Picketing

As the weekend approaches, I can't help but think one thing:

I need a date.

I'm just putting it all out there. I mean its been a long time since Hubby and I went on a traditional date.

I mean sure we go out on special occasions but other than that our date night consists of laying around on the couch and watching movies and eating take-out together.

I mean where's the romance when you're in your sweats ? And how can you have true ambience when you know at any minute a child might come downstairs and interrupt so you have the remote in hand to quickly hit pause and shield their young eyes and ears from whatever violent action flick hubby chose to rent that night ?

In the early years when the twins were babies I didn't mind not going out. In fact, hubby wanted to get out more but I was afraid to leave them.

Now, here we are many years later and I'm more than ready but the dates have all but stopped. Unless I plan them. What is that about?

Must I do everything ?

Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking a strike is in order. I'm thinking I might just picket him in my very own living room.

Yeah, I can just see it now.

"Worst hubby in the state...He won't take me on a date" I'd chant over and over until he was forced to cave.

But then he'd be pissed. He'd only give in to keep me quiet and not because he really wanted to take me out.

Right ... and then it might be a night of McDonalds and cow tipping.

On second thought, scratch the picketing.

Yes, definitely scratch that.

Come to think of it rented dvds and take-out sound better and better each second.

Parrots...and Gonags.

Hubby loves to engage in horseplay with the kids. He does this one crazy move where he holds them up in the air in a seated position and then on his queue they'll lean back so that they wind up hanging upside down suspended in the air. They think this is just the funniest thing.

I on the other hand think its a little scary because I just know someone is going to get hurt but I do get a kick out of watching all three of them laughing and carrying on together so I keep the complaints to a dull roar.

Last night though was one of those instances where my concern was warranted. In the course of play B. accidentally grazed hubby's "no no buttons" with his foot.

As hubby doubled over he moaned "my gonads" (which was slightly amusing in and of itself because hubby rarely uses the "proper" terms so coming out of his mouth it sounded silly).

Now hubby has hung out with 3 year olds long enough to know that they are parrots and they repeat just about everything they hear. I can't believe he'd forgotten it had taken us more than 2 months to get B. to stop saying sh*tty when he was 2.

Lo and behold, moments later J. says "Daddy, why do your gonags hurt?"

I looked at hubby and tried my hardest not to laugh. Because as any parent knows laughter is basically giving approval to add that word to said childs vocabulary on a regular and frequent basis.

I was strong.

I held the laugther in...until she said it again.

"Daddy" she questioned impatiently. "Why do your gonags hurt ?"

I couldn't stop it. The laughter just came out.

Then hubby started , then B. , then J. and then "gonags, gonags..." she turned it in to a song.

Dammit why couldn't I be stronger.

I can just see it now we'll be in play group or better yet it will be the time I take them by my office . J. will go right up to anyone who will listen and say "did you know my Daddy's gonags got hurt ?"

Lovely !

Horrible Parenting Moment No. 3

I secretly know that I aspire to be the perfect parent. You know the kind of mom whose kids are always immaculately dressed and well behaved, the mom that always feeds her kids well balanced meals , the kind of mom who has them in all the right activities, the kind of mom who instead of letting her kids watch tv does crafts with them and always anticipates her kids every move or every need and has it handled before they even ask.

You know, the person that just doesn't exist.

I try my hardest though and honestly I think I've done ok.

With some small exceptions.

Take for instance the time when J. was 4 months old and had recently learned how to roll over. I laid her in the middle of our king sized bed and turned my back for an instant to put on my shoes. As luck would have it, she rolled her little self right off the bed on to the floor. I was mortified.

That was horrible parenting moment no. 1

Moment 2 came quite a while later when B. was about 18 months old. As I walked in to the house and put him down our big ass crazy mutt came bounding down the stairs knocked him over, his head hit the wall and he got a goose egg.
Now I know some of that was accidental but if I was a good mom I would have known that crazy mutt does that kind of thing all the time and I would have put him outside for the day. That was our first trip to the emergency room. I'd never seen a goose egg before and it scared the hell outta me.

Horrible parenting moment no. 3 came in to play yesterday as I was driving the twins home from FMCP's house. I was driving down a one lane road when this piece o' sh*t car in front of me stopped suddenly and decided he needed to turn right.
I slammed on my brakes to avoid rear ending him.

At that moment B. and his car seat came flying forward and hit the back of my seat with a loud thud. (I shudder when I think of it now)

Instantly he starts whaling. I'm trying to look in the rear view mirror to see if he's ok all the while trying not to cry myself and find a safe space to pull over.

He was just fine, scared of course (but then so was I), but fine.

I instantly went to that place. That place of guilt as I only I can do.

This took the cake in the book of horrible parenting.

I knew I was going to that special hell that they reserve just for child abusers and other such monsters.

How could I not have strapped in his car seat ? When was the last time we took the car seat out of the car ? Was it me or was it hubby that last put his car seat back in the car ?

As these questions raced through my mind, J. says "Mommy, when we were looking for our toy the other day I played with the seat belt"

That little..., I thought.

But wait ,if she did it that means I didn't.

I am a good parent after all! Hallelujah!

Redemption , what a great feeling!

But wait, I still have one kid playing with things she knows she shouldn't be and wait, the "other day" that J. mentioned just happened to be two days ago and that means I've been driving around with B.'s car seat unbuckled since that time.

F*ck!

I'm still a horrible parent.

*sigh* Just when I thought I was saved.

Focus Group Wh*re

It started with a random call about two years ago. I didn't pick up the phone at the time because based on the name that appeared on my caller ID display all signs pointed to the dreaded telemarketer.

When I later checked voicemail the lady on the other end of the phone said "Hi this is Sandy from Acme Marketing Research and we have an upcoming focus group about beer that pays $75. If anyone in your household is age 25-34 and enjoys beer please have them give me a call."

Ha ! Did I fall asleep and wake up in hubby's fantasy world. Getting paid to drink beer? It didn't get any better than that as far as hubby was concerned.

Alright, admittedly she'd piqued my curiousity but the cynical part of me thought Right, like somebody would pay for that kind of thing. Its just a scam to get us to buy something.

But I saved the message anyway.

A few weeks later when my curiousity got the better of me I decided I'd call. The beer group had already happened but she had another study coming up on shampoo and well "lets just run through these questions and see if you qualify" she said cheesily.

It turned out for this study, I would need to pick up the shampoo, use it twice,document my opinions in a journal and then later meet to discuss the product amongst others in my demographic.

Hmm...sounds a little sketchy. Is this a reputable shampoo company, I wondered, or the "we're offering you $75 to ease the pain of the hair loss that our shampoo will cause you company" ?

I think she sensed my hesitation because she then said "Oh don't worry this is a known manufacturer that you've seen on your grocery store or drug store shelf for years. They've tested this product thouroughly and this is the last step before it is officially rolled out to consumers"

Alright I think. That sounds fairly legit. Besides, I can always back out later,right?

Still a bit nervous about what to expect, I reluctantly agreed.

Let me tell you these marketing companies now how to treat a girl. Plush offices near the lake , snacks ( good snacks mind you and not the donut and standard stale coffee that you know sat in the pot all day) , good conversation and $75 at the end of it all.

I'd died and gone to heaven.

Because if there are two things I like to do its give my opinions and get money.

It was like crack y'all. Since that time I've "registered" with several other marketing research firms and given my opinions on everything from cereal box designs to childrens television programming and been paid as much as $225 for one study.

In fact, this afternoon I'm doing a group on Health and Wellness which pays $175 for a 2 hour interview.

Cha-ching!

I can't get enough of these things. I'm constantly checking the sites and calling for every little thing I think I might be qualified for. I'll do anything for a focus group.

In fact I think this concept is so great that I've began to give my friends a little taste. Telling them "everyones doing it" "It'll make you feel good."

I'm obsessed.

My name is Worker Mommy... and I am a focus group whore.

Do I Need this Stress ?

Last week family member/care provider (FMCP), in our discussion about the twins' day, mentioned a free preschool in the area.

"Khalil, goes and he just loves it, "she says. Khalil is her rambunctious nephew about a year younger than B.

"Huh", I say "You'll have to find out the name for me and I'll see if I can dig up more information."

Now at this point I'm already about to fall on the floor in to a puddle of guilt. Am I doing my children a disservice by not having them in preschool ?

Actually, last September the twins started being cared for by my mother in my home and going to a wonderful little affordable preschool nearby two days a week.

It was a great little arrangement, until my mother became ill and found out she would need several medical treatments over the coming months. As FMCP lives quite a ways from me I knew it would be unreasonable to ask her to drive them to preschool for two hours a day two days a week. So I withdrew them.

Remembering all this I thought, dammit I don't need to feel guilty. They're only 3 and this is preschool not college. Besides, right now the focus should be on mom getting healthy.

Then it happened again this morning. As I dropped the twins off this morning, FMCP says "Oh the name of that school is You gotta have your kids here or you're a horrible mother preschool (well thats what I heard anyway) and they're enrolling new students now"

I said " Great, when I get to work I'll Google it and see what additional information I can find. "

She continued on to say "I saw a news story recently that said kids that don't go to preschool wind up with social problems."

WTF!? What kind of news was she watching ? While I think putting one's child in preschool can do wonders in terms of providing an early excitement for learning and provide the necessary socialization that some kids desperately need I do not subscribe to the theory that not putting children in preschool leads to social problems.

Of course rather than telling her how steeped in bullshit that news report was, I lamely said " yes , when they were in school they loved it and I'd like to have them return in the fall"

Did my kids have social problems ? Was this something I needed to worry about? I didnt' think so. B & J are well adjusted, bright 3 1/2 year olds that have plenty of play dates and opportunities to interact with other children.

Do I need this stress ?

I quickly high tailed it out of there before my head exploded.

So I tried hard to let go of all these emotions swimming around in my head on the drive to work.

Everything will be fine right? In several years, I'll laugh about this ,right ? They'll be straight A, well adjusted, popular kids right?
Of course - I should just stop worrying.

Hmmm...so tell me shall I Google social sucess of preschoolers vs children not in preschool or just straight out go to the origination of juvenile delinquents ?

The Birthday Party Circuit

In preparation for the "terrible twos", I reached out to a group of nearby moms in my moms of multiples club.

I thought it would be great for us moms to be able to commiserate during what I had heard was only the most chaotic time in toddlerhood and would provide an opportunity for our twins to play together.

We all met at one of the mom's houses and hit it off from there. Our twins have been playing together since that time.

Its been great, except for one thing.

All the sets of twins have birthdays near one another.

(On top of that every girlfriend I had prior has a child with a birthday in this same time frame)

So it began, what I like to call The Birthday Party Circuit. Every weekend from late March - late May was occupied with children's birthday parties.

How the hell did that happen?

This weekend kicks off Birthday Party Circuit 2007 where we'll hit a party on Saturday and on Sunday.

Mind you I haven't purchased a single gift. I guess I better get on that.

It used to be that "pre-funking" was the drinkin' and carrying on before we hit the parties.

Now my Friday night pre-funk consists of hanging at Toys R US to purchase gifts for The Circuit.

Aah motherhood !

The Free Space Dance

Parking sucks in the city I work in.

Like most large cities parking is very pricey and can be upwards of a bajillion dollars a day.

Now, let me say that I certainly don't prefer driving in to the city. I was doing my part to protect the environment and unclog our overcrowded freeways but was forced back in to driving my car and mortgaging my home for gas because I needed to drop off the twins at family member/care provider's home in the morning.

Prior to having the twins, I bussed it in to work. Once I returned to work I realized that taking my two little bundles o 'joy on the germ ridden , crazy people attracting public transportation in my city would not not be an option.

So I sucked it up and shelled out the extra dough for monthly parking. Almost 4 years later parking costs have skyrocketed and I refuse to succumb.

So it begins, the Free Space Dance.

One day I ventured from our normal parking garage and drove a few blocks away in an effort to see what kind of fees other parking lots were charging.

Lo and behold about 10 blocks away I stumbled on shh...free street parking.

Of course I had to arrive at just the right time because most of these spaces were occupied by the tenants of an apartment complex nearby. But, if I arrived at just the right time I would grab a spot that a tenant vacated as he/she went off to work.

Score, I thought.

I began to get really good at The Free Space Dance. I was observant, I noticed who drove what car and about what time they left and it was great. It was soooo great. I even went so far as to notice where certain cars parked in the evenings so that barring a late night excursion by that particular vehicle I'd know what spaces to target in the morning.

It was great, sooo great. Until, others discovered my secret. First it was just one person that I noticed creeping around in the same places "waiting" for the spaces to become available. Then it was two. Then it was three, four... I eventually got to know their cars and knew that it would now be a competition for the available spaces.

So it continued. Driving around to see who could get to the available spaces first.

I would not let that little bastard Hyundai get the best of me and I was faster than that red Toyota. Huh, and the white Cutlass, puleez, she had nothing on me.

I would win out in the end right ?

Until this morning. I arrived on said street and dammit all if there weren't "No Parking" signs posted on one side of the street. My street. How dare they?

What would I do this morning ?

I sadly resigned myself to taking out a loan to pay for parking for the day when I noticed a space open up. I started to turn around so I could go nab the space and lo and behold that bastard Hyundai comes creeping along. What tha ? I thought. Where did he come from ?

I knew I had to be quick because he was getting closer.

I started to sweat as I watched him linger. Suddenly, I noticed his turn signal pop on and he headed in the opposite direction. It was then that I realized he must have seen the "No Parking" signs on the side of the street closest to him and hadn't noticed the other side was not marked "No Parking".

Alone in my car I let out a loud "Yes". Revelling in the fact that I had won. I was the coolest , smartest , best dancer of them all.

Derailed....Damn!

At what post pregnancy point must a woman stop saying "I need to loose baby weight" or "I need to loose these extra lbs I picked up during the pregnancy" ?

When the child is 3 months, 6 months, a year ?

Well I can't answer that,but I can say I'm pretty sure that its not 3 1/2.

I worked really hard to get in great shape pre-pregnancy so that I could give myself the best shot at a healthy pregnancy and not be faced with having to loose the "baby weight" on top of the "I've settled in to a comfortable relationship weight" I already had going on.

So I was looking cute running around in my size 6 everything (yes I'm bragging...well that and longing). Even while pregnant I only gained about 30lbs which was mostly babies.

I quickly lost the 30lbs while breastfeeding and was looking cute again. Breastfeeding, glorious Breastfeeding !

Keeping up the supply for two babies caused me to be insatiably hungry. So I ate and ate and somehow seemed to burn the calories faster and faster.

But when I discontinued breastfeeding when the twins were 6 months old I failed to alter my eating habits and... well you can guess what happened.

So here I am now in this up and down cycle of gaining and loosing since that time.

This weekend I decided I'd splurge and then start full force on Monday with the healthy eating and exercise because the beginning of the week is always a good time to start fresh, ya know ?

Only , I wasn't going to announce it to anyone.

I would just secretly start and as time went on I'd wait for the compliments to fly as the lbs magically melted away.

Its Tuesday, I'm thinking, and so far, so good - until last night !

On the way home, hubby calls me excited and says:

"Honey, guess what I got?"

"What?" I ask

"The Departed" he says

Well he knows that from the instant I saw the first preview I wanted to see that movie. Unfortunately, I couldn't manage to catch it in the theaters so I was geeked when it came out on DVD but have of course found it hard to obtain in the video stores.

So an excited me says "Cool, I'll be home shortly and we can watch it after the twins go to bed"

"And guess what else ?" he asks , "What ?" I ask. "And chocolate."

Dammit, dammit, dammit , dammit.

I cannot resist chocolate.

I mean uhh, I can't disappoint hubby when he went through so much trouble to plan a nice evening for us.

So dammit all I ate the chocolate and loved it !

Umm yeah...on that whole starting fresh thing - isn't there another Monday coming up soon?

I got your Six Cents *@# !!

So let me give you a glimpse in to my weeknights:

After work, drive to family member/care provider's house about 30 minutes outside the city in which I work to pick up the twins.

Spend several minutes at family members house politely conversing and trying to wrangle the twins in to their coats and get them ready to leave.

Struggle to get the twins buckled in to their carseats because inevitably they see some toy they must have on the floor which just has to be picked up before they will sit down and allow themselves to be buckled in.

I know , I know I just need to clean up my damn car.
But ... and there is always a but , I'm just too exhausted when I get home! And really cleaning out the car sucks so I simply wait for a day when my hubby takes the car and gets disgusted and brings it home to me sparkling clean.

Anyhoo, on to the matter at hand.

After another hour of commuting , finally reach home some time after 6 p.m.

No time to change because dinner must be prepared (I'm all about what I can pull out of the freezer and throw in the oven quickly) and the twins must help cook.
Not wanting to discourage their creative side I find a job for them which ultimately results in more work for me.

About a half hour to 45 minutes later we sit down to eat. Hubby usually arrives home from work fixes his plate and sits down with us.

We eat quickly, spend family time, get jammies for twins, brush teeth, read story and get the twins tucked in to bed by 8.

Blah , Blah , Blah laundry, blah , blah , blah kids clothes ready for next day.... You get the point.

So last night, after the twins were finally asleep and I was sufficiently exhausted I began to open the mail. I get to the end of my stack o' junk and bills and my mouth drops open when I take a closer look at what the Power Company has sent me.

A Past Due notice for $0.06 ! WTF!?

Had it not been for the late hour I would have called the Power Company and relayed the craziness of my life in hopes that it would bore the shit out of them so much they would be forced in to crediting the $0.06 just to get me off the phone.

It would go something like this:

Power Co: Customer Service, how can I help you ?

Me: Uhhh, yeah, I just got your past due notice for $0.06. Do you know that I am a wife, a mother to twins, a full time career diva and more ?

Power Co: Umm, no ma'am

Me: You better recognize!

Power Co: Excuse me ?

Me: Just know, I am a busy woman and while yes I must have, in a moment of chaos, short paid your bill BUT , c'mon, it cost you more to send me the bill then to collect $ 0.06. Did I tell you I am a mom, a wife, a career diva , a friend, a lover a ...
Me: Well ?

Power Co: (says good lord under breath) Ok we get that you are busy. Can you just send the additional $0.06 with your next payment and we'll waive the late fee.

Me: You'd better. Do you know who I am ?

Power Co: A busy woman

Me: Well , yes

Power Co: Anything else I can help you with ?

Me: Yes, please don't send me any shit like that again.

Power Co: Yes ma'am

Me: Thanks

Its Official !

Just like their kick ass partying mom (well at least back in the day anyway) my kids are true club kids.

We arrived fashionably late on Saturday at the club not sure what we'd be treated to. Would the twins cling to our sides scared of this new environment ? Or would they rise to the occasion and party like rockstars ?
To my enjoyment it indeed was the latter and my two jr. club kids closed the place down (thats 4 p.m. in toddler world.)

BLD was great fun although truthfully I would have loved a bit more diversity.

But nonetheless BLD was cute and the little ones enjoyed it. They danced and played and took full advantage of the Costco juice boxes that were on tap.

J (my lovely daughter) the budding architect that she is took time out of her busy dancing schedule to construct a creation out of the juice boxes that occupied a portion of the stage area she and her twin brother chose to occupy.
B (my darling son) was full of hugs for every kid that shared the stage with him.

Good clean fun, I tell you, but at the $12 a head I'm not sure we'll visit again soon unless the twins express a burning desire. $12 for toddlers seems a bit much. (secretly I'm just jealous I didn't come up with the idea that would have allowed me to charge $12 and in the process allow me to fufill my dream of being a stay at home mom ...scratch that ...work part time).

On another note, Sunday evening while I did my typical "If-I-stay-up-late-and-pretend-like-its-still-Saturday-night-I-won't-have-to-face-reality-that-it really-is-Sunday-and-I-do-have-to-work-tomorrow" routine I happened upon The Riches FX's new series .

I hereby proclaim it well worth the tiredness I feel as I post at this moment.

Just the right mix of great talent and over the top antics to keep me interested (a la Nip Tuck). I hope it doesn't disappoint... but so far I'm in.

I've Finally Done It

Wow, I've finally done it.

I've gone and started a blog.

For some time now I secretly stalked the blogs of others (particularly entertained by some of the mommybloggers) , but haven't quite been brave enough to start my own.

My thoughts ranged from "If I blog would I really have anything entertaining to post to "If I post my true feelings will I sound like a nutjob? "

In the end it doesn't really matter because dammit I must blog !

Now that I've recognized that the easiest part is done.

So moving right along... let me establish a few things:

This blog is solely for my entertainment/venting (because there will certainly be plenty) purposes. However if someone else gets something from it then thats just marvy !

I hope,folks, that this is the start of something big.

Or at a minimum , I'm hopeful that I might be able to blog my way to some form of clarity in the chaos that is my life (wife, mother to multiples, 2 stepdaughters, a lovable crazy mutt, full time career diva and all of the other extracurricular stuff I overload myself with)

That being said, I'm off in to the weekend. I hope to have something wonderfully fab or fanstastically funny to tell you about my weekend when I return on Monday.

Do enjoy yours !

BTW, I am headed off with the wee ones and the hubby on Saturday to "Baby Loves Disco" so if nothing else you'll be able to look forward to my stories of turning my toddlers in to clubkids!