Wednesday, January 16, 2008

On Old Flames and Fiery Friendships

Just yesterday I saw a man that,had I not done a double take, would have sworn was my old high school boyfriend. The resemblance was uncanny and it got me to thinking. Thinking about mistakes made, faux friendships and the general melodrama that is adolescence.
Will was a great guy. He sang in a band, had a great sense of humor and most importantly a mom that worked late so as to give us the coolest hangout pad for our group of friends.
Everybody loved Will…except me. While I really enjoyed Will as a friend, I just didn’t have those type of feelings for him.
He was a charmer, though, he wrote me a song, he showered me with flowers and everyone who was anyone said we made a cute couple. So I agreed to go “steady” with him. Silly. Yes, I know. But I was 14. He was 16 and part of me just thought it was cool to be dating an older guy that everyone loved.
Everyone including April.
One night at a sleepover, I revealed my true feelings about Will to April.
April subsequently told him.

He confronted me. I fessed up and days later April asked Will to go out with her.

As I reminisced about how April did me so wrong (even though technically I did Will wrong…but,ahem, I digress) I thought even on my bitchiest of bitchy days I wouldn't honestly have done that to a friend.

Just like I wouldn’t have sex in my friends bed with some random guy.

And yes, that happened too.

I was about 20 years old, living on my own working and going to school. Tiffany was a girlfriend I hung out with quite a bit and could rely on for just about anything. So I didn’t hesitate to ask her for a ride to the airport. About two days in to my travels Tiffany phoned me and said she’d gotten in to a physical fight with her roommate (a male). She asked if she could stay at my place. I was of course instantly worried and happy to let her stay at my place while I was away. When I returned, although it was cramped quarters (I only had 1 bedroom) I told her she was welcome to stay until she could find another place to live.
At the time, I worked the night shift from 5 pm to 2 a.m. One night I felt ill and left work around 11 p.m. I walked in to my apartment and didn’t see Tiffany on the couch. Assuming she must have gone out, I headed in to my room to get some much needed rest.
There she was. Naked. In my bed. With some random dude.
At that moment I wondered how many times she’d done that . Had sex on my sheets, not told me and let me sleep in them.
I made it clear that Tiffany needed to leave. That night. And thus began the decline of our friendship. In hindsight while yes, her actions were less then hygienic they were maybe not the worst in the world. Later, I found out she’d lied about the fight with her roommate, stolen money and other such unsavory things so in the end I'd been right on in bidding that "friendship" adieu.

Fortunately, nowadays, I don’t encounter many situations like that. I’d like to think I’ve matured and associate myself with more mature adults.

But there is always an exception to every rule.

Take for instance my friend Regina. I’ve known Regina for a several years now and while I don’t see Regina as much as I used to we email now and then and try to make plans to get together with one another. A couple of months back, I ran in to Regina at the store. We chatted for a while , catching up on one another’s lives and promised to get together soon. The next day I emailed and told her it’d be fun if she were able to come to my birthday celebration. She was more then excited to come.

That is until she found out that I’m friendly with her ex husband’s new wife. I didn’t know the connection when I met the “new wife” Lisa. She just happened to be the mom of my son B’s preschool friend. And as Lisa and I began to talk about stepchildren she said things that made me realize her stepson was my friend Regina’s son. Regina had told me the story before. How her marriage ended because of her husband’s infidelity. Infidelity it turned out with my new acquaintance Lisa.
Sure the situation was awful. But it was before my time and frankly didn’t have anything to do with me. In any event, when I found out the connection, I let Regina know. She asked that if Lisa and I were going to be social that I let her know if Lisa was going to be at any gatherings she’d be at. I assured her that I would out of respect to her but as I’m just getting to know Lisa I don’t plan on having her at the party. And that was the last I heard from Regina.
She simply stopped talking to me. She didn’t even bother to make up an excuse as to why she could no longer come to my birthday soiree. She just simply didn’t come.

How’s that for maturity?

No matter though. I’m no longer interested in surrounding myself with her kind of crazy.

And there you have it.

The instances are few, but they are forever burned in to my mind. You see, I pride myself on being a good friend and don’t think it’s asking too much to ask others to do the same. But eh…I guess I can’t have it all right.

There (*exhale*) that was cleansing.

You ever had a “friend” like April Tiffany or Regina? Do tell? Leave it in the comments or better yet if you’ve got a “whopper” of a tale to tell blog it and link to the post in comments.

I can’t wait….I loves me a good drama.

Umm as long as it isn’t part of my own life that is.


Maureen said...

Wow... sounds like a soap opera! My life is way too boring in comparison. I never lived on my own; a few friends have faded away, but mostly because we got on with our own lives and kids... yup. I am officially boring.

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I had a friend whom I left work in the middle of the day to move her from her abusive husband's house....I even sent her on and stayed to pack more up for her....just in case he came home (she is quite tiny and I figured I had a better chance of taking him...if need be...AND I hoped he would not want a piece of "BIG RED"!). This capped off two years of late night pickups and other crazy things I had to do for her because of his crazy ass!
THEN...she had the audacity to tell me,"She didn't need this kind of stress in her life" after I had a few meltdowns about Mr. Mayhem and parenthood! THE NERVE!

Oh...yeah....that feels GOOD!

Cherann said...

I had a roommate that stole money from another roommate (my SIL)via her ATM card. The funny thing was that my SIL was the wealthiest of all of us and was always complaining how she always had to pay for things (so untrue). What she liked the most about the other roommate was that she always helped pay or offered to pay. Little did my SIL know that the other roommate was using my SIL's own money to pay her!

Anonymous said...

Does this count?: I had a friend, we'll call her A, in H.S. and A called me up one night and told me my boyfriend J wanted to break up w/me. That he thought we were getting to close to fast and that we needed to take some time apart. I was torn beyond belief, well as much as you can when you're that age, and didn't even think to question her or why he would call her or how he had her number in the first place. I just accepted what she said as fact b/c she was supposed to be one of my closest friends. He didn't deny it the next day at school. Imagine my surprise when not even a week later, more like 4 days, they were an item. Needless to say that was the decline of my friendship w/both of them. We all became aquaintances after that. A went on to steal about 1 or 2 more bf's after that. It's been over 10yrs and I've forgiven them (due to age and the birth of my son) but sometimes I do think about it and it really does irk me. I think about how I didn't stand up for myself more in that situation and about other things but I guess hindsight's 20/20. Oh, I talk to A again now and then but it's obviously nothing like it could've been had she not stolen J from me.

Lollie said...

I had a friend who borrowed my fiancee's truck and proceeded to scrape the hell out of the side of it getting it out of our garage. She blamed us for parking in such a small place and refused to pay for it (also saying she didn't "need this sh*t from us")!

Immediate end of friendship.

CDP said...

Unbelievable. I've had some minor stuff, but nothing even close to finding someone in my bed with a strange man. Shudder.

Butrfly Garden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Not Afraid to Use It said...

A "friend" of mine learned she was having fertility issues similar to mine. I had just had surgery, but I did everything I could to support her by sending her books, information via email, etc.

I learned that I was pregnant (after 3 surgeries and 3 years of hell), but due to her vacations and schedule I was not able to tell her until I was about five or so months along. She sent me a one sentence perfunctory "congratulatory" email and I never heard a thing from her--until about two months later. I saw her name in and I just KNEW that she had finally gotten preggo too. And it was true. She had emailed me to tell me all the "good news" and was suddenly COMPLETELY interested in how I was, doing, feeling, etc.

My feelings were so hurt. She was only happy for me because her own luck had changed. I wrote her a long letter telling her that I did not want to make a huge deal out of this, but I needed to let her know how I felt. I even had my DH read it so that it was not confrontational or accusatory. I just wanted to lay it out there for us to talk about.

She absolutely freaked her shit and literally ended the friendship right then. A few weeks later in the mail I received a package from her with the book I had so carefully purchased for her while I was in recovery. In it was a card that said my expectations were too high, and that I could not expect friends to be supportive the way I was asking.

I think the real issue was that I totally called her out on her behaviour. Rather than take the opportunity to talk about it, her reaction was to just shut me out. I know I am better off because of it, but when I think about it it still really stings. I have not stood up for myself very often, and this was the result.

Butrfly Garden said...

Deleted my comment. Will email.

Whiskeymarie said...

I had a roommate who stole a bunch of my favorite clothes and moved out when I was out of town for the weekend. All of this and she stiffed me on the rent.

Even now, 14 years later- If I run into her she's getting an earful.

Emma Sometimes said...

What crazy stories you have!

I did have a friend that I sold a dresser to when I was moving four states away. "Friend" had plans to pick up the (paid for) dresser from my roommate since I was leaving the next day.

My roommate and I didn't hear from the "friend" for 6 years, in which my roomies mother took the dresser for her own. (It was her home we were renting)

I moved back to town and roomies mom called me, "You want your old dresser back? I'm taking it to the Goodwill if you don't.."friend" did not pick it up 6 years ago and wouldn't call me back."

SOOO, I wanted it back. I picked it up. Weeks later my sister noticed my old dresser and later called up "friend". My sister told "Friend" I had the dresser. "Friend" immediately told my sister to get it from me and deliver it to "friends" house. Riiiight. My sister said to call me at ###-####.

"Friend" refused and still has not called me. 14 years later. I still don't know why she was angry at me and wouldn't call me.

and yes, I still have the vintage dresser.

SOOO retarded.

jenniedub said...

After reading you post, I am glad I am not the only one who has had friends like that. It is very disappointing when we are such good friends to people and then they are not in return!

Anonymous said...

I think every woman has those in their past, and sometimes in their present. Backstabbing has to be one of the most painful things we learn by

Ann(ie) said...

OH yes. You're describing the horrifying 'frenemie'. They say they're your friend. But usually they use you for what they need and then either disappear or turn on you. It's not enjoyable. I too feel like I'm a good friend...these kind of people still catch me by surprise. My radar sucks. You're not alone, sugar.

Alex Elliot said...

Wow! As for your last one, it's not like you intentionally set out to be friends with Lisa because she was Regina's mistress. I can understand her not wanting to be at events you host if Lisa is there, but not talking to you seems a little extreme. I'll have to think about my own stories. Your post had me captivated.

Mariposa said...

Wow...but then I can relate to you...and I used to bang my head asking what did I do or failed to do...but now...not anymore. Heck! I just ranted about this some days ago...and I said there, we teach others how to treat ourselves!

I have a friend worst than Regina or Tiffany...but I swear, they're not gonna affect me ever...


I can go on...but then I just ranted with my 15 things about 15