Monday, March 9, 2009

When good Weekends go Bad

I will never, ever again assume my weekend is going to be lo-key.

I have now resigned myself to the fact that for as neat and tidy as I'd like my life to be, it just ain't. In fact, sometimes it's really, really messy:

And here it is, in all it's messy glory and in bullet points for your viewing pleasure: my jacked up weekend (keep in mind the husband is ill. Like fever, hacking,snot filled,sore-throat ill. He is not featured in any of the incidences because he was too sick to be of any good to anyone).

  • Friday after work you prepare to take kids to the 1 hours childrens concert you'd promised weeks ago and then get happy because you know after this it will be bed for them and full on relaxation for you

  • But then the phone rings. It is your bff. She seems to be angry. She asks you why you haven't been answering your phone. You tell her you left your cell phone in another coat and apologize. She proceeds to tell you her new man is about to break up with her. You sensed this might happen but talk with her as best as you can while children ask you several hundred times when the concert starts. There are a number of "I'll call you backs" from both of you. You because of your children, her because she needs to check in with the boyfriend who was supposed to take her out to dinner to "talk". In the end he doesn't do that instead he just breaks up with her by phone.

  • Deciding bff really needs more attention, you invite her over to have a glass of wine and talk. But first you need to take the kids to the concert. So you rush out telling her to call you when she gets close.

  • You tell kids you are sorry that they won't be able to see the full concert but also remind them you are going to a play on Sunday. You spend about 20 minutes "concerting" and then must leave.

  • BFF is already at your house when you get there and decides she wants to go out on the town. You are not really in the mood but you agree.

  • Whilst enjoying a little vino, you change your clothes, slap on some warpaint and head out to a club. BFF, who drank a little before she came to see you, is now three sheets to the wind and you are getting there too. When you arrive at the hotel you think the club is on the penthouse level so you go there. You realize you are on the wrong floor but the BFF is way ahead of you heading into some random strangers room because their door is open and she has to pee and, well, they let her. You follow her feeling ridiculous but wanting to look out for her. Once she is finished you try your hardest to get out of the room and not look like a crazy person. You don't succeed. But what you do succeed at is getting some weird hangers on from the Rotary convention that's at the hotel wanting to "party" with you. You hold up your hand to display your wedding ring and move on. You then head down to the club

  • You get convinced it would be fun to do a shot of tequila by a different group of hard partying Rotary conference members that are staying at the hotel. (you will regret this the next day)

  • You're relaxed, and casually dancing when some monstrous woman says angrily to your BFF that she bumped in to her. You know the bff did not and you say so, politely. Monstrous woman whispers something to her equally monstrous female friend who then asks "Did you just call my friend a bitch?". You know those words never left your lips so you tell her so. Monstrous woman and monstrous friend are now trying to get in your face. You see them look at one another and snicker. You realize they are intentionally picking a fight because they are immature whores. You don't get in their faces, but you don't back down either because you are stupid, hammered not in the right frame of mind. Luckily BFF pulls you away by the arm and you avoid crisis.

  • You are in complete disbelief at the ridiculousness of those females trying to start a fight. You thought you went to a club with mature adults. You were wrong.

  • The night ends, though, without any arrests and the bff's son comes to pick your hammered asses up

  • You eat Taco hell and then pass out. You don't really know what time it is.

  • The next morning you call to check on BFF. She is in tears again so although you are incredibly hungover you head to her house to lend support

  • On the way there while going over a bumpy road, your son will tell you it's making his penis go up and down, your daughter will tell you it's making her "vagina shiver". You will nearly run off the road when you hear this

  • You spend as much time as you can with the BFF and then head home before you drop out of shear tiredness

  • The following day,Sunday, you want to repent, but your still hungover arse can't make it to church. You are one sorry individual. You have accepted it.

  • You do manage to take kids to the play you'd promised them and enjoy yourself

  • On the way home you realize your children are getting whatever nastiness their Dad was struck with and you spend the rest of Sunday caring for 3 sick children (Hubby being the 3rd child). None of these people go to sleep at any reasonable hour because when they try they hack and cough. Which means you don't get to sleep at any reasonable hour

  • You finally get to bed in between 12 and 1 a.m. knowing you need to wake up at 5:40 a.m. for work the next day

  • The End

    ...and no I have no creatively funny way to end this. I'm exhausted just reliving it for you. You can't tell me you're not exhausted from having read it.

    mo.stoneskin said...

    To be honest, I am pretty tired. But that is primarily because it is well past my bed time. You did, however, illustrate someting which I have slowly learned, that clubs are never filled with mature adults, just a couple of us...

    Ann(ie) said...

    I'm very exhausted after reading that. In fact, I think my vagina might be snoring.

    hehe. ;)

    Couldn't resist.

    CDP said...

    That was absolutely high-larious. Sorry you didn't get any sleep last night, but think of it as suffering to entertain all of us. You're a giver like that.

    Dumblond said...

    Now I'm really tired!
    That hotel adventure was hilarious. Us married folk can always count on our single friends to keep things "interesting".

    Cid said...

    I wish my single bff offered such entertainment value. Partying with Rotarians and monster ladies sounds like fun, except for the tequila part. But I like the idea of having a son old enough to come and pick his hammered mother up.

    Whiskeymarie said...

    I think I was your friend's Midwest counterpart this past weekend, minus the relationship drama.

    When did we lose our abilities to party like rockstars?
    Getting old sucks.

    bereccah said...

    Ok, I am very sorry that you had such a rough weekend but DAYUM that was funny. The kids, ahem, announcements, on the way over to your friends house are hilarious!

    Virtualsprite said...

    Wow. That was some weekend. I'm exhausted just reading this!

    Although I did laugh a little bit about the penis and vagina remarks. :-)

    Brillig said...

    I"m exhausted from laughing so hard about it. Sorry, i hope it's okay that I found it hilarious. HAHAHA. Oh, it's been a week since you wrote this. I hope you're fully rested now...

    Queen of the Mayhem said...

    I have had weekends like this. That sounds VERY exhausting. Hope you are getting some rest now!

    Hang in there.

    OH...and I have a friend like this too! Maybe they're the same person! :)