Drag Queens, broken phones and barf oh my

I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I should start when the night was still good- at a time when I was at dinner with friends enjoying a nice glass of wine preparing to head to a club to meet up with even more friends(one of whom was in town just for the weekend and I was eager to hang with her).

At some point the bride to be, oh wait did I mention this was a bachelorette party ? It was and I suppose that gives you some clue as to how the night ended because those things never seem to end without somebody waking up wondering what the fuck they did the night before and where their pants are.

Anyway, where was I... yes. The bride-to-be imbibed so many tehkillya shots she barfed up things I'd never seen come out of a human.

But let me back up, there was the moment when I broke my phone. That was awesome. I didn't do anything spectacularly klutzy, I merely dropped it on the ground and it was dead. The screen went white and in an instant I lost all my pictures, all my numbers, er'thing. I was not happy. In fact, I'm still not happy. I've since found an activated an old phone but I'm pretty sure it was from the first run of cell phones and it's a dinosaur. It's gets me fired up thinking about it now. Because that little mishap was responsible for me missing the friend who'd come in to town. I kept missing her texts and me calling from a friend's phone... well that was just disatrous. Suckass doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about missing her.

The night wasn't completely without fun though. I hadn't been to a drag show in some time and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy them. And this one? Was like none other because one of the drag queens mimicked giving birth on stage - like with a real doll coming out of her nether regions - while lip syncing to a song called Baby Mama. And no, I'm not making this up.

How did all this madness end? My feet in severe pain because my super cute Charlotte Russe wedges are the kind of shoes that were designed to be cute and nothing else and holding back the bride's hair while she barfed at our feet.

I know.

You wish you were there don't you?

The one where I pull off the surprise of the year and pat myself on the back until it makes you sick

A while back, I posted that I needed to figure out whatever the hell I'm going to do as far as a fitness regime because later this year I will be doing something where I have to wear a swimsuit.

At that point, I didn't reveal why I'd need to wear a swimsuit so much but y'all are sharp. I'm sure you figured out that I'd be going on some kind of vacay. And if you didn't duh well that's what's up.

In just 1.5 months I will be taking my VERY FIRST CRUISE. I'm one big ball of excitement because OMGSQUEEE I'm going to the Bahamas, betches!

But here's why I couldn't say anything about this before. I, master of all that is awesome, planned this cruise months in advance and surprised my husband with it on his birthday last week.

I know, I know you want to marry me don't you ?

Hell, I'd want to marry me too if I weren't already... um nevermind.

So I'd been planning this cruise since about the beginning of the year and timed it so that we'd be chillin in the Bahamas, sipping cocktails on our 10th anniversary -all without the hubby knowing because I'm brilliant like that.

But I hadn't a clue as to how to present it to him.

I knew I wouldn't actually have the cruise documents in hand in time for his birthday so I came up with the idea to print out a copy of our confirmed reservation from the cruise site. To that I attached a picture of a cruise ship sailing amidst palm trees and wrote "Since I couldn't get you your own personal boat, this will have to do" (did I mention that hubby's trying to convince me we need a boat and that I'm kinda opposed. I didn't ? Well there isn't time for that now)

I flipped that document face side down and put it in the bottom of a gift bag so it appeared as if it were part of the bag itself. On top of that I placed individually wrapped sunscreen and a pair of sunglasses. I presented the gift during our dinner out and it worked just as I thought it would.

He liked the sunglasses,but the sunscreen kinda produced a WTFoopsimeanImgrateful look. I said nothing. For a few seconds I pretended that was it. Then I told him there might be something else in the bag. He felt around, finally pulled out the paper, looked at it and gave me the same WTFoopsImean... look. It turns out he thought I gave him a picture of a boat just to be mean (I may have the occasional mean streak but I'm not a complete beast - especially on birthdays).

"READ IT!" I exclaimed.

And then I saw his eyes light up and his confused look turn to a big goofy grin. "No way, No way, No way" he kept saying.

And I knew I'd pulled off the ultimate surprise.

Did I mention that I'm awesome ?

But how the hell I'll top this next year, which just happens to be his 40th birthday I don't know.