Thursday, November 8, 2007

Because I must Know

Because I must know...see what I did there ? It's a play on my blog title...clever, huh ? Uh right anyway before I get to the point of this post a quick update in which my last two posts tie in to one another.
Aunt Flo helped me grow a pair...wait that didn't sound right. I didn't actually grow a pair , but I did use Aunt Flo as my excuse for why I was unable to make it to the Mary Kay facial. So maybe AF is not such an evil whore after all - well yeah she really is...but I guess in this particular instance she was spot on with her timing.

Ahem, now that you've been properly updated... on to what I must know. Comedian Ralphie May whom I get a kick out of (what can I say I like a little crude humor) suggested that men don't actually like the gifts we (their significant others) give them. Frankly, he says our gifts suck and that really we could satisfy our men better with two gifts that are free. FREE, he says.
Can you guess what those two gifts are ? No... well let me just tell you: "oral" as he puts it and "silence".
Now I must know, ladies and especially any gentleman lurkers now is the time to speak up, is that really what men want ?
If I refrained from ever buying hubby a gift , ever again and simply "performed" and gave him a little more peace and quiet (hell, I'll admit it I like to talk) he'd be satisfied. Really ?
I have to wonder because my hubby sure in the hell wasn't complaining about how he'd wished he'd gotten a hummer instead of his prized VW , or his favorite cologne that he even went so far as to paste a magazine ad on the refrigerator to make sure I remembered the name , or his car stereo. Hmmm...puzzling to say the least.
Thus I must know...have I been fooling myself all these years thinking hubby enjoyed his gifts - could I realistically be thousands of dollars richer had I listened to good old Ralphie.
Because it that really is all hubby wants then dammit I'll be quiet for the rest of my life.

24 comments:

Butrfly Garden said...

"What do you mean where's the table saw you asked for? I got you something...better. Open it! Open it!"

The Man opens his gift to find an empty box.

"It's silence!! That's what Ralphie May said you wanted!! Okay, honey, enjoy that. I'll be out shopping. [How the hell else do I give him silence??]"

Yeah...I don't think even with the BJ that this would quite cut it. In fact, I KNOW it wouldn't.

Not to be a giant bizatch, but I don't think Mr. May has a whole lot of relationship experience.

Smiling Mom said...

Oh my gosh. I am dying! That was so funny!

All your clever humor! Maybe Aunt Flo should visit more often. hehe

BTW, my hubby would love a hummer rather than a VW, for sure!

But... he's a gadget guy and I really think he'd trade a years worth of hummers (all two, maybe three) for the new very cool iPhone. For sure!

Virtualsprite said...

Yeah... Nature Boy is not so much into the BJs either. Silence, though... that he might like.

But then he wouldn't get the giant 3-D hunting target he wants, so I imagine he'd opt for his hunting gear.

you da mom said...

good old aunt flo.

Bart's Camille said...

Actually Mr. May is married to a really skinny, pretty girl. I saw this the other day too. VV Funny. My husband sure did laugh his A** off watching it. We don't exchange gifts often so I'm thinking he'd LOVE Ralphie's gifts this year. Heck, I'll take a little silence myself tied up with a nice pretty bow. I have 3 kids, are you kidding me?!?!?

Mamma said...

Hmmm.

Blow job...new shoes...blow job...new purse...blow job...day at the spa...

tough choices.

Biddy said...

haha

my ex once asked for dinner at his favorite restraunt, mini loaves of my homemade pumpkin bread, and lots of se x for his birthday. the next day he told me it was the greatest birthday ever...

but i think it totally depends on the guy...

Suzel's Sass said...

I can totally be silent for my husband. In fact, I will even go shopping and buy something for myself to give him silence.

As for the other, we've known each other for almost 23 years. He SHOULD know by now that he can't have everything he wants. He gets the "silence" and should be happy with that :)

Lollie said...

There's a Tiffany watch on the wrist of a guy who might just agree with your theory WM. Also, if I'm quiet...he gets nervous.

Maureen said...

I think it all depends on the guy, his age and how long you've been together. I know my hubby just wants time to snooze on the couch... that's his favorite past-time now.

Cherann said...

You know...Aunt flo is a hundred times better than Uncle Pause. Uncle Pause comes with hot flashes, dry sex, facial hair and is permanent!

I know for a fact that my husband love a whole week of waking up to a BJ without having to beg for it. But lets just face it. My jaw isn't equipped to exercise that much.

Bananas said...

ha ha! great post. I can be freaking EVIL with silence. Cold, angry silence is NOT a gift. And the other? Well in THIS HOUSE it does NOT come free. heh heh heh

QZ~Ba Doozie said...

I think that guy missed the mark because from what I have heard guys want good food, good TV and a lot of beer to be happy. I think he was referring to the younger dudes whose brains have not yet finished developing

Mitch McDad said...

Ladies,
Mr. May is a wise man. You should all listen to him.

In the imortal words of Miss Teen South Carolina, "I personally believe" that less shitty gifts and more blow jobs would be welcome in all our lives. And a tad less constant chatter would be pleasant, too.

Let me be more specific on the talking. We enjoy conversations with you....sometimes. But what we would love is if you could learn to pick up on out cues. Like when you've been talking for 15 minutes and we hve done nothing but mudder "uh ha." That's a cue that we would trade a testicle for a little quiet.

I could go on and on on this subject but I'm typing on my phone and its too much work. If anyone wants a more in depth analysis let me know. Maybe I'll write a post.

Nora Bee said...

Well, the grass is always greener, eh? If there were enough "oral" and silence in his world, some comedian would be all "all men really want is a tangible token of affection now and again, is that too much to ask? Some cufflinks? A nice tie?"

We almost never do gifts here, we try to have experiences instead, dates and trips and the like. Massages. Our house is cluttered enough :-)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Okay.....I still want to buy gifts...because the thought of not being able to talk...or WORSE constant blow jobs is TOO traumatic to contemplate!

I shall do some research and return with my findings!

Chrissy said...

Please - if that's what I gave as a gift (and in the morning) he would be a happy man and the happiness would last quite awhile. Not only would it satisfy his disgusting man desires, but it would satisfy his cheap skate tendencies!

Silence, however much he may like it, will never be my strong suit!

Alex Elliot said...

I haven't heard any complaints about the gifts I gave.

Lady Latte said...

Very interesting post. First of all our family loves comedians. But we had not heard of Mr May. If you want to know more about us Swedes and our cultural roots in a very comic way, you can listen to Garrison Keilor at http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/
About the gifts it is such a bummer I will let you know on my post how today went (It is father's day in Sweden) all I can say is that I could have saved a lot of money!

(Is something you give all the time really a gift??)

Brillig said...

hahahahahahaha.

(Oh, and I'm glad that AF came through for you in the knick of time. hahaha. That's a hilarious excuse to not go somewhere.)

Rebecca said...

I'm here trying to comment on the next post (why can I not find the comment spot? I do not know) anyway...your son called your daughter bitch. You must be so puurowd! The only person that can be called a bitch around my place is me....so I might make that word a no- no, I think.

Naarski (the Mrs.) said...

I think this is just another way for men to get out of buying their wives good gifts. For instance, "wife, i don't need a gift. I just need a bj."
When he comes up empty handed on an anniversary he can say, "I just thought I'd take a trip down town and by downtown I mean your hoo-ha." I'd be like, "The gift would have been foreplay. Now I'm not in the mood. Jackass."

slackermommy said...

You are too funny! It's probably true. Men are simple like that and everything boils down to sex. I don't give BJ's much anymore. I have TMJ and a doctor's note. Seriously. Now I only give them when I want something. How do you think I got new boobs and a flat tummy?

Candace said...

OMG! That was great! And the comments were so funny! I think you hit a chord here!
I celebrate Channukah. Do I have to give 8 blow jobs 8 nights in a row?
I'm tired thinking about it!