissed ?"

"Eww " she said

Now I was the one saying "Whatever". I mean really, I wasn't 14 all that long ago.

After going through a bit of back and forth "You two have kissed I know it"

"No we haven't"

"Yes you have" (hey, what can I say I'm just mature like that).

She finally says "If you don't believe me you can call him and ask him"

"Ok" I said in my best dont-dare-me voice "What's his number ?"

She rattles off the number and I head towards the phone trying to scare her into thinking I was going to call him. Really I had no intention of doing it.

"I'll do it", GPT who had recently entered the room stood up and said.

Next thing I know GPT was calling him.

TomGirl snatches the phone and after a brief "Hey, whats up" she says "Tell my mom we haven't kissed" and hands the phone to me.

"Who's this ?" I say pretending to be the mean step-mom.

BF tells me his name.

"Are you treating my step-daughter well?" I ask and in all his teenage boy wisdom he says "I guess so"

(I guess so...uhh, great pick TomGirl)

" Um,she wants me to tell you I haven't tried to kiss her" he says.

" Right, she wants you to tell me that, but is that the truth?" I ask

Before he could answer, I said "Nevermind, I'm just messing with her - but you better not have kissed her" and quickly hand the phone back to TomGirl.

I stopped him before he could respond because really, what the hell was I going to do with that information once I had it. After trying to get the goods for so long, I kind of realized I didn't really want them. I secretly wanted to believe my 14 year old stepdaughter was that same little girl who wanted to run around and fix cars with her dad and didn't have another care in the world - let alone have a boyfriend whom she might actually kiss one day .

TomGirl ended the phone call with the BF and immediately flipped out "OMG, OMG, I can't believe we just did that".

I'm laughing and high fiving GPT because seriously GPT could get away with calling the BF because she was the "pesky" younger sister. I on the other hand might have gone on information lockout if I would have wrecked this one chance at handling the information TomGirl choose to share with me by calling and embarassing her in front of her BF.

The next day TomGirl texts me from school and says things were fine and that BF wasn't bugged by the call.

"Cool, now you can go back to hanging out and smooching" I say just to tease her when I call her back (because what fun is being a parent if you can't tease your kid).

"Gross, why do you keep saying that ? I told you we haven't kissed and I don't want to kiss anybody"

"Then what do you do ?"

"Usually go outside and play basketball"

Aww good old TomGirl- there's the girl I know and love.

All is right with the world once again.

Feelin a little Guilty - The Confession

Yesterday, I took a "mental health day" from work. I simply called in sick and spent a sun shiny day at home with the kids doing nothing but playing and laughing and just enjoying them (I wish I could turn that job in to a full time gig).

You'd think that I would have come in to work rejuvenated. But no. I'm feeling kind of surly today. Mainly, because I'm here at work. I enjoy what I do (and the company I do it for) but generally I don't enjoy the fact that I have to work.

I hit this point at some time each year. I just get burnt out. I get tired.
I constantly dream about winning the lottery and having the luxury of choosing whether or not I get up each day and face the grind.

In the past when this has happened, I'd go home each night and vent to hubby. "Oh no" he'd say fearing I might just up and quit but as I am a little over one month shy of my five year anniversary with this company they must be doing something right to prevent me from running for the hills. I guess there are some perks that I haven't had at other jobs. Its a small, fairly laid back company . My boss, with whom I get along very well, has a toddler only one year younger than the twins so she gets it . I make a decent salary, I have my own office so I can blog and not get caught which is truly what its all about and have a fair amount of schedule flexibility.

So why am I feeling this way ?

Because time flies and I don't want to miss a thing. The twins are soon to be four and next year they will start kindergarten. TomGirl already has a "boyfriend" (well sort of - she's not allowed to go out on dates yet but they've established that they like one another, he's given her a bracelet and they talk on the phone constantly). She's 14 now and pretty soon she'll be driving, going out on dates and everything else that goes along with being a teenager. GPT is a talented singer and wants to try out for American Idol in a couple of years. Being a part of these things is the way I want to spend my time. Not behind a desk.

I try and capitalize on the moments I do have and maximize the "free time" I get but sometimes two days just doesn't cut it! I mean when do I get to catch a break?

Sometimes in life we just need to make our own breaks. So I took an impromptu day off and lied about why I wasn't coming in to the office and dammit I will not feel guilty about it !!!

Ok, there I got it all out.

It felt good to confess - but now I'm worried.

Could the wrong internet search by an employee of my company lead them to my blog and cause me to wind up like this?

Gah, I really can't catch a break can I?

Way to build up Mommy's Self Esteem

This weekend as I went to put a DVD in for the kids my son says "Mom,are you gonna lose that?"

"What I ask?"

"Your big ol butt" he says.

Now a little background: my mom took the twins to a doctors appointment in which they hooked up leads to her stomach and chest. During the course of the appointment in true "kids say the darndest things" fashion B asks "Grandma why is your belly so big?" My mom thought the best approach was just to be straight up and tell B that "Grandma eats too much junk food but she really needs to loose her big ol' belly"

So, I guess when B. saw Mommy's gargantuan gluteus he felt he needed to inquire as to whether I ,like his grandma, was going to loose that "big 'ol thing"

"I can't loose it" I said knowing that even if I did drop a few pounds I'd still be one of those women Sir Mix a Lot was rappin' about.

"Besides" I add " I kind of like my booty and I think Daddy does too"

Whose kid is this I start to think and where did he get the idea that if its smaller its better. I gotta teach this kid a few things. I mean hell, its good to be bootylicious. Besides he took after mommy's side of the family and he's got a little bit of "back" himself.

So later that night I'm relaying the story to hubby because part of me thought it was funny and then the other part of me needed some affirmation.

Hubby kind of chuckles and asks B if he said that to Mommy.

"Yeah" he says, "but her doesn't gotta loose it"

Aww, I think he's learning. Thats all I can ask for right ?

then

"but her does got a big 'ol booty and it needs to be little"

Lord, I give up!

OMG

Now I half considered posting about Alec Baldwin and what an assclown he is but as that subject is being discussed everywhere I figured I wouldn't bore you with my feelings about his parenting skills (or lack thereof - oops I just did discuss him didn't I ?)

Moving right along...

Have you seen this yet ?



True Mom Confessions

All I can say is OMG, OMG,OMG. These confessions have taken me through every emotion on the spectrum. I keep going back to see what juicy little tidbits will be posted next. I'm quickly becoming addicted.

In honor of this site, I'll post my own confession here - leave one in the comments if you dare.

I blog and catch up on my favorite blogs when I should be working.

(ha- like you didn't know that already...alright I'm sorry cheesy confession I know)

If you want juicier...head on over there and check it out.

I wish you all the best of weekends! Maybe I'll have something juicier to confess on Monday.

Mwah,

Worker Mommy

You like me...You really like me

Yes I know that phrase is cheesy and way overused but its kind of how I feel at this point after being nominated for this (which I'm not sure I truly deserve)


Although I am but a baby in the blogoshpere, Brillig the brilliant, wordly, charming woman that she is thought highly enough of me to bestow upon me this honor. If I could turn around and nominate her I would absolutely do so as she is an eloquent, passionate blogger and a must read for me.

But here goes - and this was a challenge for me as I attempt to spread my wings and learn more about all the talented bloggers out there.

The Instructions:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of this award.
3. Optional: Proudly display the “Thinking Blogger Award” (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog.)

The Nominees:

1)Suburban Turmoil :Lindsay over at Suburban Turmoil is a a very talented, astute blogger that writes with flare. I found her through a Google Search for Dora (The Explorer) Twisty Puzzles of all things and spent the rest of the day reading her archives. Besides the fact that we share some similarities (step-parenting teens) I simply enjoy checking her out to see what thought provoking topic she might post next or what she might post to cause to me laugh out loud. She is seriously a hoot.

2)Rock Star Mommy She cusses like a sailor and even posted about it but I absolutely love her. She is frank ,honest and quite humorous (or for you rsm, shall I say funnier than sh*t)- all things I absolutely appreciate.

3)Crazy and In Charge I'm loving her more and more each day. She's real, she's candid and secretly I want to live her life after this post

4)Redneck Mommy Simply brilliant. She's smart,sassy and honest and truly I'd love to just spend the day hanging with her.

5)The Butrflygarden - Yes I know Brillig already nominated her but honestly she's deserving of multiple Thinking Blogger Awards. I did a double take when I saw her age because at only 24 she's wise beyond her years. She's sensitive and compassionate and I'll always have a soft spot for her because she was the first to comment on my blog

(note to non-blogging friends that are reading but not commenting: I'm really needy so uh...could you comment every now and then? K, thanks !)

What you should have said was...

Someone please tell me why others feel its ok to say "You look tired!"

I mean what the hell are they really trying to accomplish with that statement?

Yesterday, a co-worker walked in to my office to ask a question and as I researched her answer there was a bit of silence.

The silence must have been way too much for her to take because she felt compelled to fill it with "You look really tired."

What am I supposed to say to that ?

"Thank you, yes I know I look like death warmed over right now I appreciate you noticing"

Now I was tempted to kick her ass out of my office, but because I believe in playing nice with others I've outlined some alternative statements below.

If you feel you simply can not go on unless you tell your co-worker/friend/mother/sister/hubby etc they look tired please choose from the list below:

A) " You look tired" and then follow it up with something like "Why don't I watch the kids and clean your house so you can take a nap."

Or B)

"You look tired," followed by "Here's a gift certificate to a Day Spa"

or better yet

C) "You look tired, here's a voucher for an all inclusive Caribbean Vacation for you and your family"


Yes, definitely better options.Aah, doesn't everyone feel better now.

How to Keep your Man Happy

Ladies, Is your husband/boyfriend unhappy?

It may be that you're not spanking him enough. According to an Australian study men are happier when spanked.

Believe it! Men into BDSM scored significantly better on a scale of psychological wellbeing than other men.

Well,I'll be darned, I've been neglecting my duties as hubby's life partner and not doing everything within my power to make sure he is sublimely happy. Gosh, I better get on the ball gag.

Seriously though, check out the article . I've taken things out of context so as to be able to present it to you the way in which I heard it this morning on the radio station I often listen to. They left out a few crucial details of the study and its ultimate purpose - so I Googled it to determine if it was an authentic study or a hoax.

So much for responsible reporting.

I guess if I really wanted responsible reporting I certainly wouldn't be listening to an entertainment station that refers to its on air personalities as the dysfunctional family and counts as its most popular on air bit a contest in which contestants confess their deepest darkest sins for a chance to compete against other sinners for a trip to Vegas and $10K.

Well, I have to have something to keep me entertained on my long ass commute to work.

...And this was Only the Beginning of my Weekend

I was looking forward to a quiet Friday night.

Hubby was planning to have guys night out and once he put the twins to bed I was fully planning on enjoying well, me. (It's so rare that I get time to myself).

So I settled in on the couch and started my countdown to "me time". I began to daydream about how I might give myself a pedicure, catch up on some reading, take a bubble bath and enjoy a nice glass of wine when hubby appeared freshly showered and clad only in a towel.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready?" I ask. "I will" he says "but I'm not in a hurry" he says in that voice (you know the one).

Then he pounced.

"Hubby " I say "the kids are probably not asleep yet".

"Thats ok , we always hear them " he says trying to get back to the matters at hand but pulls the cover up over us anyway.

So we busy ourselves with a little grab ass, when all of the sudden J is downstairs right in front of the couch.

We didn't even notice her until she spoke.

"Mommy, Daddy B. swallowed a rock! " she exclaimed.

"What ? " We questioned in unison. I'm quickly trying to untangle myself from hubby and find something to cover up with so I can dash upstairs and investigate.

I run up the stairs holding only my pajama top in front of me and manage to slip it over my head while climbing the stairs. I arrive in their room and B. is sitting on the bed wide eyed.

"Did you eat a rock ?" I ask as I check him over. "Yep" he says casually.

J finds a similiar "rock" to show me an example of what he swallowed which is a more like a marble and near as I can figure it is from a small fish tank that we had years ago. How on earth it resurfaced I'll never know.

"Why ?" I question "Honey, you know we only put food in our mouth"

"Yep" he said. Quickly realizing I'm not getting anywhere with this conversation I pick him up and head to the phone to call poison control (now looking back on it I'm not sure why I chose to call them rather than the doctors office but...I digress).

I'm in panic mode and hubby tells me not to worry that B will pass the "rock" within a few days and he'll be fine.

"I would just like to call Poison Control to be sure" I said.

B who's been very calm this whole time starts to cry and says "No, Mommy, I don't want you to call the Police."

Poor thing, he must have thought I said I was going to call the Police.

As I dialed Poison Control, I told him I wasn't calling the police I was calling the Poison Center to find out what to do next.

He calmed down and I completed my call with the Poison Center and it was as hubby stated. The rock should pass within 3-4 days. If not she suggested I call his pediatrician as they may want to do an X-ray but as he's generally a healthy kid he shouldn't experience any problems as a result of his appetite for marbles.

So now we are on "Poop Watch" which J thinks is hilarious.
She got upset when I told her the "Poison People" weren't coming to our house because they didn't need to but was rather amused when I told her that the rock would simply come out when B. went potty.

"You mean it will come out of his booty ?" She asked and then proceeded to crack up.

"I know there has been a lot of excitement but lets calm down and get back in bed" I say ushering her and B in the direction of their room.

After tucking the kids back in to bed, I head downstairs to start planning "me" night. Hubby is on his way out the door and I'm excitedly thinking it's really going to happen.

Only once he left, all I could think about was B. and while I know there was nothing I could do about that little "rock" laying in his tummy I began to worry. So I went back upstairs and brought him and his blankie to the couch so I could keep a watchful eye on him.

Since plans to party solo had crashed and burned I figured I might as well catch up on some household duties.

Laundry seemed to be the most low maintenance task and would allow me keep an eye on B and maybe watch a little tv.

I grabbed some of my dainties and put them in the wash and again settled on the couch. I barely made it through that short load of laundry.

Grab Ass and rock swallowing wore me out.

I quickly folded some panties and set them on the arm of the couch intent on taking them upstairs to put them away after I rested for a bit.

Next thing I know hubby is home and telling me "Honey, Thomas is here. He couldn't drive home so I thought I'd let him crash on the couch."

I mumble an expletive and grab B and head upstairs to bed.

I awoke the next morning to the front door shutting. I looked at the clock and it was about 7:00 a.m. Hubby's buddy had left and thus I could go downstairs bed head and all.

Thats when I remembered I'd left my panties on the arm of the couch.

Slightly embarassed I went downstairs to retrieve them but they were no where in site. I searched under the couch, the couch cushions the blanket and everywhere else in the vicinity.

Hubby, I run upstairs to wake him up. "I think Thomas took my panties".

"Naw-uh" he says groggily.

"Uh-uh" I didn't want to believe it either but they were nowhere to be found.

"Really ?" hubby sits up in bed.

"I'm pretty sure."

Here's the clincher - this particular friend of hubby's calls way too much only he hasn't called in the last few days. Coincidence ? I think not.

Uh Yuck !

Now I'm not sure what to be more upset about.

The fact that hubby's friend is a total perv or the fact that the pair of panties he took was my favorite pair.

And that was how I spent the beginning of my weekend.

More to Come...

Please come back tomorrow as I have tales of being interrupted during the act, rock-eating and panty-stealing to share.

Alas, I've had to prioritize. While I think blogging should be number one on the to- do list, Uncle Sam probably thinks otherwise.

Stay tuned !

My Favorite Sound....Not

There is nothing like that first smile you get from your child or that first hug or that first time they say "I love you , Mommy" to send you soaring on cloud nine.

Truly does it get any better than that?

Oh,their little voices are just so precious and wonderful...until they learn how to whine.

Really, I don't think B & J actually talk much anymore.

"Use your big girl or big boy voice," I find myself saying often. Or "Mommy can't understand you when you whine " hoping desperately that they'll stop before I need a padded cell.

When I woke them up from their nap today it began almost immediately " Mommy, I'm cold" whines J (who just had to change in to her sleeveless nightgown for her nap).
"Mommy, I want something to eat" whines B.

There it was ...whining in stereo. I mean maybe I can handle one whiner at a time but when they both start in I seriously want to run from the house with my hands over my ears screaming!

I try my best to retain my composure and let them know that I'm ready to attend to their needs as soon as they stop whining.

But still groggy from their naps, they just weren't getting it.

Deep breaths I thought. You've handled whiny adults in employee relations issues at work - you can surely handle this. You're a champ, I say giving myself a little pep talk.

Then they start fighting with each other because... well why not. I mean they might as well go full force with the campaign to send mommy to the loony bin.

"B & J please go in your play room and play " I say firmly buying some time before the men in white coats come.

And off they went. Aah, crisis averted I'm thinking.

Until they started to fight over toys and then come out and whine to me about how awful the other one was being.

Exasperated, I sent us all to seperate ends of the house to give us a little time to chill out and regroup.

As I'm sitting here in my little self imposed time out I think that I've found the secret to getting confessions out of accused criminals. No beating necessary. Nah, they are going the wrong route with that tactic.

All they need to do is simply have the police officers and investigators start whining.

Yeah, that would surely do it and I'm just certain B & J could provide guidance on proper techniques.

Do I Really Want to be Famous for This ?

When I found out I was pregnant with two babies instead of one I knew that my days of breeding were over with this sole pregnancy.

Thus I decided to capture it on film and a la Demi Moore I bared it all in the name of art .

So after the ego deflating moment I had yesterday I was pleased to come in to an email from the maternity photographer, Jennifer Loomis. She'd be premiering some of her work at a Mother's Day Celebration at a "shi shi" maternity store the email said and asked my consent to use one of my photos.

I was instantly flattered and quickly emailed them back to let them know I'd be honored to have them use one of the images.

Only now I can't stop looking at it.

Ha, look at that big old belly! Do I really want this to be my claim to fame ?

Lookin' Good

Having taken the day off today I didn't have to get up in the rushed fashion I normally do.

So I took my time getting myself ready and when complete I stood back and admired the finished product. Not half bad I thought...and I might actually even look stylish today.

Just as I finished, B brought his shoes to me to help tie. "Of course, honey" I say still on a little mini-high because I was lookin' cute today and not frumpy as I often do when I have to get up at O ' dark thirty to get ready for work.

So I bent down to help B. tie his shoe . Seconds later J. chimes in with "Mommy, I see your butt" and begins to giggle hysterically.

"I know, honey, Mommy's jeans alway seem to do that when I bend down " I said as I tried to pull my shirt down further than it would realistically go.

I hurriedly returned to tying B's shoes so I could rise from the "offensive" position . But I wasn't quick enough.

"Mommy, I see your butt again" she says

then

"And it looks funny. B " she says "Come see Mommy's butt"

Queue record scratching sound .

"Ok, Ok, " I said hopping up off the floor and hiking up my lo rider jeans. I thought better of asking J. why my butt was funny. Because as we all know preschoolers are brutally honest.

I headed for the door feeling a little deflated. Nothing like a little preschooler honesty to bring you back to reality.

Uggh, Know-it-all-Moms...Is there Anything Worse?

Shortly after joining a club for moms of multiples I began receiving calls from her.
At the time she handled the birth announcements for the club and she contacted me to find out when I was due.

Initially it was nice, she checked in on my progress while pregnant and made me laugh. She also was a great source of information and lived nearby so as I was new to this mom of twins thing I appreciated hearing from someone who had "been there and done that."

Until it got to be too much.

I don't know when it changed exactly. Maybe it was when she tried to compete with me on whose pregnancy was more high risk. Upon telling her that I had to have a cervical cerclage and had been put on bedrest indefinitely she said:

" I had to have two cerclages"

Not "Really, what a bummer!" or "Really, I know what thats like and I feel for you"

Yep, I think it was right around that point that I stopped enjoying taking her calls.

Inevitably the conversations always turned around to her and what she did during her pregnancy and with her twins and somehow she always made it seem like whatever it was it was the thing to do.

"You know," she'd say "Perfect and Ultra Perfect are in the water babies class and they are doing so great. "

Only it was never an update. It was bragging and it was annoying.

I quickly developed a love/hate relationship with her. She had been a member of the club for some time and I loved that she was quick to answer my questions about where certain things were or who gave discounts to twins parents etc but I hated that in order to get those answers I had to listen to her perfect parenting tactics and how Perfect and Ultra Perfect were just exceling because of them.

What to do ? I didn't want to piss her off so that the fountain of information would dry up but I did want to minimize the times I had to hear about P & UP and all the extracurricular activities they were in and how truly perfect they were.

As luck would have it, as I got more comfortable with the mother of multiples thing I realized I needed her less .

When I returned to work I experienced different challenges which led me to want to reach out to other working mothers of twins and multiples but that portion of our group had been defunct for some time.

I knew she was a working mom, but this time rather than contacting her I posted to our group's message board. I posted that I wanted to volunteer to coordinate one event and then ideally have it be a shared duty between us working moms. What I didn't think about was that she reads every post and always has the answer to everything.

I think you should coordinate the group she said.

Somehow I let her convince me that I should be the only coordinator for this group .

So I've been coordinating this group for just under a year now and while its been nice to connect with other working moms of multiples I know what her true plan was. She wanted me to run it in name only and she would then send me email after email about how the Working Moms Group should really be run.

Like this morning. I just got this email from her:

When you have a chance, please add the Working Moms lunch to the Events page at www.im-a-bossy-beyotch.com - I know that lots of people look at this page. You might also want to consider sending out an e-mail on the e-mail tree - you will probably find some new moms who want to join the Working Moms group.

Ok, ok, maybe it sounds harmless to you but on the heels of this:

So whats happening with the Moms luncheon. Did you not schedule one for April ?

and this:

I can't make the March event at the Wine Tasting Place. You might want to re think scheduling events on Fridays because they will probably be poorly attended .

I've had it.

I think I'm going to send her an email:

Dear She-Devil,

Thank you for the many emails you have sent over the last couple of months regarding our Working Moms Group. After thoughtful consideration, I have decided to resign my position as the Working Moms Group Coordinator. Clearly you are a better Working Moms Group Coordinator than I. I know its a big job but from what you've said about your girls Perfect and Ultra Perfect they are so advanced I'm sure they'd be just perfect at helping you schedule and coordinate events.

Best,
Me

Nothing like a little Easter Rage

I wasn't so subtle when TomGirl started um... maturing.

It was about 2 years ago that we sat side by side on my bed talking. About halfway into our conversation I noticed them. The funny thing is I only noticed them because she was wearing a pink shirt and TomGirl has always told us she despises pink.

Before I could stop myself I said "Whoa, where did those come from?" (yes I know,I told you I was subtle).

In my defense, I've known TomGirl most of her life (I met hubby when she was 3) and here she was literally growing up before my eyes. I had just seen her a mere two weeks before and I swear she hadn't uhh matured at that point and TomGirl and I have always shared a close relationship so I guess I was, err, a little suprised by the fact that I hadn't noticed my little girl was turning in to a woman.

Hubby came in to the room just as I made said comment and he gently reminded me that I was a dumbass she probably didn't want that kind of attention brought to her changing body.

Since my brilliant comments at the beginning of TomGirl's transition to womanhood I've tried to be much more sensitive to her needs as a young woman .

So late Friday night when she woke me up to tell me she needed some feminine hygiene products I was happy to take her to the store.

"I hope there is a female at the checkstand" she said as we walked to the car.

I chuckled and said "I know, when I was your age I used to be deathly afraid that a man would actually ring up my pads but I'm sure they see that kind of thing every day and don't care too much."

But I made sure we found a female cashier anyway.

The following morning we all enjoyed our Easter festivities and everyone was in great spirits... until the evening.

Thats when it happened.

"WHERE ARE MY CD'S ?" Tomgirl yells at her younger sister GPT.

GPT mumbles something and TomGirl fires back "GAWD , YOU LOSE EVERYTHING, I HATE YOU."

What tha ? That came out of nowhere.

Oh yes, the hormones I thought. Got it. I'll have her apologize to GPT and then we'll go on about our business.

10 minutes later. "GPT YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR TOO LONG, GET OFF. GAWD YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT"

Feeling awful for GPT and not wanting to listen to the drama all night long I said "TomGirl can you cut her some slack you've been on her all night"

"WELL SHE'S SUCH A PEST I CAN'T STAND HER"

"Calm down" I say

Talking a mile a minute TomGirl says "WELL SHE IS...YOU SHOULD SEE HER WHEN WE'RE NOT HERE SHE'S ALWAYS IN MY THINGS AND DRIVING ME NUTS."

She rages for a bit longer and then finally just gave up and went to her room frustrated with us all.

So it ended. Or so I thought.

It began again mid-afternoon Sunday. The crazed , raging, hormonal teen whom no amount of rational coversation could derail from her hormonal warpath.

I have to say I think my oldest stepdaughter is truly one of the coolest kids ever but it got to the point where I wanted to be anywhere she was not.

Sunday night when Hubby returned from taking the girls home he had stories of how TomGirl started again with her sister giving her an emotional beatdown the whole way home and when he intervened the beast was unleashed all over him.

"Good God," I said "Am I this bad?"

"You're worse" he said and then added "Just kidding" (ahh hubby...he missed his calling as a comedian)

Wow, I thought admitting there might be a modicum of truth to hubby's comment. Is this really what I subject Hubby to ?

As we both laid down to relax ,reclaiming our home from raging teens and "active preschoolers" we didn't speak we simply relished in the silence.

As I closed my eyes to go to bed, I wondered if hubby was thinking what I was thinking.

With four females in the family, we'd better buy some stock in this company if we ever want to survive

In Which I Honor my Mother

This morning was my mother’s weekly chemotherapy treatment. It was her third infusion of this drug. She will endure five more weeks of this and then 6 weeks of radiation.

The first chemotherapy drug my mom started three days after Christmas caused her to lose her hair.

My mother is bald and wears it like a badge of honor.

To say she is amazing is an understatement. Even after a bilateral mastectomy and being pumped full of drugs that have extreme side effects she continues to be positive and keeps us all laughing in spite of the fact that we may sometimes just want to have a good cry.

My mother is living with and surviving breast cancer.

She has not had an easy life. My grandmother had my mom when she was 16 and unmarried. In those days, there was such a stigma attached to children born out of wedlock that my mom suffered negative treatment for something she had no control over. She was the first of seven children and money was scarce in the family. Her parents were severe disciplinarians.

When she married my father, that marriage ended nine years later in divorce. A second attempt at matrimony with my father also resulted in divorce a mere six months after it began.

While others might let such things define them my mother did not.

She is strong and brave and compassionate.

When we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my father in 1999 she never missed a beat when it came to making sure she was there for my sisters and me.

You see, although they had been divorced for several years she managed to get past the anger and become good friends with her ex spouse. When he died she too suffered the loss but she put my sisters and my grief before hers; a true testament to her character and strength.

She’s one of my best girlfriends, one with whom I share almost everything. We can talk on the phone for hours or sit up having girl talk until 2:00 in the morning.

My mom often says she’s lucky because her daughters are also her best friends. I echo that sentiment and feel blessed to have such an incredible mother.

I remind myself daily of how fortunate I am to have her and as I watch her go through this ordeal I only hope and pray that I am giving back the amazing support that she has given me throughout the years.

Hubby's Brownie Points

When hubby and I met at a club almost 11 years ago we spent the night talking at a table in the corner of the club while our friends came and went. It was great to be able to have such effortless conversation with someone and hubby had a great sense of humor to boot.

Throughout the evening in our cutesy little flirtatious conversation hubby would say things that were impressive to me and while I don't remember what those things were I do recall giving him "brownie points".

We talked until the lights came on and the hardcore partyers were finally filing out. I remember hubby asking me if I wanted to go to breakfast. I decided against breakfast so a slightly dejected but persistent hubby did what I thought was the cutest thing . He asked " If you won't go to breakfast with me then can I trade in my brownie points for your phone number?"

Advance 4 years :

As we planned our wedding the reverend asked us how we met. We of course shared the brownie point story which he then incorporated in to our ceremony.
Our wedding guests "aww'd" in unison as Reverend Dave relayed the story to them. It was then that I knew that the brownie point story would soar to legendary heights.

Advance to present day:

Hubby doesn't do nearly the things that he did during our courtship when he was trying to "woo" me.

But he did do something particularly brownie point worthy last night.

He called me at work yesterday and asked if I'd like to go to a spaghetti dinner. It was a little funny that hubby referred to it as a "spaghetti dinner" and not as "going out to eat" but I just thought ,huh ,the man just really knows what he wants. I can appreciate a craving so , sure, it'll be a fun outting for the fam as we rarely go out during weeknights.

I picked up the twins and headed to hubby's work to scoop him up and head off. As it turns out the spaghetti dinner was at a local school and supported D.A.R.E. The twins got to meet police officers and fireman (which B. just loves) and dance around to a great little steel drum band comprised of 4th graders - and get all their energy out so that they'd be sufficiently tired at bed time.
Not only did we get a great dinner but we were also able to support a good cause and I even got an impromptu neck rub post dinner as we listened to the band.

So, props to hubby for earning brownie points years later when I thought his game was almost gone.

Take That !

As I walked in to the mail room this morning to get my mail, I noticed the CFO at the copier busily making copies.

"Good Morning," I say

"Good Morning," he responds.

Quickly dispensing with the morning pleasantries he goes on to say "You got me in trouble with Helen (my boss)"

I force out laughter and say " Not, on purpose."

Now I'll spare you all the boring details of why he thinks I got him in to trouble and instead tell you what he said next.

"Now you're on my sh*t list."

WTF!? Did he really just say that to me ? Does he not realize how much I rock ?

He laughs in an effort to let me know he's only kidding and then launches in to this discourse about how "its good to hash these things out because with out doing that we'd never know what the correct process was... blah, blah, blah ."

I quickly tuned him out because a) he is notoriously long winded and b) Its too early and I haven't had my Starbucks Tazo Awake Tea yet.

So here's the thing, I know he was supposedly kidding and all but you know what?

Now he's on my sh*t list for telling me I was on his.

Crafty

So my Aunt just loves crocheting. She crocheted the cutest hats for B & J for Christmas and just whipped up a great little shawl for J.

Auntie's been trying to teach me for ages but as a lefty I gotta admit its hard to duplicate the motions she's doing with her right hand.

But, I am going to learn how to sew!

About a week ago, I was in Walmart and wandered in to the fabric section. Now I am not a craft person necessarily but I think I was just so giddy that I was actually in a store without the kids that I leisurely went down every aisle.

As I casually walked down the aisles I saw the cutest bolts of patterned smocked fabric that seemed to merely need a couple of stitches here and a strap there and voila I'd have the most fabulous sundresses for J.

Besides, this is the age I can get away with making her something that she'd actually wear. I know TomGirl, my 14 year old stepdaughter, and Girly Pre-teen (GPT), my 12 year old stepdaughter, would never ever be caught dead in something I'd sewn - no matter how fabulous it was.

So for now, I'll try my creations out on J.

I'm sure I can do it. My non crocheting abilities are not telling, right ?

I've already researched the class:

Sewing 101, $40 at the Joanne Fabric Store a few miles from home. Check.

Ideas for 1st sewing project: Fabulous sundresses for J. Check.

Sewing machine. Uhhh ...

Uhhh...

Wait a minute, I totally forgot a few years back hubby and I got GPT this and its just been sitting on her shelf



I mean would they really expect those of us that don't know how to sew to purchase state of the art equipment ?

Besides I'm sure I can sew the hell outta some dresses with this.

After all, Barbie's wardrobe kicks ass



and I just know it was sewn on a Barbie sewing machine just like this.

Uh-Uh, no she di - int !

Last week, my co-worker with whom I frequently share preschooler war stories, stops me when she sees me and points to something on her face. "Look at this" she says pointing to a scratch extending the length of her cheek.

It couldn't be. I'm thinking.

"It was during a particularly bad tantrum," she said

Holy mother of God. Your child did that? Not in my house, I'm thinking. My children know better.

Or so I thought.

Last night at bed time, J. winds up beside herself because it's not her turn to listen to her Disney Princess CD.

She works herself in to an uncontrollable frenzy to the point where I just walk out of her room telling her I can not and will not talk to her when she's like this.

"But I want my Princess CD ," she says from down the hall in between tears and stomping her little foot.

Now part of me wants to laugh because truthfully its kind of funny that she is getting this worked up over a silly cd. The other part of me wants to call a priest because my child has certainly been taken over by demons. I mean what else could it be?

"You need to get back in bed," I say heading back towards her room.

Ever defiant she screams "I want my Princess CD" and just when I think I'm really about to loose it she spits.

Yep, you read it right. She turned her little head to the side and spit for effect.

I'm not a spitter, nor is hubby or her older sisters so I'm not sure where she picked up that pleasant little trait. Near as I can figure it she must have been so frustrated all she could think to do was to spit.

"Did you just spit" I ask (rather loudly).

J. is silent.

"Did you just spit ?" I ask

" That is unacceptable and I won't have it" I said as I yanked her special Ariel night light because that was all I could think to do short of beating the bejesus out of her at the time to show her I meant business .

"Little girls that spit do not get to have their special night lights" I say.

I leave demon-childs room while demon child is still screaming and head downstairs to tell hubby that "his" child has gone nuts. Because when she is this crazed she is his child.

A bit later, J. appears dowstairs looking a little worse for wear but much calmer.

I stare her down, getting ready for the next battle.

She looks at me and said simply "Sorry mommy".

And it was over. As quickly as it had started it was over.

I couldn't help but think of my co-worker and my initial reaction to her daughter scratching her and how I thought that type of thing would never happen in my house.

No,it hadn't gotten physical but this would certainly qualify as a "particularly bad tantrum".

Just before I went to bed that night , I checked in on the kids as I usually do.
J. was peacefully sleeping and looking angelic once again.

PTL, my little girl is back! I thought.

I crept out quietly so as not to wake her up and just in case those nasty demon sons a bitches wanted to do battle again . Thinking back on what had happened mere hours ago, I half contemplated going to a local church and getting a jug of holy water.