Monday, March 30, 2009

Look Mom, Barbie sprained her Crotch

I never know what new and "creative" words I'll hear out of the mouths of my 5 year olds. Now that they're in "real" school and exposed to older kids I'm hearing it all. This weekend, that word was: crotch.

And while crotch is not a bad word and in fact is much better then some other words they could be saying, I have to tell them that it's not really appropriate to just throw the word around because mommy doesn't need parents, teachers and others who don't understand kids can pick up things anywhere judging her parenting .

Like on Friday afternoon when my son was playing on the little neighbor kid's scooter and fell. When I called to him to make sure he was ok.
He said simply:

"Yeah mom, but I think I broke my crotch".

Biting my lip, I made sure he was really ok and then had to launch into an explanation of how he probably shouldn't say crotch so loud and added that frankly I don't really think crotches break. But dammit if I didn't want to laugh. Hell, my son was laughing. Why couldn't I laugh ? But we averted the crotch crisis.

That time.

But then there was Saturday. As we prepared to head out, my daughter busily played with her Barbies at the sink next to me while I finished putting on my make-up.

"Mom," she said "This is my new Barbie and this is her sister" she said showing me the two Barbies that had been keeping her busy.

"Cool," I said

J went on to tell me about how Barbie now needed to get to work and she was running late. I learned that Barbie worked at a very nice place where all they did was have lunch and then take naps.

I asked my daughter if I could fill out an application.

"What's an application?" J asked

"Well, it's a paper that you fill out with information about yourself so people will hopefully hire you" I answered

"Oh" she said "Well she can't take applications now because she sprained her crotch"

"She did?" I say in utter surprise

"Yeah and she can't walk"

"Oh?" I questioned curiously

"Yeah" J continued "you just keep your legs closed for about 11 weeks and then it's fixed" she says authoritatively

It was then that I took a real look at the cheerleader Barbie that J had been playing with. With her oddly flexible ,posable body it was entirely possible that she could look, to my 5 year old, like she had a sprained crotch.

So I decided not to correct my daughter.

Besides I was highly amused

Crotch Crisis - 1
Mom - 0

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lady feels like a ...dude

Ok, so that was my lame attempt at a play on words with the Aerosmith song "Dude looks like a Lady" . Whaddya want, I really couldn't think of another way to express the fact that I, WM, wife and mother, am a total dude.

Ok sure I like shopping, make-up and some other very un-dude like things but there is this part of me that screams: I am man hear me roar!

Why if you'd have been in my car yesterday after work you'd have heard me listening to my favorite afternoon radio show:The Men's Room .

I really dig football and if the 'Hawks are doing well I'm swilling' beer and cheering louder than any man.

I like Monster Trucks. There I said it.Gasp if you must but something about those huge wheels crushing steel and destroying everything in their wake makes me pound my chest in excitement

I cuss like a sailor and like sex jokes. The dirtier the better (although this probably doesn't make me so much of a dude as it does just a very inappropriate female,ahem)

But, the number one reason I am a total dude:

I take reading material into the latrine.

...and yes, I know I'm awesome. Thanks.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

No..this isn't about TomGirl's 16th birthday this past Friday in which her Dad and I took her and some friends to an all ages club.

That, went suprisingly well. We suprised TomGirl with a limo as her present and actually had a good time ( I know gasp, right ?).

For as much as I bitch about teens, I have to admit I lucked in to having two great stepdaughters. And the club had it so together there wasn't time for any misbehavior by any of the other teens. It was actually pretty wild to go clubbing with TomGirl. I was..well ...proud. As silly as it sounds. At her age and well into my twenties I very much enjoyed going out dancing and it was nice to be able to share that with my kid.

But this isn't about that.

This is about my party.

Well my blogiversary anyway.

Because I Must Blog is two today.

And I'm giving myself a gift. The gift of a small break from posting. Maybe a week, maybe two...we'll see. That, said go forth and talk amongst yourselves.

I'll see you when I get back. Oh and if you really begin to miss me (because I just KNOW that's going to happen*snort*) leave tons of comments. Comments make my heart swell.



Monday, March 9, 2009

When good Weekends go Bad

I will never, ever again assume my weekend is going to be lo-key.

I have now resigned myself to the fact that for as neat and tidy as I'd like my life to be, it just ain't. In fact, sometimes it's really, really messy:

And here it is, in all it's messy glory and in bullet points for your viewing pleasure: my jacked up weekend (keep in mind the husband is ill. Like fever, hacking,snot filled,sore-throat ill. He is not featured in any of the incidences because he was too sick to be of any good to anyone).

  • Friday after work you prepare to take kids to the 1 hours childrens concert you'd promised weeks ago and then get happy because you know after this it will be bed for them and full on relaxation for you

  • But then the phone rings. It is your bff. She seems to be angry. She asks you why you haven't been answering your phone. You tell her you left your cell phone in another coat and apologize. She proceeds to tell you her new man is about to break up with her. You sensed this might happen but talk with her as best as you can while children ask you several hundred times when the concert starts. There are a number of "I'll call you backs" from both of you. You because of your children, her because she needs to check in with the boyfriend who was supposed to take her out to dinner to "talk". In the end he doesn't do that instead he just breaks up with her by phone.

  • Deciding bff really needs more attention, you invite her over to have a glass of wine and talk. But first you need to take the kids to the concert. So you rush out telling her to call you when she gets close.

  • You tell kids you are sorry that they won't be able to see the full concert but also remind them you are going to a play on Sunday. You spend about 20 minutes "concerting" and then must leave.

  • BFF is already at your house when you get there and decides she wants to go out on the town. You are not really in the mood but you agree.

  • Whilst enjoying a little vino, you change your clothes, slap on some warpaint and head out to a club. BFF, who drank a little before she came to see you, is now three sheets to the wind and you are getting there too. When you arrive at the hotel you think the club is on the penthouse level so you go there. You realize you are on the wrong floor but the BFF is way ahead of you heading into some random strangers room because their door is open and she has to pee and, well, they let her. You follow her feeling ridiculous but wanting to look out for her. Once she is finished you try your hardest to get out of the room and not look like a crazy person. You don't succeed. But what you do succeed at is getting some weird hangers on from the Rotary convention that's at the hotel wanting to "party" with you. You hold up your hand to display your wedding ring and move on. You then head down to the club

  • You get convinced it would be fun to do a shot of tequila by a different group of hard partying Rotary conference members that are staying at the hotel. (you will regret this the next day)

  • You're relaxed, and casually dancing when some monstrous woman says angrily to your BFF that she bumped in to her. You know the bff did not and you say so, politely. Monstrous woman whispers something to her equally monstrous female friend who then asks "Did you just call my friend a bitch?". You know those words never left your lips so you tell her so. Monstrous woman and monstrous friend are now trying to get in your face. You see them look at one another and snicker. You realize they are intentionally picking a fight because they are immature whores. You don't get in their faces, but you don't back down either because you are stupid, hammered not in the right frame of mind. Luckily BFF pulls you away by the arm and you avoid crisis.

  • You are in complete disbelief at the ridiculousness of those females trying to start a fight. You thought you went to a club with mature adults. You were wrong.

  • The night ends, though, without any arrests and the bff's son comes to pick your hammered asses up

  • You eat Taco hell and then pass out. You don't really know what time it is.

  • The next morning you call to check on BFF. She is in tears again so although you are incredibly hungover you head to her house to lend support

  • On the way there while going over a bumpy road, your son will tell you it's making his penis go up and down, your daughter will tell you it's making her "vagina shiver". You will nearly run off the road when you hear this

  • You spend as much time as you can with the BFF and then head home before you drop out of shear tiredness

  • The following day,Sunday, you want to repent, but your still hungover arse can't make it to church. You are one sorry individual. You have accepted it.

  • You do manage to take kids to the play you'd promised them and enjoy yourself

  • On the way home you realize your children are getting whatever nastiness their Dad was struck with and you spend the rest of Sunday caring for 3 sick children (Hubby being the 3rd child). None of these people go to sleep at any reasonable hour because when they try they hack and cough. Which means you don't get to sleep at any reasonable hour

  • You finally get to bed in between 12 and 1 a.m. knowing you need to wake up at 5:40 a.m. for work the next day

  • The End

    ...and no I have no creatively funny way to end this. I'm exhausted just reliving it for you. You can't tell me you're not exhausted from having read it.
  • Friday, March 6, 2009

    Shred it and Forget it

    Early last year, in my constant quest to shed the lbs that have nagged me over the last few years I found a partner with similar goals and arranged to meet her at a local gym for workouts a few evenings a week.

    I was proud of me, thinking I'd made that first important step to reaching my goals. Until that first night when she called and cancelled.

    "No problem," I'd told her trying to hide my disappointment "we'll just meet up tomorrow"

    But then tomorrow came and it was me that cancelled. After really thinking about the committment I'd made, I realized I didn't want to go to a gym 3-4 times a week.
    It wasn't that I didn't want to work on me. I was still determined to rediscover the me of old, the healthier me.

    It was about my children. Being away from them for 8 hours each day while at work, I miss them terribly. It didn't make sense to leave for another 2 hours. No matter what the reason.

    So there I was, feeling bad about having dogged out a woman desperately trying to help herself, but knowing I made the right decision for me. And, I still hadn't figured out how to incorporate working out into my life.

    That was until I found Ms. Jillian Michaels.

    I stumbled upon her 30 day shred while shuffling through Exercise TV and instanly fell in heavy like.

    Sure it was painful, and sure midway in I cussed out everything from twinkies to fitness gurus but sweating like a pig at the end of 20 minutes I was done.

    And truth be told I felt really,really good. And better still it had only been 20 minutes and I'd never left my home or my kids. In fact , sometimes they'd work out right beside me.

    But then right around the holiday season, Jillian and I had a parting of ways.

    It wasn't her . It was me.

    And I've missed her desperately. As have my jiggly belly and arse.

    So we made our way back in to her amazingly chiseled arms.

    And here we are, banding together with other "shredheads" to shred it and forget it. I can't tell you how happy I am to have found other gluttons for punishment Jillian devotees.

    Starting Monday I'm on the journey to become a leaner, meaner, once again hawt-ass me (read: I want to lose enough lbs to fit back in to my size 6 clothes. Truthfully it's not about a number on a scale, but where I look and feel most comfortable)

    Holy hell what have i gotten myself into...

    (Ahem)I mean wish me luck

    Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    Word verification: Tool of the devil or saving grace?

    C'mon you know what I'm talking about. You go to comment on your favorite blogger's post about,say, sex and your word verification is "moistl" (and yes that did just happen to me,thankyouverymuch).

    Ok,so I get that moistl is not a word. But moist sure in the hell is and well are you getting the connection here ?

    Maybe you chuckle a little and think: what a co-inky dink. But then, when you look at the next word verification for said post it's cumlum.
    Seriously what is that about? Is this Bloggers attempt at being funny or clever or just straight out creepy.

    And no,I don't want 46 catrillion comments about how I can become a millionaire overnight by following whatever the latest scam is. So yes, I see the value.

    But are these words truly randomly generated or is there some creepy dude (or dudette, hell we don't discriminate here) laughing evily as s/he sends out the word verification of "fatard" to you when you simply want to post a comment thanking your commenters on a post in which you just poured out your heart and soul about being a tad overweight.

    Maybe there's a team of freaks who sit around a table and say, "How can we get our rocks off today?" and then someone shouts out "You know that one really popular post where the blogger lost her pet ? Let's make the word verification stuff like "croakd" and "coffen" then bust out into simultaneous laughter.

    I don't know...but I kinda have to wonder.

    Particularly when I go to comment on a post about diet. My comments are all about how protein tends to make me feel fuller and then my word verification is sperm (and yes that is true)

    Uhh are you kidding me ?

    and a totally unrelated P.S. - Go forth to,BIMRI (aka my review blog) if you're interested in a giveaway for a Fiber One Spa Break Gift Basket . 3 winners, peeps...

    Monday, March 2, 2009

    What a week

    So much has been going on. Really I swear. But it's just not riveting stuff. At.all.
    I get exhausted just trying to relay it to you. So there it sits in draft, until I can decide if it's really postworthy.

    Do you really want to hear about how it took everything in my power not to kick a 10 year old boy's teeth down his throat for teasing my 5 year old daughter on the bus (in addition to teasing her about being a kindergartener her called her an asshole).

    Or about how my BFF's new man isn't all he initially seemed to be. Initially ,he seemed wonderful. Now something is a little off. I can't quite put my finger on it and while I still like him, I can't help but wonder if this thing is going to last. And that sucks that I can't like him as much as my BFF wants me to.

    Then there's the fact that I fell off the wagon. What can I say? I was stressed and those bake-in-the pan peanut butter chocolate chunk bars that I found at the Grocery Outlet for only $0.89 got me more than a little giddy.

    I've also been considering telling you about how TomGirl turns 16 next week and how I decided it would be fun to take her to an all ages nightclub. And how I'm now regretting that promise. A friday night with a bunch of 16 year olds who will surely have snuck some shots before entering the club is sure to send me right to straightjacketed, knees pulled to chest,rocking in a corner babbling and drooling kind of insanity.

    And then I could also tell you how I'm totally and completely burnt out at work (but trying to just be happy about the fact that I have a job)

    So yeah, that's what I haven't been posting about.

    But enough about me. What about you ? Anybody do anything I just gotta know about? Do tell...especially if it's scandalous.