This was bound to happen...

It was but a matter of time before I dove head first off the deep end. I knew it, you knew it - lets not even pretend we didn't.

I tried to resist but then I just snapped and now sane to me is getting up three days a week at 4:40 a.m. and going to fitness boot camp.
From 5:30a.m. to 6:30a.m. on these days I drag my jiggly (but soon to be quarter-bouncable) ass out of bed, throw on my yoga pants - which have become one of my new favorite items in my wardrobe - and go work out. Hard. Inorite? In a world of peep toe heels and slouchy boots I'm getting all giddy about my yoga pants and Asics tenees *sigh*. Then after an hour of being pushed to my max and sweating like a whore in church I head to work. (Truthfully, while I feel great once I'm done that is the only part of this adventure in which I actually feel great)

As if that wasn't enough, I thought it would be completely mentally sound to volunteer to chair the annual Dad's spaghetti dinner for 500 little elementary school children and their parents. Yeehaw! (And yes I know I'm not a Dad. Thanks smartasses) This is of course in addition to working and mom-ing and trying to have some semblance of me time.

I'm not sure what's come over me. I'm considering going to a doctor because this has got to be a sickness of some sort.

I mean I couldn't actually be getting it together and becoming like an overacheiver.

Bwahaahaha!!

I know I couldn't keep a straight face when saying that and I'm damn sure you laughed when reading it.

Me overacheiving? This is clearly just a momentary lapse. Surely,I'll be back to my wine guzzling,couch-loving,fried-food eating,trash-tv watching self in no time

Another cruise ship claims a victim (no,not that kind)

Fanflabbertyjabbintastic, I say. Fanflabbertyjabbintastic !

From the instant my freshly polished toes stepped on the ground in Miami I knew I'd have a great time. The flight was longer than War and Peace and I don't fly well now that I'm of an advanced age but I was too excited to let that get me down. Hell, I'd just left 50 something degree weather for 80 something weather. That alone would have made my week. But it got better. Much better.

Simply entering the ship was wild. The NCL (Norwegian Cruise Lines) folks were dancing and carrying on as they welcomed us onboard. Cheesy yes, but we were headed to the Bahamas. I kinda wanted to do a bit of a jig myself.

Once on the boat we were told we could go grab lunch or drinks and hang out on deck (or any of the public areas) while our staterooms were being prepared. I'm sure you can guess what we did.



The deck quickly turned into one big old party (pic taken before said party because hey how could I enjoy the party if I was busy snapping pictures, gah!)

Bands were playing, people were sunbathing, dancing, swimming, getting nekkid. Wait, what? Anyway, you get the gist, the first day was one big old partay. It was also where I obtained the coveted fun meter:


I obtained this from some drunk self-proclaimed barflys that were already 3 sheets to the wind when we arrived.

Watching the ship set sail was surreal. I can't tell you how long I've actually wanted to take a cruise and at that moment when it was finally happening I shed a tear knocked back several shots to celebrate. (Ok none of that sentence was true but I did get all giddy like a kid the morning of Christmas.)

The day turned in to a long night where we met a younger couple we completely fell in love with and had an impromptu party on the deck after hours. The piece de resistance of said party was 85 year old Elaine who I was convinced was at any time going to pull the whole Scooby Doo ending thing and pull off her mask to reveal a 21 year old woman. That broad danced her ass off asking me many a time "C'mon girl, how low can you go?" as she was getting down low herself. When we finally,at 2:30 a.m. decided we'd partied enough, she said "Wait don't go, lets party some more , lets tell some jokes or stories or something". Man I loved her.

The next day we docked in Grand Bahama Island where we found everyone to be so laid back we almost called my mom and asked her to ship the kids to us because we'd decided to sell it all and take up residence on the island. We fantasized about chillin and proudly saying "I ain't got no job" as we watched our half nekkid babies run around and play in the sun. Aah..

Wait where was I...Oh yes: Grand Bahama Island. There we chilled with two multi talented dolpins who showed us how to moonwalk, spit water at us, jumped,frolicked and requested belly rubs. I was half tempted to pack one of those suckers in my suitcase they were so cute.

The remaining time was filled with comedy shows, dancing, parties, drinks, R rated game shows (in which my husband had to dirty dance with another dude on our team and dammit why didn't I have my video camera ready), sunning, shopping and exploring in Nassau, casino'ing,hot tubbing eating, eating and more eating.

I'm pretty sure I ate twice my weight in food. But good lord it was "free" (included in cruise price) and always around. And I...I have no self discipline.

So there you have it. Everyone we encountered was so nice I wanted to put them all in my pocket and bring them home with me - cruise staff and passengers alike.

My one complaint is not really even a complaint about the ship so much as it is a complaint about our complete and total disregard for the money we were spending on extras (read alcohol and anything other than water). Our room key doubled as our payment for those extras and even though we were given receipts each time we signed for something we paid little attention. Aannd eleventy bajillion dollars later...I'm happy, a little chubbier and excitedly planning another cruise for 2012.

And y'all this ship is Epic. (um that will be funnier to you when you click the link.)

I declare myself officially obsessed.

I'm on a Boat (well... almost)

For those of you that don't get that reference see (and note that I uploaded the "clean" version because I'm thoughtful like that):



In just a few days, I will get to take full advantage of that awesome suprise I bestowed upon my husband a few months back.

I am positively, absolutely, ridiculously 100% excited to the point where it's been hard to focus on much else.

My life, of late has been work and second grade math and I don't know which is worse. There's this whole strategy of ten thing that the twins are learning that is giving me nightmares. Oh and my mouth, or teeth rather are being assholes. Which translated means that at the ripe old age of 37 I've been told "looking in to braces would be a good idea". But no I don't want to talk about it.

Because in a matter of days I'll be on a boat, kissing dolphins , 10th anniversary'ing with the Mr. and knocking back several cocktails.

And at this point not a whole hell of a lot else matters.

*and while you wait for me to get back and regale you with my tales of awesome head on over to my review blog to check my latest giveaway(6 winners y'all). Mini chickenburgers mmm...

Public Bathroom PSA. You're welcome

I'm a little frustrated. It seems that every time I walk in to the bathroom at-the-place-that-shall-not-be-named-but-I'm-there-Monday-through-Friday, I encounter behavior that leaves something to be desired.

Since I can't put out a memo, or post rules in the bathroom itself I feel compelled to write this down somewhere in hopes that those filthy buggers might see fit to change their ways.

So in no particular order:

Don't moan. I mean really I get that sometimes business is a little tough to do. But hearing someone one moan (or groan) creeps me out. I feel like shouting "Dude, it's called fiber!"

If you funk up the bathroom and air freshener is anywhere in the vicinity : USE IT. Maybe you can run away from your smell but the next person that walks in to said bathroom I'm sure would much rather be greeted by the scent of garden rain rather than assaulted by the odor of ass

Remove your pubes from the toilet seat. There is nothing worse than going into a stall and finding that little surprise.

FLUSH THE TERLIT - need I say more. I don't want to know that you need to drink more water or had corn for dinner last night (I know I even grossed myself out on that one)

and last but certainly not least

Wash your damn hands. If I even catch you leaving the bathroom without washing your hands I will stop you, ask you for your phone number and call your mother because clearly you lack home training (and yeah I went there)

Y'all got anything to add ?

Someone is laughing their a** off right now

First, please sit down. Oh and you better put your drink down too because what I have to tell you will surely send you in to a fit of laughter and we wouldn't want that Diet Coke/wine/beer coming out of your nose. Trust me it doesn't feel all that good.

Now then, just moments ago I found that someone (I have no clue who) nominated this blog for Best Parenting Blog on the 2010 Best of Western Washington deali-o. (I'm not even linking to it because I honestly think this really is someone's idea of a joke)


If you're here from there, welcome and feel free to stay awhile (note that I'm attempting to soften my use of expletives just for you) but I say that with this caveat:

This isn't really a parenting blog.

Yes, I am a parent and sometimes I write about my children but this is not that blog. If you're looking for cute and fuzzy stories about what my children did yesterday you won't find (much of) that here. This is more of a crazed rambling humor blog with a side of parenting.

For those of you who already knew that - let's just let this sink in and laugh our a**es off. Together.

P.S. Because I'm not a completely ungrateful hag: To that person who nominated me I say "thanks I think". I "blush" in your general direction.

Drag Queens, broken phones and barf oh my

I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I should start when the night was still good- at a time when I was at dinner with friends enjoying a nice glass of wine preparing to head to a club to meet up with even more friends(one of whom was in town just for the weekend and I was eager to hang with her).

At some point the bride to be, oh wait did I mention this was a bachelorette party ? It was and I suppose that gives you some clue as to how the night ended because those things never seem to end without somebody waking up wondering what the fuck they did the night before and where their pants are.

Anyway, where was I... yes. The bride-to-be imbibed so many tehkillya shots she barfed up things I'd never seen come out of a human.

But let me back up, there was the moment when I broke my phone. That was awesome. I didn't do anything spectacularly klutzy, I merely dropped it on the ground and it was dead. The screen went white and in an instant I lost all my pictures, all my numbers, er'thing. I was not happy. In fact, I'm still not happy. I've since found an activated an old phone but I'm pretty sure it was from the first run of cell phones and it's a dinosaur. It's gets me fired up thinking about it now. Because that little mishap was responsible for me missing the friend who'd come in to town. I kept missing her texts and me calling from a friend's phone... well that was just disatrous. Suckass doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about missing her.

The night wasn't completely without fun though. I hadn't been to a drag show in some time and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy them. And this one? Was like none other because one of the drag queens mimicked giving birth on stage - like with a real doll coming out of her nether regions - while lip syncing to a song called Baby Mama. And no, I'm not making this up.

How did all this madness end? My feet in severe pain because my super cute Charlotte Russe wedges are the kind of shoes that were designed to be cute and nothing else and holding back the bride's hair while she barfed at our feet.

I know.

You wish you were there don't you?

The one where I pull off the surprise of the year and pat myself on the back until it makes you sick

A while back, I posted that I needed to figure out whatever the hell I'm going to do as far as a fitness regime because later this year I will be doing something where I have to wear a swimsuit.

At that point, I didn't reveal why I'd need to wear a swimsuit so much but y'all are sharp. I'm sure you figured out that I'd be going on some kind of vacay. And if you didn't duh well that's what's up.

In just 1.5 months I will be taking my VERY FIRST CRUISE. I'm one big ball of excitement because OMGSQUEEE I'm going to the Bahamas, betches!

But here's why I couldn't say anything about this before. I, master of all that is awesome, planned this cruise months in advance and surprised my husband with it on his birthday last week.

I know, I know you want to marry me don't you ?

Hell, I'd want to marry me too if I weren't already... um nevermind.

So I'd been planning this cruise since about the beginning of the year and timed it so that we'd be chillin in the Bahamas, sipping cocktails on our 10th anniversary -all without the hubby knowing because I'm brilliant like that.

But I hadn't a clue as to how to present it to him.

I knew I wouldn't actually have the cruise documents in hand in time for his birthday so I came up with the idea to print out a copy of our confirmed reservation from the cruise site. To that I attached a picture of a cruise ship sailing amidst palm trees and wrote "Since I couldn't get you your own personal boat, this will have to do" (did I mention that hubby's trying to convince me we need a boat and that I'm kinda opposed. I didn't ? Well there isn't time for that now)

I flipped that document face side down and put it in the bottom of a gift bag so it appeared as if it were part of the bag itself. On top of that I placed individually wrapped sunscreen and a pair of sunglasses. I presented the gift during our dinner out and it worked just as I thought it would.

He liked the sunglasses,but the sunscreen kinda produced a WTFoopsimeanImgrateful look. I said nothing. For a few seconds I pretended that was it. Then I told him there might be something else in the bag. He felt around, finally pulled out the paper, looked at it and gave me the same WTFoopsImean... look. It turns out he thought I gave him a picture of a boat just to be mean (I may have the occasional mean streak but I'm not a complete beast - especially on birthdays).

"READ IT!" I exclaimed.

And then I saw his eyes light up and his confused look turn to a big goofy grin. "No way, No way, No way" he kept saying.

And I knew I'd pulled off the ultimate surprise.

Did I mention that I'm awesome ?

But how the hell I'll top this next year, which just happens to be his 40th birthday I don't know.