Monday, January 7, 2008

You Had to be There

I arranged to have two women come to the house for the Sip Spa and Celebrate birthday festivities; one to do chair massages and the other to help us do manicures and pedicures.

I hadn’t met either of them in person prior to the night of the party as we'd only communicated by email and phone so I was a little nervous about what to expect.

One turned out to be a younger,hipper kind of gal and the other an older,more frumpy kind of gal but both were very nice and very professional considering the antics going on that night.

Let’s just say the conversation started out racy and continued at warp speed.

When we sat down to do pedicures my friend Bree launched in to a story about how she was recently gifted a penis pump and told to take it on her vacation with her.
As we all joked about the laugh the airport employees must have had while examining her luggage she said her friend that had bestowed the gift on her told her just to try it. It wasn’t really for enlarging so much as it was to enhance the overall experience.

Never one to back down from an adventure, Bree, showed it to her husband later that day.Her well endowed husband.

Who promptly took offense and said “A penis pump what the fuck do I need that for?”

So Bree began to explain to her husband and also demonstrated for all the party guests.

At that moment I heard a thud. Looking in the direction of the noise I realized that the massage lady was on the floor.

“I’m ok” she said weakly and hurriedly packed her stuff.

"Are you sure you’re ok ?" I asked envisioning the summons I might get when she took me to court for causing her bodily injury.

“Yes” she said hurriedly mumbling about being a klutz.

"Can I help you with some of your things?" I offered.

“Uh no” she said practically breaking in to a run. She couldn’t get out of my house fast enough

I’m still not entirely convinced she didn’t faint in shock.

Once we were sure she’d gone we roared with laughter. If you’d only seen the look on her face.

When I relayed the story to hubby later that night he didn’t find it quite as funny. Instead, he was fixated on the fact that a penis pump could enhance ones sexual experience.

So he suggested we get one- never one to want to have a dull bedroom life I said “sure, why not"

So off we went the next day in search of a "pump". I’ll spare you the details but just know those suckers (pun intended) create quite the vacuum seal and well… hubby got stuck.

Frantically we pulled at it to no avail.

Bwahahha…ok, I can’t keep it up any longer.

I may have created an alternate ending for my own amusement.
That and well I just created too much build-up around a story that was only funny in a “you-had-to-be-there" kind of way.

In reality the story ended just before the “pump search”.

But if hubby and I ever do decide to get a “pump” and it ever does get stuck believe me you’ll be the first to know.

Well after I stop laughing and tell his best friend, his boss, his co-workers, his pool buddies, the neighbors…


Whiskeymarie said...

I am not at all good with anything "mechanical". I'd probably take an eye out with something like that.

And I could guarantee that the Mr. would agree to wear pasties and a thong to xmas before he would agree to the "pump".

Lollie said...

...oh, what the...? what am I doing on the floor? my head hurts. what happened...?

Life As I Know It said...

Damn, you sure know how to throw a party!

Thanks for the chuckle!!

Alex Elliot said...

I was impressed that you had not one but two penis pump stories! Sounds like one great party!

CDP said...

You didn't need to search...I get quantities of emails each day offering great deals on products designed to enlarge and/or enhance performance. That was hysterical.

Stacie said...


This is on case that I can say "glad I wasn't there" lol.

~JJ! said...

I always thought a penis pump was something Austin Powers only used...I didn't even know they existed...Where have I been?

Virtualsprite said...

Oh, I'm so jealous! I wish I had been at that party. That was too funny. Poor therapist... I bet she had no idea what she was in for!

jennifer said...

I love that you made your ending!

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

OMG, Can I come to your next party? Pretty please??

Ann(ie) said...

ha! I'm with Shauna!! Might I come to the next partay????? say yes.

Maureen said...

Oh my.... you had me laughing out loud with quite the mental images in my head... I AM glad your hubby is okay, though ;)

Butrfly Garden said...

One way to know you're old and boring: You get done reading a story like this and your first thought is, "Well did she call that lady to make sure she got home okay?!"

That's me. Old and boring. I would be the lady across the street from your party just waiting for you to do something wrong so I could phone the police.

(haha, not really, I wouldn't call the cops on you!)

It's funny because The Man would def. be pissed if I showed up here with a Penis Pump for him, but (I think he jokes, but I'm not really sure) makes comments about getting the "herbal supplements."